Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:07 pm
Counseling today.
She took me someplace I didn't want to go.
I would fight it and then the Lord would give me a little piece of the puzzle.
Now I feel like I've uncovered a dead body in the woods and I know there are more that I have to uncover. May sound strange if you've not been there. For those who have hid things to painful to deal with from their memory, they may understand.
Now the little girl inside is angry.
She's angry at me.
Kinda funny.
When this all began i was angry at her.
Now she's angry at me.
She could have ran. But her curiosity got her. Or my curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not surrounded in darkness this time.
I learned we were not created to do this alone.
It's not Gods will.
We are one body and need to lean on each other.
A lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of pain today. I turned to chocolate milk instead of vodka.
I know God is with me. I know he cares. I know he has a plan. There are so many who are where I am and don't have this hope. My heart aches for them. Don't ache for me. Ache for them.
I'm at the point I'd like to go back and cover up the dead body in the woods and pretend it never happened. Didn't see that and go on my way with a smile.
For clarification sake dead body in the woods = bad bad memory
I keep saying stupid past why doesn't it go away.
I know I shouldn't regret my past but be thankful because now I can use it for the good.
The adult portion of me, my mind, realizes how gentle and loving God is, but the child, the spirit, is still so afraid, yet angry. I wonder if she'll ever be over this. In time I guess. I keep telling her Jesus is so gentle. Like a little 3 year old that asks why all the time, that is what I get from her. Why, Why did it all have to happen.
I hate to admit this time it feels like more than I can handle.
Three major issues to work through in 2 weeks.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God Bless you all.
She took me someplace I didn't want to go.
I would fight it and then the Lord would give me a little piece of the puzzle.
Now I feel like I've uncovered a dead body in the woods and I know there are more that I have to uncover. May sound strange if you've not been there. For those who have hid things to painful to deal with from their memory, they may understand.
Now the little girl inside is angry.
She's angry at me.
Kinda funny.
When this all began i was angry at her.
Now she's angry at me.
She could have ran. But her curiosity got her. Or my curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not surrounded in darkness this time.
I learned we were not created to do this alone.
It's not Gods will.
We are one body and need to lean on each other.
A lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of pain today. I turned to chocolate milk instead of vodka.
I know God is with me. I know he cares. I know he has a plan. There are so many who are where I am and don't have this hope. My heart aches for them. Don't ache for me. Ache for them.
I'm at the point I'd like to go back and cover up the dead body in the woods and pretend it never happened. Didn't see that and go on my way with a smile.
For clarification sake dead body in the woods = bad bad memory
I keep saying stupid past why doesn't it go away.
I know I shouldn't regret my past but be thankful because now I can use it for the good.
The adult portion of me, my mind, realizes how gentle and loving God is, but the child, the spirit, is still so afraid, yet angry. I wonder if she'll ever be over this. In time I guess. I keep telling her Jesus is so gentle. Like a little 3 year old that asks why all the time, that is what I get from her. Why, Why did it all have to happen.
I hate to admit this time it feels like more than I can handle.
Three major issues to work through in 2 weeks.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God Bless you all.