Christianity Oasis Forum

[dema]

I have been talking to victims of abuse for a long time. I have found that alienation is frequently a cause of more pain than the actual abuse. And that predators seek out people who are alienated.

A person has to have progressed from victim to survivor for the information I am going to share to be helpful. But survivors frequently have a lot of trouble making friends. What I am going to share is perhaps harsh. I don't know how to say it gently. Those of you who know me know that I am blunt. Well, this is very blunt. But it is also good advice if you are interested in knowing why it is soooooo hard to make friends.

God bless you. I wish you the best.

There is a lot of body language that people use. And conventionalities. Making eye contact for example. Most people don't try very hard to look at you. But most people do look up on occasion so that those who want to make eye contact can. I habitually make eye contact and smile. At a dance club there were these two couples putting on their shoes. And I tried for like five minutes to make eye contact and smile - I did say hello a couple of times - and they would NOT look at me - or say hello. I didn't know them - but it is a club and we all belonged.

It made me angry. Quite a bit angry actually.

People who are alienated tend to watch and then when the person does look at her, she looks away. This is rejection. "Oh, I'm shy."

Basically the answer to that is "Tough horse puckies. I don't give a flying rat's ass that you are shy, you just rejected me."

1. So, that is the number one thing I KNOW that alienated people do. They watch, and then look away when the person tries to say hello.

2. Body language. Alienated people tend to use a closed in, protective body language. You can research it on the web.

3. Alienated people don't tend to express what they want. And they will turn down invitations repeatedly.

It is similar to what fat people do. A fat woman will seldom have a piece of cake at a party. She will turn it down as a punishment to herself for being fat. A lady I know did that and I turned to her and whispered harshly, "HAVE a piece of cake. We KNOW that you eat."

She cried. But she ate the cake. We are still in touch. She is having her first baby soon.

Anyway, people who are alienated do a similar thing to the cake thing. They want attention, attention is there if they can just accept it - but they won't. They respond in disbelief to an invitation. Treat it like unwelcome charity. And have to be begged to accept it.

To the other person, you are just a person. And having to beg is strange. So they don't. They let you have your space. Because if they make excuses, it is because they don't want to accept the invitation and they don't have a good reason why. Maybe they think you are just tired from too many invitations. Or maybe they think you don't like them. Either way, they aren't very likely to invite you again.

Think on this. Really. Because people who are alienated have a different point of view. They don't see things this way. I was rescued from potential alienation by a perceptive friend. More on that later. More posts to come - but I suggest you maybe read one a day.

[dema]

Okay - alienated people tend to:

1. Watch people. And that is creepy. Most people can feel that they are being watched. And it gives them the icky creeps. Even if you are watching out a window. If it is children it is okay. Children feel safe being watched. Somewhere in the early teens it becomes creepy.
2. Look away and refuse to make eye contact. This is rejection to the other person.
3. Use a variety of alienating or unpredictable body language.

J had a lot of alienating behaviors. His daughter has some of them. J would laugh and joke with his arms crossed. The laughing and joking means, "I like you." The arms crossed means, "Keep your distance." So the combination is off putting. His daughter makes occasional eye contact and does not have appropriate body language or smiles for what she is saying.

4. Waits for repeat invitations to accept anything. Doesn't accept implied invitations.

This is a type of rejection. I was raised in the south. My family likes to feed people. I get upset when people won't eat my food. It was worse when I was younger. The proper exchange is to rave over how good it looks and how good it smells. And then the person says something like, "I hope it tastes that good." These minor little comments back are an invitation for someone who is already there to have some. Alienated people often don't understand implied invitations. If you are a house guest, then you should have some. Particularly if you have had a conversation about it.

5. Expects the other person to recruit them.

This is the killer expectation. Expecting a person to not only invite you, but to repeatedly invite you while you make all sorts of comments like, "Oh, I shouldn't." or "I don't want to intrude." Why the crap should someone reach out to you repeatedly? Who owes you that? Who owes any alienated person that? How does another person know you are alienated? I probably would. But frankly, I do like I did with that employee. If I knew you were alienated and I had invited you once, and I knew you were giving me that bull, I would say, "I'm not going to beg. I would like for you to join us, really. But I refuse to beg you. I hope you'll join us."

And then would I walk off.

Nobody on God's green earth wants to beg you to have a relationship while accepting rejection in the process. And that's what it is. Having to beg an alienated person to join them is rejection.

If a person asks and you accept, then you affirm them. When a person asks, and you waffle, then you annoy them. It is a minor rejection. People want to be affirmed - not waffled at.

I had a friend tell me that I might think I'm shy, but other people think I'm a snob when I act shy. I was molested for most of my 7th grade year. On the bus. In eighth grade I made a friend who, along with my mother saved me.

1. I wanted to slump - my mother nagged me anytime I did.
2. I wanted to look at the floor. My friend grabbed me by the elbow and forced me to look at people. And pay attention.

"Joe just said hi to you. He's hot and popular and you didn't say hi back. You snubbed him. You think you were shy. Or thinking. But you snubbed him. You can NOT do that. For the six minutes between classes you have to look people in the eyes and say hello. When you get into your nerd classes you can think and be shy. But in the hall you LOOK at people."

She was relentless. I had a party a few months later and the popular people crashed it. My mother caught them laughing about stealing my albums in the front yard. She told them to get in the back yard and join the party or she was calling the police. They did and had such a good time they returned the records. And told everybody about it at school. I'm a nerd. I was never popular. But I was always accepted by just about everybody. And it is to my friend's credit that I am.

Okay, I hope I'm getting through. There's more. If you have trouble with making friends, then I hope that you will read these and reread them. They are important. And probably extremely hard for you to accept.

[dema]

So, alienated people tend to have this great fantasy about how other people live. And they invent companions. And situations. And real people can't live up to them. This email is specifically about J.

J had a lot of alienating behaviors.

1. The body language thing.
2. Cute mannerisms that weren't so cute.
3. Refusing to ask questions.

I really hate this. It is more of a male thing than a female thing. But it is also an alienated thing. ANother man I knew wouldn't ask for the salt. He'd talk about how much better it would taste with the salt. Or more likely, "This food wouldn't be bland and tasteless if it had salt on it."

J says, "I don't know what that means." I have gradually refused to deal with his alienating behaviors, one by one. Lately I have told him that if he is asking the question - then ask the question. He doesn't understand why saying, "I don't know what that means." is unpleasant. He uses a sarcastic tone of voice, like, how dare they talk in a way that I don't understand. (Usually it isn't me that he doesn't understand.) A question implies that you expect an answer. It gives the other person power to give you a little rejection. A statement does not. It is a risk free way of making a request - but by being risk free it also is a lack of confidence. I don't know exactly - but I know it doesn't feel good. If you are asking me something, then have the respect for me to ask. Don't play games. That's it really, I find it indirect and I don't like it. And I know others feel that way as well. Particularly when it is done habitually.

4. Getting miffed when I didn't live up to his fantasies.

I realized what was going on - but most people won't. I turned to him and said, "Did your fantasy girl do this in this situation?" The first time he looked surprised and he said, "Yes, she always did." And I said, "Do you want fantasy girl or me?" Well, that settled it. He preferred the real me to the imaginary lady. And later on, when he had expectations, I said, "Fantasy girl again?"

Most people don't know enough to know that fantasy girl has entered the room. They just see that the person is miffed for no apparent reason. And that alienates them.

5. Tones of voice, abrupt responses.

This is very difficult. It really requires help.

6. Cuteness.

People who are alone too much frequently come up with various role plays and statements they like. And they try to make life become appropriate for them. It is weird. And not cute. Don't try to make life fit the fantasy. Many of these cute statements are actually pretty rude. They sound clever to the person - but they are alienating to the recipient.

A lot of this is a protective cover. You can't fire me I quit. I don't trust you until you prove yourself trustworthy. But life doesn't work that way. The other person has no obligation, or desire, to penetrate your protective cover. If you want a protective cover, then plan on being alone.

If you want to have people then:

1. Look them in the eye. Smile.
2. Study body language and use warm and inviting body language. You will have to develop it as it is almost certainly foreign to you. You can find articles on the internet.
3. Ask direct questions. Open ones are good. But the alienated person tends to make them so open that the other person doesn't get it. So, start direct.
4. Clarify implied invitations. Use words like "Now". In the case of food prepared by a roommate, asking if you can have a little of it now gives them the opportunity of saying, "This is for a party, we will probably bring back leftovers and we would love for you to join us in eating them then." Be open for implied invitiations. If you are talking about something smelling good and they are telling you when it will be ready, that is an implied invitation. But clarify it.
5. Respond affirmatively to direct invitations. Don't waffle. Say, "Yes" and smile like you mean it.
6. When you feel miffed, ask yourself if you are being fair. If you aren't being fair - then change the subject. If you are being fair, think about how you can express your feelings. Likely you should express them later.
7. Don't wait for invitations. You do the asking. And if they say, "No" then you'll live. And by the way, "Can we do it another time?" is not a no. Particularly if they say, "Can we do it next week instead?" If they say that - then come up with a date. Don't look down, shuffle, say, "That's okay" and slump away.
8. When you are invited, accept if you can. And if you can't, suggest an alternate date or an alternate activity. Unless you never want to see the person again.
9. Be very careful about who you refuse. If they don't signal you as being unsafe - then go. Accept invitations from the different people and boring people and odd people as long as you feel they are safe. Listen to your instincts. Don't do anything that seems unsafe. But if it is safe - even if it is daring - DO it. Accept the invitation. You will meet more people that way. And you will be more a part of life.
10. Pay attention. Actively. And for heaven's sake, don't watch people and then look away when they notice., That is just plain creepy.

Hugs. I do want you to be happy. I really, really do.