ouch.
Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:07 amthis has to be one of the most hardest blogs I think I will ever write. I guess I should probably start by saying that threw out my life Ive always been an intravert, and Ive never really been able to say what I really want to say,and I guess writing it is the next best thing even though Im not sure I ever really get to the point of what Im trying to say, its about 4:00am right now and I cant sleep because I have so much swimming around in my head that I cant really organize my thoughts to the point where I can clearly make a point..but I have to atleast try...
yesterday(tuesday) marked the 2 year anniversary of the death of my timbo (TM or tim to some of you who know who he is already) for those of you have no clue who he is...he was my fiance...my best friend, my life. I was asked by my friend david last weekend to write a letter to TM just as he asked many other people to do. only he also asked me to be the one to edit all the letters together into a video that he could play at a memorial. I spent countless hours of lost sleep and study time trying to figure out how to get 2 years of thoughts and memories into 3 or 4 frames in a video.
I believe that it was hard for all of us who were asked to write letters that ended up in the video, and even for those who were asked and didn't make the deadline for it. I also believe that this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I know in my head and in my heart exactly what I wanted to say but I just couldn't bring myself to say it because every time I tried to say it I just couldn't pull the words out of my head, and I still cant bring myself to say it.
I kinda of feel like I'm being plagued by it for what feels like years, and I cant help but always come to the phrase"its not fair" and the questions kept pelting me over and over again. and I always thought that I could never really be mad at god for giving me my angel and then calling him home, but I think today I realized that I am mad at him. because god gave me an angel, 2 years ago he gave me a reason to keep going, a reason to keep fighting, and then all of a sudden he took it away from me. god took my life, my light, my love away from me. and I was mad I was so mad that I denied it for 2 years.
now I think its time to let it go. I cant stay mad at my heavenly father. because he is the only father Ive ever really had. and like a father he does whats best for his children. He took TM because he knew that thats what was best for TM and me, and everyone that TM knew. taking him impacted my friends and I so much that atleast 4 people in my circle of friend (including me) were saved within a year of TM's passing. it allowed me to see things that are greater than my own little world and to rely on things that are not of me and more of my father. for that I shouldnt be mad, I should be thankful
yesterday(tuesday) marked the 2 year anniversary of the death of my timbo (TM or tim to some of you who know who he is already) for those of you have no clue who he is...he was my fiance...my best friend, my life. I was asked by my friend david last weekend to write a letter to TM just as he asked many other people to do. only he also asked me to be the one to edit all the letters together into a video that he could play at a memorial. I spent countless hours of lost sleep and study time trying to figure out how to get 2 years of thoughts and memories into 3 or 4 frames in a video.
I believe that it was hard for all of us who were asked to write letters that ended up in the video, and even for those who were asked and didn't make the deadline for it. I also believe that this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I know in my head and in my heart exactly what I wanted to say but I just couldn't bring myself to say it because every time I tried to say it I just couldn't pull the words out of my head, and I still cant bring myself to say it.
I kinda of feel like I'm being plagued by it for what feels like years, and I cant help but always come to the phrase"its not fair" and the questions kept pelting me over and over again. and I always thought that I could never really be mad at god for giving me my angel and then calling him home, but I think today I realized that I am mad at him. because god gave me an angel, 2 years ago he gave me a reason to keep going, a reason to keep fighting, and then all of a sudden he took it away from me. god took my life, my light, my love away from me. and I was mad I was so mad that I denied it for 2 years.
now I think its time to let it go. I cant stay mad at my heavenly father. because he is the only father Ive ever really had. and like a father he does whats best for his children. He took TM because he knew that thats what was best for TM and me, and everyone that TM knew. taking him impacted my friends and I so much that atleast 4 people in my circle of friend (including me) were saved within a year of TM's passing. it allowed me to see things that are greater than my own little world and to rely on things that are not of me and more of my father. for that I shouldnt be mad, I should be thankful
