Thanks Lion for the encouragement.
Ann
You are just as determined to heal as I am. Maybe your time to return will come. Maybe you'll be able to bury it without returning. Pray for me sister.
Thanks Tam. So true!
Did God tell me to do this?
Well I didn't put out a fleece to see if it had dew on it or not. But I have this very very strong feeling to do this. I have gone back to the bridge that my dad held me over. I have to admit it seemed to open the scar that I thought was healed. But I didn't go having prepared, through prayer. I was in the area and just went. I didn't deal with the feelings that surfaced. I just stuffed them back down and left. Maybe I need to visit that place again as well.
I feel drawn to it. To uncover what I've hidden from myself. To lay down my life so to recover the inner child. So that she can be free. It's a search and rescue mission.
I admit, I'm scared to death. I can't stop trembling at the thought of standing in the same place where things happened.
I saw my counselor this morning and told her my plans of visiting the past by going back to where things happened. She said we have work to do before this. So I'll be seeing her twice a week instead of once a week. Seeing her is like going to the surgeon to have a wound cleaned out and it hurts. So I tremble more. But I can do this! I will do it! I am doing it!
She said God has already concurred this, he's just catching me up to where he's at.
When I return my family will find out. They'll be hurt. They will have to live with the crosses in the woods as a reminder of how I was hurt, their daughter, their sister. I worry of causing them pain. I worry they'll deny it and be angry.
My counselor said It's like I'm plowing a field that has never been plowed and as I do the dirt is going to fall into the path of others. It may make them angry, they may kick dirt back at me, or they may choose to start plowing their own path. It could be the time for the family to begin to heal. To stop denying what has happened. And to admit things were what they were. If they choose to deny it and try to stop me, it won't be the first time and I'll continue plowing through this barren ground with out them. I pray they are with me because it will hurt if they turn their back on me.
Preparing for this trip has made the memories intense. Last night I woke up screaming twice because of the nightmares. Could be the enemy trying to make me afraid of the memories so I will push them back down where I don't face them. Going to face them, head on, through the power of Jesus, with the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and my friends and family by my side. I am talking about you all, and cubby, cause I'm not sure my physical family would have my back or stab me in it. Onward Christian soldiers.