Yes Oct Thankyou.
I do feel guilty, because when it's a large bible study, I can't devote the time to get through it all at once right now. I do feel it's me, not giving my best to him.
I didn't sleep much last night. Kept dreaming I left 4 door to my house open all night. Which allowed room for the enemy to come in. Praying for him to reveal if there is spiritual meaning to this.
Psalms 62:5
My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him.
This is where I was yesterday and still am today.
One last memory of my dad that I wouldn't accept. I share this with you as it might be one of the doors left open. I won't share the memory. I don't want to share it with anyone. I've come to the place where I accept it as my past, which leaves me a bit shaken up to accept it. The denial has turned to anger. Anger against the world. Going through the process one more time. I'm hoping this is the last. I searched every memory I could find last night, hoping I wouldn't come across one that just ended, blocked. I hope the four doors is not four memories left open that I have to pass through. Today I'll be working through closing this door and shutting off the emotions that are connected to it. For now I put these things off so I can work on the study.
The study today is on worldly trends. I think I've got that one covered well. I'm not into impressing the world.
And seeds and weeds. Interesting. Going to make me deal with this isn't he?
Just like the rebellious teen that shuts off her fathers words of how she needs to improve on an area of her life as it's effecting her and others, I found myself in the study today doing the same. Shutting it off, just get through it. So I went back and read it again, taking note to when it hit a cord and caused me to choose to let my mind drift. And there I found some weeds. It does feel good to give them over to God.
And then this
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
So I choose to seek the good in the past memory that is causing me to be angry this morning. A weed that's been there for 30 years. Wow am I that old! It's deep one, which has grown tightly around my heart.
When trying to remove them, I stumble at the thought of how could a daddy cut his little girl with razors. He was sick. There they come, the tears that will heal this. He wasn't an evil man. He was a man lost in the world of sin, lust, anger, pride, and alcohol. My heart screams daddy how could you do this to me!
I spent yesterday in denial that it even happened. Once in the middle of the night as I woke up because I felt the doors were open I heard his voice, "Dora you know this is the truth. Accept it and move on." I don't want to accept it. Denial is so much easier. To pass through the door again and see and feel it all over. So it can be closed and shut off the enemies access into my life.
It needs to be done. If this was one of the four doors, there are three more to go. I have no idea what they are. Or do I and I just deny they are there and they are real. He will reveal them in his time, when I am ready. He's just good like that.
Well 7:30, it took an hour. But well worth it. And I finished the entire study in one sitting.
Wow. I had no idea he was taking me this route along this path. I thought I was seeking what I missed in the study about my calling, not uncovering what was hidden in the closet.
Now it is time to...Forget the past, think forward, be thus minded.
Philippians 3:13-16
I do need to spend some time, making sure I've allowed God to remove the emotions attached to this big weed. Otherwise It will be back.