The Inner Child

[Dora]

Feeling a bit distant today. Lani spoke about this yesterday in Walls. Was glad I stayed up to go. The distance is what I've placed on myself because of building walls to keep people out. Like self inflicted pain. Weird. Even weirder to think I know this now but I'm not willing to remove the walls. If I let someone in my family may get to me. With the upcoming trip the walls are even higher and even stronger than before. Very lonely in here. But they can't come down. What if they did? And I got crushed by those who like to throw stones at me.

[deetu]

hi piney
God gave me this scripture when I was going through my walk in my church. It reminded me of how you feel facing your family.

Isaiah 41:9-13
"'I called you.' I said,'You are my servant' I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you.
Do not fear, I will help you."

So you don't need to worry about how your family will receive you. You don't have to try to get them to understand before you get there. They don't even have to admit they knew what happened because YOU know what happened and YOU'RE the one who is getting set free. Remember how we are always telling people to forgive to release our own burdens that they don't even know you are holding a grudge against them. Let God light shine through you so they can see because behind that wall, that light shines bright! I think that is why I suggested you give your Mom a rose bush too since your grandmother used to send you home with a rose... it may touch her in a way that accusations or a cross couldn't.

It is amazing what God is having you go through for you to be free.
You don't have to worry about your uncle in the woods because cubby will be with you. cubby is with you, loves you, despite what happened to you. Humm... look at that, a lie your father tried to tell you. If you can't bring yourself to break those word curses off you now, don't be surprised if you start breaking them off at one point during your visit. Keep that in the back of your mind that you can and have the authority to do it. Inner vows too.

Pine, I can't imagine what you are going through. It is easy for me to give suggestions but I have to tell you, God loves you so much and He is so proud of you for doing this.

Father, I ask for continued strength and insight for Pine
Help her to break down her walls so Your light can shine through to keep her safe and to touch others.
In Jesus's name

[Dora]

Thank you deetu. What wonderful words.

I'm not sure I understand the inner vows and breaking word curses. Maybe it's just different wording than I am use to.

I called my cousins today. Two of them. They both seemed very happy to hear from me. I want to keep in better contact with them.

[Lionhearted]

ahhhh pinella

What did he find wrong in me that he didn't find in my sisters.

this is sooo common you know ... we think something is wrong with us; i've got a new and different view on this; you gotta track with me for a bit ... ok

i believe that the enemy can see spiritually, right? satan is a spirit being ... evil, but still spirit, which means he can see in the spiritual realm. and he's been around for many many years, he can "see" things ... not the future; but his "cold read" abilities are probably pretty superior to anything we could imagine. i think that ppl who are born again have guardians ... a common term is guardian angel(s) and this, for lack of a better phrase, "marks" us ... sort of. satan knew, of the beauty that you would possess as you developed into a daughter of the King and moved into your heavenly inheritance. his assault on you was/is not because there is something "wrong" with you ... my dear, dear sis, it is because there is something RIGHT with you

make no mistake, satan hates all women ... but he comes after us, daughters of the King, with a special hatred.

i love you pinella, and i say again ... there was/is nothing wrong with you ... it is your RIGHTNESS ... God's glory IN you that satan comes after to assault.



Bible verses from yesterday: psalm 27:14; 37:34; 40:1

[deetu]

Thank you deetu. What wonderful words.

I'm not sure I understand the inner vows and breaking word curses. Maybe it's just different wording than I am use to.

Humm... now this is interesting because you and I discussed both of them in Spiritual Warfare.
http://www.christianityoasis.com/Member ... hp?t=19234

Glad about your cousins

[Dora]

Yes. I just don't have a full grasp on that. I reread the post and some things seem a bit clearer.

God has been working on some things on how the little girl feels about herself.
As if he's sticking his finger in some holes trying to heal them.
Spiritually painful to let go and accept.
Angry one moment in tears the next.
Determined to hold onto what she believes is the truth.
Seems a bit childish or silly.
She always was a stubborn little girl.
Holding onto the pain and checking the walls of the fort she's build for herself.

How does she feel about things spoken to her.
Coming out is not even possible.
Tearing the walls down would leave her without safety.
Inviting someone in to play would only be temporary before they'd say see ya.

Some people here said some really nice things to me Tuesday night. I examine each word to see if they are fake. It was to overwhelming to be fake. So I had to accept it's how they see it. Something said to me it wasn't just a human behind the screen typing. I felt it was the Lord trying to reach in. Why do such things bring tears.

[deetu]

Because you are not used to them... the foundation of angry words set in and that was what you built your wall on.
By breaking the word curses spoken over you, you will not longer be controlled by them.

[Lionhearted]

hey sis;

Why do such things bring tears.

this is the healing touch of the Holy Spirit ministering to your soul ... breaking thru walls

luvu

[Dora]

Found some time to write down my thoughts.

Woke this morning to a calling to take my unnamed crosses into the woods, to a place I go when I need no distractions. A special place where God always meets me.

The trees grabbed my hair and scratched my face which triggered memories of me running from him when I was a child. I could see and hear things so clearly. It was Gods will as it prepared me for being open to work on the memories.

God took me and the 3 crosses. BTW I was only bringing 2 but he told me to take 3 so I grabbed a third one. I asked him to bring back the memories. I was willing to sit and watch. They were always there, I just wouldn't allow them to be true.

Cross #9: Titled: Daddy
No one got hurt that day. My sister ran home and told my dad who was in the woods and were so he came and stopped anything from happening. He sent me home, one man followed. I can't get his face out of my head. Dad went after that man and uncle went after dad. He was torn between protecting me or fighting. He yelled at me to stop. I stopped. As dad argued with my uncle we slowly made our way away from them. No one was hurt. Yet the memory of what nearly was is haunting and it was my fault. How many times I was told not to go into the woods and I never listened.

Cross #10 Titled: Truth
I'm not sharing what happened with this one. To yucky. Just bury it.

Cross #3 had no title only a place. It is now called "Down To The River To Pray" because this is the song that always come to mind when I think of it. The events harmed not only myself, but my mom and a sister. It is my belief that my mom holds a lot of guilt for this event. I don't understand why this song to this place and events. Perhaps it has to do with what is to come. My mother and sister will join me when I revisit this place. Gods will be done. I've started sanding these three now that they have their name. Doing more work on burning the names into the others. Feeling defeated. But I know it's just the process and soon these memories will find their place settled into the past with the rest, where I can say Look what the Lord has done instead of looking at what man has done. I have a certain amount of peace with all the other memories. I started to pick up my 3 little crosses and I heard, one more thing. I sat them down and said ok Lord. He said, I LOVE YOU! Tears flowed. And have flowed all day when I've had the time and space to go back to what the Lord has done today.

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way!

O sisters let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O sisters let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe & crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O brothers let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
Come on brothers, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O fathers let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O fathers let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O mothers let's go down
Come on down, don't you wanna go down?
Come on mothers, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studding about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O sinners, let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O sinners, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

[deetu]

[momof3]

love you, pinesters..and am praying for you in all of this. One day at a time, sis. Just one. There is healing power in those tears....and each one is collected.

in Jesus,
love momo

[Lionhearted]

praying for you sis ... what a journey you are on!

luvu