In the beginning...
Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2020 4:05 amSo i'm told this is day 1 of 14 that will change my life... I hardly believe it, call me a cynical sceptic but I have gotten to the point that any sort of reprieve sounds too good to be true. If anyone from the outside world were to look in on my life they would think it's almost perfect, that I have so much to be thankful for and if looks were all that counted I would almost agree, but oh how far from the truth that is. I am 45 years old and I am exhausted with life, ashamed of myself and have very little trust in the human race and hardly any faith in a God I have believed in all my life.
I am a cliche, brought up in a Christian home that I recently discovered was nothing but a lie. I got married at 20, pregnant, divorced 6 years later with 2 children. Got remarried at 28, shortly after giving my life to God only to have husband 2 killed in a cycling accident after just 3 years of marriage. Became heavily dependent on drugs and slept around alot. Also lost my brother during this year. Met husband number 3 and re committed my life to God and had quite a good run until falling apart after discovering I was pregnant with our 5th child. Got severe post natal depression, was on and off the drugs again and then 3 years ago realised my 18 year old daughter who was the perfect human, beautiful, sporty and achieved 7 distinctions in her final year of school was on drugs. Oh the shock!!! We booked her into a rehab centre and it was whilst she was here that it came out that my pastor/elder, most righteous, judgemental father had been sexually abusing my daughter for 9 years. He asked for forgiveness and because the bible tells us to forgive, that's what I had to do but I can't get over it... My daughter is still in counselling and is so broken I don't think she'll ever have a healthy relationship. I have been by her side on numerous occassions when she's tried to end her life and there is nothing I can do to fix her. I blame myself for her pain as her mother why did I not see what was happening. I go from being so angry with my father that I want him to die to feeling so guilty and mourning the father I thought I had.
We have immigrated to Nz to get away from that life even though I am still in contact with my parents but I hate it here, miss home especially my 24 year old son and sister and can't seem to find a church to call home or make any friends.
I am so lonely
I am a cliche, brought up in a Christian home that I recently discovered was nothing but a lie. I got married at 20, pregnant, divorced 6 years later with 2 children. Got remarried at 28, shortly after giving my life to God only to have husband 2 killed in a cycling accident after just 3 years of marriage. Became heavily dependent on drugs and slept around alot. Also lost my brother during this year. Met husband number 3 and re committed my life to God and had quite a good run until falling apart after discovering I was pregnant with our 5th child. Got severe post natal depression, was on and off the drugs again and then 3 years ago realised my 18 year old daughter who was the perfect human, beautiful, sporty and achieved 7 distinctions in her final year of school was on drugs. Oh the shock!!! We booked her into a rehab centre and it was whilst she was here that it came out that my pastor/elder, most righteous, judgemental father had been sexually abusing my daughter for 9 years. He asked for forgiveness and because the bible tells us to forgive, that's what I had to do but I can't get over it... My daughter is still in counselling and is so broken I don't think she'll ever have a healthy relationship. I have been by her side on numerous occassions when she's tried to end her life and there is nothing I can do to fix her. I blame myself for her pain as her mother why did I not see what was happening. I go from being so angry with my father that I want him to die to feeling so guilty and mourning the father I thought I had.
We have immigrated to Nz to get away from that life even though I am still in contact with my parents but I hate it here, miss home especially my 24 year old son and sister and can't seem to find a church to call home or make any friends.
I am so lonely
Tanperrett. Welcome to Oasis. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. We have lots in common. In my case my experience with my abuser skewed my view of God. For a long long time i was so very lost. I first came to Oasis back in uhm 07 i think and it helped alot. Then i left and recently came back. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and please just keep trying and don't give up. It took a long time to realize that a "man of God" could do such unspeakable things and it took me awhile to figure that out and wrap my head around alot of different things. Just keep hanging on and keep trying. Don't give up. What happened wasn't your fault nor was it your daughter's fault. Keep searching. hugs and prayers