The Inner Child

[Dora]

Counseling today.
She took me someplace I didn't want to go.
I would fight it and then the Lord would give me a little piece of the puzzle.
Now I feel like I've uncovered a dead body in the woods and I know there are more that I have to uncover. May sound strange if you've not been there. For those who have hid things to painful to deal with from their memory, they may understand.

Now the little girl inside is angry.
She's angry at me.
Kinda funny.
When this all began i was angry at her.
Now she's angry at me.

She could have ran. But her curiosity got her. Or my curiosity got the best of me.

I'm not surrounded in darkness this time.
I learned we were not created to do this alone.
It's not Gods will.
We are one body and need to lean on each other.

A lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of pain today. I turned to chocolate milk instead of vodka.

I know God is with me. I know he cares. I know he has a plan. There are so many who are where I am and don't have this hope. My heart aches for them. Don't ache for me. Ache for them.

I'm at the point I'd like to go back and cover up the dead body in the woods and pretend it never happened. Didn't see that and go on my way with a smile.

For clarification sake dead body in the woods = bad bad memory

I keep saying stupid past why doesn't it go away.
I know I shouldn't regret my past but be thankful because now I can use it for the good.
The adult portion of me, my mind, realizes how gentle and loving God is, but the child, the spirit, is still so afraid, yet angry. I wonder if she'll ever be over this. In time I guess. I keep telling her Jesus is so gentle. Like a little 3 year old that asks why all the time, that is what I get from her. Why, Why did it all have to happen.

I hate to admit this time it feels like more than I can handle.
Three major issues to work through in 2 weeks.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God Bless you all.

[Ann_is_Alive]

Oh Pine hun, I know exactly what you are talking about.

I had counseling yesterday and went somewhere I did not want to go. I, too, uncovered bodies.

Why, why, why did this have to happen? I don't know if that's me asking that or her? I don't know that the adult portion of me can tell her it's ok. I don't know if I can get over this in time, how can I expect her?

Yeah, sometimes it feels like more than I can handle and it is a lot to process.......

But I will overcome, you will overcome, we all will overcome!
And yes, tomorrow will better than today.

[foreverHis]

I'm so awesomely proud of you pino. reading thru this thread and the way you have of putting stuff in writing..I can see that the loving hand of our Father is guiding you this way and that way, the times you struggle with memories or nightmares etc. is painful, but it is needful sometimes, to bring that fear into the healing realm of Jesus,,bring it to light, He you see is our Healer..( I know you know that)....
its like bring all the dross to the surface to deal with it, otherwise it settles again way down deep in your spirit only to rise again at times, the enemy knows what to bring up at the right times to torment you as well, so you will learn what has been dealt with and what to bring to the lord as you do for further healing..

what He has already healed you can tell that memory to go in Jesus Name....ok ok i'm going on way too long....awwwww lion honey, you are such an awesome encourager

God bless you girls....and of course my momo..and Tam you are all awesome

[Tam]

Pine you are doing so good. Chocolate milk for vodka.....I like that! Good choice! Keep pressing thru sis all the bad memories are almost gone! I am so proud of you for not throwing in the towel and for pressing in. Just know that God will use all this for his glory one day.
Love you sis
Tam

[Dora]

God bless you both!

Forevermum Your words bring comfort like a mother to her troubled child. Thank you for posting.

Mypsbox It does bring a bit of comfort to know I'm not the only one feeling these things. Not that I'd wish this on anyone. I thought of you often yesterday because I know you too are uncovering things left undone.

I didn't rest very well last night. Nightmares and fears. Part of me wants to uncover the rest and get it done with. Part of me wants to keep saying it's all just a dream. When I feel strong, I know it's real. When it's hurting I keep trying to convince myself it's just a dream or something other than the truth.

We will make it through and be stronger for it. He continues to ask me to trust Him in this. He has a plan and a purpose. It's not to harm us but to bring us good. As I type I keep going back to anxiety, fear, and memories. So I'm kinda giving myself a pep talk while hoping it helps anyone else who may read it.

Psa 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

[Lionhearted]

Hey!!! my sista ... you are doing such a fabulous job; really you are. Don't worry about those feelings that "crop" up about "loosing" it in an inappropriate time or spot. As you get "weller" and "wholer" in your healing, you will be able to navigate through those "landmines" of triggers.

I found I went through a time of about 6 to 9 months ... where I could only be around my one close friend, because memories where so "raw" and close to the surface. Don't fear this time. I called this time "scab" time. Its when I gave God permission to "bring-it"; I looked over the "cliff" of my emotions and unable to see what was over the edge, God required me to jump. Because in reality, you don't know what has been hidden in your heart of pain ... it is the only thing you CAN do is jump. You don't know what is going to come out after you pull the scab off and it hurts sooooo terribly much to pull it off; and yet it is a necessary step to getting the poison out of our emotions.

You know, healing our emotions are no different that a physical healing. I remember when I was about 10, a fridge fell on my leg and broke it; but also there was this big gash, just under my knee cap. In healing my leg the doctors put a cast on it. So the damage was easily seen ... and the cast was a constant reminder of what happened. After the cast came off, there was this nasty gash that still needed to heal and kept getting infected and the nurses would constantly have to remove the scab to clean it.

It seemed like the end of the world when I was going thru this. But, you know, when I think back, it was only painful and serious at that time. By the time I had turned 13 and then 16, the pain was gone and my skin had healed save for the this big ugly scar (its about 4" long and quite wide) .... life goes on and you heal ... if you do the work. I used to notice this scar quite often. But not so much by the time I hit mid teens. My point is that I've not thought about it since .... until now, to share it with you ... there is no pain, no fear, no anger at my dad (for not getting to me quick enough to stop it) ..... just the memory of the event. Only God can do this .... remove the toxins in our emotions; heal our heart to wholeness ... yet leave us with the memory of the event.

I believe our emotions heal naturally ... just like our bodies do; we just need to give them the proper tools and effort to do it.

I love you sis ... and I'm so proud of you for doing the "hard" thing!!

[Dora]

Found out tonight my uncle who hurt me tried to rape my sister recently. She said I need to forgive him. I begged her to do what she could to get him behind bars. She said he'll soon be off the streets.

The memories flood back. I'm determined to not just push them aside and ignore them. But they are engulfing every moment.

Was working through a memory and I didn't hear someone come in the room. When they touched me I flipped out. I usually just jump. This time I screamed and cried and they felt bad and I felt bad cause they felt bad. Kinda mad at myself cause me not being normal hurt someone. I hate my past. I know it's going to be to Gods glory and is today.

I feel separated from my past right now. Numb. Sick to my stomach.
It'll soon be done. It'll soon be put to rest. Uncovering, processing, then letting go.

It is moving smoothly. I know the reason it is moving quickly is because of the prayers and the counseling and the Holy Spirit. Soon I'll be able to say, it's just a bad thing that happened and it won't effect me. If working through these will remove my fears of certain things, then it's worth it.

Maybe I shouldn't allow myself to think about the past unless I'm with my counselor so I know no one is going to walk up and touch me.

Inner child is curled up rocking herself while singing. Now may be a good time to spend with her and invite the Holy Spirit to minister to her.

Interesting how it was just a gentle touch from someone who loved me but what I saw was not him. For a moment I was in the woods and one of the men touched me. I saw his face right in my face. I heard him. As if it really happened at that moment. That's not what was happening. I was in my home. I was safe. There was no loud noises. There was no voices. Yet the sound still echoes in my ears hours later. Like when someone blows a loud noise close to your ears. You hear that for a long time later. Ringing. God can stop this. I will be praying.

I am so blessed to know God and have him on my side.
He is so gentle.
The world is evil, but He is so good.

[Ann_is_Alive]

Pine, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you. You are doing such a good job working through all this. I am very proud of you!

I can not be touched. Obviously if you have read all my posts, I have been touched and I willingly let them do that, but.......I mean trusting touch.

I was in group therapy and they held hands at the end, I folded my hands in front of me and they grabbed them anyway. I totally freaked out. My dad held both of my hands to lead me to wherever he was going to abuse me.

I was at church helping with the children's play and the youth pastor came up to me and touched my shoulder and told me I had a beautiful spirit. I freaked out. My dad would touch my shoulders and tell me I am beautiful right before he would abuse me.

Maybe I shouldn't allow myself to think about the past unless I'm with my counselor so I know no one is going to walk up and touch me.

I, in my counselor's office, touched her hand - I hadn't done that in years - and eventually let her hold and squeeze my hand. No one could hurt me and all the emotions came flooding out.

Now, although I don't want people to touch me and still won't let people touch me - I am still a work in progress -, if someone does out of the blue, I now know I am safe and I can allow myself to think about that part of my past without - being with my counselor - freaking out all the time. I know God has me and He will protect me.

[Dora]

You are better then about being touched Ann?

I usually do ok. Just flinch if I don't see them. Sometimes the flinch is just inner and I grit my teeth and bear it.
My pastor use to hug me. I would just stiffen up. Now I hug him back. I like his hugs. They are like a big Godly hug. Inside I still tense, but I make myself accept it. The Lord allowed me to feel what a hug feels like when there is no fear. If hugging always felt like that I'd hug every all the time.

Certain touch is just bad in my mind. Which hurts my husband. Which hurts me cause I see how it effected him. I have to remind myself we are one. He says it's ok but my pride doesn't want others effected by me and my issues. Possibly God wants to use this to grow him and others.

My sister called last night. First time EVER! I was in shock and scared about what she may say. They know of the abuse from my dad. They denied it. When I shared some of what I went through with my dad this particular sister said she knew things were bad but didn't realize they were that bad. She's going through counseling for her own painful past. I asked if this certain uncle ever hurt her. She said just recently he tried. Hearing from her brings up the pain, hearing that he is still hurting girls and nearly got to someone I hold dear has me upset, the counseling has brought up so much new stuff. It all just seems like to much. I gotta call my mom today. I told my sister I would last night. And I didn't. I couldn't handle it. There was to much going through my mind. Today I have to get the mask back on so I can keep it together and talk to her. I feel a bit upset at her today. So many times she knew but chose to pretend nothing happened. If she had of been stronger what would of happened? We were in the middle of a web of drugs dealers, who knows what would of happened. It could of ended up worse. Dad may have been killed. Then that would of been my fault. If I had of only stayed home. But I loved the adventure. Besides when I told what happened I was told it was just my imagination and to quit making up stories. I gotta trust, what did happen was not Gods will, but is part of a plan. His plan. Yes it had to be. And any other option isn't acceptable.

Thank you for allowing me to spill my guts. I do feel much better. Settled down a lot.

God bless and keep you each one.
He loves you and so do I.
He loves me too.
Cause he's good like that.

[Ann_is_Alive]

Yes and no on the touch thing.

I will now - sometimes - allow someone to touch me if they ask. I have received hugs from people from my groups.

I will hold hands - I think - everytime at the end of group. I'm ok with that.

I will never - ok never say never - initiate touch.

Beside the abuse, I feel what other people feel - sometimes - when I touch them. I even feel what physically is going on inside of them, besides the emotions they are feeling. Now that I have a lot of my feelings out in the open, I don't want to feel someone else's too. I have a lot of physical problems and I don't want to feel someone else's too.

You all know my family history, you kinda mirror mine, with my sis, my mom and my uncle. I have issues with my mom because I think she knew something was going on but did not do anything. In group there were moms whose kids are in foster care because of the abuse they allowed to happen. They had very young children.

I was thinking - whether that's good or bad - that I wished someone had found out and me and my sis should have been in foster care at a very young age and most of this abuse that happened wouldn't have happened. That sounds bad, I guess, that I would rather live with strangers.

Pine, when you want to talk to mom, you talk to mom. You know when you can handle that and when you can't. Don't force it, just my opinion. Thank you for sharing. You are doing very well. I am very proud of you. Spill your guts anytime sis. Luv ya lots.

Gbu Ann

[Dora]

Thank you Ann.

I understand about the foster home thing. I begged the principal of my school not to send me home after they saw the bruises. They warned my mom they would watch for more signs. Of coarse they didn't have time to watch.

I called mom. Was a nice conversation. She's anxious for me to come visit. We discussed plans for Easter Sunday. It's been a year since I saw her. I contacted over the internet the daughter of the person who bought my grandmas property to get permission to return to the scene(s). I'm going to do this. I've got 3 weeks to prepare for it and I'm determined to go there and bury the memories. I have to have permission from the land owner first. And my hubby beside me.

My sister said she is able to continue counseling because she knows I'm doing this too. Maybe it's the competition between us. She can't let me be stronger or something.

Thanks Ann! And Thanks to all those who have been there for me, prayed for me, and listened to me.

Our hope is in the Lord.

[Dora]

Lots going through my mind.

We went and priced out the cost of making these crosses. I'm going to return to the places I was hurt in the woods near my home in Missouri. I haven't been there is a very long time.

There is so much doubt and fears.

What if I can't find the places. The woods has changed a lot in 30 years, I'm sure of it.

What if I do find the places and totally melt down.

What if my mom or sister goes and they see me doing this and I have to explain. What if they don't believe me. What if they spread it around the community and others get angry.

I think everyone knows my uncle well enough to not doubt what happened, so I should stop worrying over that.

What if we can't go there because the owners won't let us.

What if the woods is still not safe and someone gets hurt.

What if I have to take my kids.

What if it has no effect on me.

What if I find something that was mine in one of the spots. What if I don't.

What if I don't visit all the spots and leave feeling the mission wasn't accomplished.

I am praying His will over all these details.