why we stay
Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:32 amTo many onlookers it seems simple: if a woman is being abused, she should just get up and go, or throw her abuser out. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows it is a lot more difficult than that. There are all sorts of emotional, physical, financial, social and spiritual hurdles to overcome. It is quite common for someone being abused to leave and return to the abuser several times.
Often a woman will find it difficult to classify herself as abused or battered. While we deny there is a problem and pretend everything is okay, we can continue to believe it is. Many people tell themselves "it is not that bad", or "it is not him, it is the drink, drugs, etc". We all want to believe the best of our partner, and it can often take years of repeated victimisation or frequent visits to hospital before we can accept the reality of our situation.
Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow work this out. It is difficult letting go of the dream of a happy couple or family and accepting that abusers very rarely change. In our efforts to maintain hope, we will cling to memories of "good times" together, or concentrate on the honeymoon phase, hoping it will last.
Being subjected to abuse is a humiliating and demeaning experience and will most often leave us feeling very ashamed. Somehow being the victim of abuse seems to make us into less of a person. We may feel that we are letting our family down, our status quo, or even our abuser. Leaving may also feel as though we are giving up, admitting defeat, admitting the situation is beyond our ability to deal with. Quite a few victims of domestic abuse have been in an abusive relationship previously and may feel ashamed of having 'chosen the wrong person' twice or more even - or we may be convinced that the fault really does lie with us, that since it has happened before, it must be our fault.
Often a woman will find it difficult to classify herself as abused or battered. While we deny there is a problem and pretend everything is okay, we can continue to believe it is. Many people tell themselves "it is not that bad", or "it is not him, it is the drink, drugs, etc". We all want to believe the best of our partner, and it can often take years of repeated victimisation or frequent visits to hospital before we can accept the reality of our situation.
Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow work this out. It is difficult letting go of the dream of a happy couple or family and accepting that abusers very rarely change. In our efforts to maintain hope, we will cling to memories of "good times" together, or concentrate on the honeymoon phase, hoping it will last.
Being subjected to abuse is a humiliating and demeaning experience and will most often leave us feeling very ashamed. Somehow being the victim of abuse seems to make us into less of a person. We may feel that we are letting our family down, our status quo, or even our abuser. Leaving may also feel as though we are giving up, admitting defeat, admitting the situation is beyond our ability to deal with. Quite a few victims of domestic abuse have been in an abusive relationship previously and may feel ashamed of having 'chosen the wrong person' twice or more even - or we may be convinced that the fault really does lie with us, that since it has happened before, it must be our fault.