Christianity Oasis Forum

[Tracy L]

Hi everyone
I just needed to say I have been feeling down lately. I have read some terrific testimonies on here how God has done wonderful things for folks and that is great! But....my saving experience was not so great.
I don't remember if I shared mine or not but when I got born-again (24 yrs ago) I had all the wonderful feelings everyone has with knowing our Lord and the joy and all that . It was great until I broke up with the woman I was with (I struggle with SSA) and then moved to my moms cuz I lost my job and had no car or money. Living with my mom and step-dad was tormenting to me and I got really down. He wouldn't allow me to watch Christian TV or witness to mom about God. Mom and I started going to church and then all the sudden she said that he said they didn't have time for that anymore. All this took it's toll on me, loneliness, depression, etc....made me start missing the ex-girlfriend. Had no one to share my feelings or problems with. To make a long story short...I can look back and see how God was there but I did not "feel" him. And why is it that for some folks God takes all their problems away immediately after being born-again and they go on the succeed for Him and do wonderful things for God. I kept falling on my face and struggling in and out of sin. Please don't mistake this post for downing our Lord...it is not, never was His fault. I just wondered why He didn't intercede somehow. What did I miss??? I mean I have read stories on folks who came out of homosexuality very easily and successfully cuz God intervened and brought someone to help them or immediately delivered them from the feelings, in which I say, woooo hoooo for Jesus. But on the other hand, why was my road so difficult and rocky and ended up messing up my life (on my own) yrs later by getting married out of loneliness (we won't go into that fiasco). I was just wondering. Someone once said in a testimony I read that when you are born-again it is NOT a pre-frontal labotomy. Your problems don't just go "poof". But why is it when I read the success's some have, I feel cheated in some way?
My feeling is that the enemy got me soooo down by using everything he had to trick me....using my step-dad (whom I really love) to say mean things to me and making me feel like God wasn't there and feeling like I was trapped, etc. And I still remember things ppl said that were cruel. Even my own mother! For instance, when I finally got my SSA under control, with the Lords help, I had decided I wanted a family of my own, Mom came home and out of no where said, "you know, so and so (a friend of hers) said you'd probably never get married." That mad me furious!!! I felt like used garbage that no one would have! So what did I do? I thought to myself....oooooohhhh...I'll show them someone would have me. This led to bad things and later I married someone I didn't know, didn't ask God, didn't care anymore. And I am sure, after the fiasco shell of a marriage that it was NOT God's will for me at that time.
Which brings me to present time. I am divorced and searching for my Lord to re-connect with him and all these stumbling blocks keep hitting me in the face. I talk to Him allot, read my Bible, sing praise songs but I don't hear anything from Him . I don't have the "just saved" feelings anymore.
Anyways, I just wonder why when some ppl get saved He moves so dramatically in their lives and why my experience wasn't so. I know He loves me just as much. Any advice or comment?
Thanks ya'll and GBU.

Tracy

[Psittac]

I think you may have a grass is greener on the other side syndrome. In my life I was lead astray and it caused alot of problems and the lord has worked a drastic miracle in my life, but that doesn't mean that it was an easy process or life is all peachy now that he has saved it. I struggle every single day with a whole variety of issues. I am tempted every day by different things and have problems of my own. Plus the whole process of being saved took several years to happen in my life and it still isn't over.

I think you should make an amends with your past. I know that for me it was difficult and took a long time, I had to hit rock bottom and dwell on the past before I could be picked up and get over it. But today I've managed to get over much of it with the lords help. Yeah some things are just to difficult to deal with and leave me wondering how they could have ever happened, but over enough time I can just forget about them and now when alot of things come up I really can't relate myself to them, I just kinda go huh that sucked, good thing it's over with.

Time and prayer can solve anything

[Tracy L]

Hi psit.

Thank you for your reply and I believe you are very correct when you said I had the "grass is greener on the other side". I think I had allot of self-pity in my earlier yrs and couldn't look past "my pain and hurts" to see that everyone has problemms too. That was very selfish of me. I guess I looked through the "glass darkly" and thought everyone else had it better than I did. I feel so stupid now.
See, when I got saved and started going to church I was disillusioned into thinking that all those ppl in church had it better than I did. I "saw" happy ppl that had it made (in my eyes) and I think envy set in. I think the church has a problem these days of leading ppl to believe that we can pretend everything is hunky-dory and folks don't confess their problems and issues so anyone new thinks that all is wonderful for the others in there. Some probably hide their issues (like I did). I did it for fear of ppl judging me at the time. I mean it. I was grieving back then over the loss of my relationship with that woman and trying to live for God. Now, if I would have told them that ppl might have pulled away from me cuz ppl tend to pull away from folks that struggle with homosexuality. I know how they talk about them, I have heard it for myself. I haven't even told the ppl at my current church how I struggle for fear that would not, for instance, get the gross out factor going and not hug me anymore at church. God has graciously taken the lust factor out of my struggle and I praise Him for that! I do not lust anymore but....I still have the emotional addiction to women (although I don't know why) but if these ppl were to know my past they would freak. And to get over the emotional thing I NEED the healthy hugs and healthy female friendships. But would they be afraid of me if I told them what I struggle with?? Am I still being selfish here? I don't know. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.
I sure do appreciate your input here. This site has helped me so much to see that "we all" have issues with sin and problems that have to work themselves out throughout our journey in this life. I have just stank at working mine out.
Well, I will press on.

GBU bro,
Tracy

[Psittac]

First of all I think that you've been beating yourself up a little bit. Once you've learned from something it's best to let go of it, constantly feeling guilt or shame doesn't do anyone any good.

I also noticed you talking about dealing with homosexuality and though I don't have any answers for you I can share with you where I'm at. My best friend is gay and I don't know what to think of it. I've known ever since we first became friends and basically the way I feel is so long as he doesn't involve me in anything then I'm fine with it. The problem is when I start to feel as if he may in some small way be attracted to me at times, some times he jokes around about gay things focused towards us (when we're with another friend of his everyone is a bit lewd and jokes) and though I don't know if theres any validity behind his statements it sort of bothers me to think he might be attracted to me.

So without thinking I know you, the people around you or the situation between you all, I would say that it takes a certain kind of person to accept something like this. If you were to share this struggle with someone it could potentially cause them to be uneasy as I am uneasy at times with my best friend. I don't mean that this is some deep dark secret you should keep but I also feel that you should ask yourself if sharing this with someone would actually help you in improving.

Personally I've got a lot from my past that I continue to struggle with and they are things I don't like sharing with others because I know first of all I don't want to bring these problems into my life with them and second of all because they are things I know that only god can help me with. I want to keep my past separate from my future but it's tough trying to deal with it all on my own.

I've got a very introverted personality however and keep everything to myself so you may be a very different person. Do what you feel is best

edit: when I say this is something that maybe you shouldn't share, I mean that most relationships can't handle your deepest problems what ever the problem is.

[Tracy L]

Psit,
Thanks for your input. I am sure it is different being a guy and having a guy friend that is gay but I guess women could feel uneasy also and I agree that I should use Godly wisdom in who I share this struggle with. I, myself, get uneasy being hit on by anyone, male or female, and I do not like lewd and crude jokes period. Unfortunately in this current world we live in, we have to tolerate ppl that do that. I have allot of straight friends, including my boss (and my former boss' that are women) and they knew but it did not bother them cuz they knew I am not that kind of person. I don't make jokes and am uncomfortable when other ppl do. I usually have some kind of come-back when ppl do that though cuz I do work in a convenience store and hear all kinds of rude/crude statements. But I keep my comments in a Godly way.

GBU
Tracy

[Tracy L]

Hey Chas !

Was wondering where you've been sis. Sorry you're having some tough times. I pray the Lord's helping you.

Yes, I do agree we are our own worst enemy and we do sometimes get ourselves into trouble (when we already know the outcome). I have overcome much of my problems regarding the sexuality issue cuz I have turned back to Jesus. I am one of those that had to learn the hard way.

And I do agree that early on in my walk, I was more into my pain and was selfish. Guess I didn't realize that takes time for the Lord to mold and shape us and I was impatient, sighhhhhh.

Anyhow, I will be patient now and enjoy just being God's girl! That's enough for me!!

BGU sis,
Tracy