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Hello journal. I cannot say that I am sitting down with eager anticipation of writing the following but discipline must pick up where eagerness and anticipation fall away or are just lacking. With what I put on these pages yesterday comes today another part of the problem, I will give the problem a name and it is a nasty name: The name is self hatred and its roots grow deep into my garden. With all that happened in those few short years the weed of self hatred was planted, fertilized, watered and nurtured - really kind of sick is it not?! I try to think on God's love for me and others, I can walk into the church I attend and see and feel how much God loves the people there, and sometimes I catch a glimpse of God's love for me, but to stay in a position and receive and grow in that love is something I have not been able to do. I understand it in my head but it rarely gets to my heart and that is where it needs to get to. The first time I saw an illustration of Jesus throwing his head back and laughing I was speechless - a God who smiles did not fit the way I saw or see God. I am not saying for one moment that my view of God is without flaw but it never occurred to me that Jesus might actually be happy about anything, smile at anyone or enjoy much of anything. I know Jesus loves me, I have sang that song to all of my kids, but my heart is blocked off and I very, very limited heart knowledge of it - but I sure do know the scriptures about God's love in my head!
I spent so many years denying the pain, medicating it in various way and just being unaware of the source of the pain that the kid inside me and I are pretty disconnected. Furthermore, attempts to heal and connect with the kid are what you might call exceptionally painful. I do not like him let alone love him as he is just a horrid reminder of hideous events and he was too weak to stand up and fight and all of the fallout that came along with those events. But the dirty little secret is that his pain is my pain and what was done to him was done to me. I have forgiven the individuals involved, I have forgiven God for letting the whole sorry business take place, but embracing that boy and forgiving him..................I have said the words before "I forgive you," to that lad and gone so far as to tell him that no one will ever hurt him like that again, but I cannot make myself accept him for any real length of time or with any lasting success. I am tired of this trail around this mountain and am so ready for a different path, trail, road, highway, river, sea or ocean. I take my comfort in God - what is impossible with man is possible with God.

Children blame themselves. Part of that is that if it is your fault, then you can control or fix it. But it is never a child's fault. Never, never, never. No matter what. Even if the child was seductive (I am talking about children under the age of 15 or so - I'm not talking about a 17 year old girl seducing a 19 year old boy - that is something different. I don't know where everything changes exactly - tough questions - but it doesn't apply to you does it?)

If a child is beaten, locked in closets or any sort of other thing - it is the adult's fault. The adult did wrong - far more wrong than anything the child could have done. And the anger that is present is the adult's anger - at something else - not at the child.

But the child inherently blames himself.

I've read on this and you might have as well. You see a child is helpless. The child knows that he needs an adult to survive. And whether his adult is the bad adult or not, if the adult rejects the child - the child may die. Hopefully not in today's society - but it has happened. And instinct knows this. And so, if the child is the bad one, then the adult, the protector, will still protect. But if the adult is the bad one, then the child has no hope at all. Therefore the child blames himself. This reason of self-preservation is really separate from the other reason, the reason of control. If the child has done something wrong, then the child may have the possibility of fixing it. But if the child did not - then there is no hope of control or of change. It is a different area and a different reason.

The child was not too weak in the sense you state. The child was a child. I have heard women talk about how they should have fought off their rapist when they were five. Really? How much does a five year old weigh? And what does she know? Has she been schooled in self-defense? Trained in martial arts? Have a gun at her disposal? Really? A 40 lb child who can be scooped up on her father's shoulders could fight off a rapist? But yet I have heard that kind of thing from several people. The child inside of you was trained to obey adults. He was in shock. Confusion. And if he had beaten up his attacker, the attacker would have lied and the child inside of you would likely have been punished. Perhaps sent away for crazy violence. Again, the child knows he needs his adult. And he doesn't want to lose his protector.

So, this is why most children self-blame. And it is worth looking at for yourself. It is important to see that the child was a victim. Oh that will make the child feel so hopeless inside. He will rise up inside of you and against you because the victim idea is so scary.

And then that makes you mad at him more. When you try to help him he gives you more trouble. Yes, I am talking about the child inside of you as though he is a different person. In a way he is. He is all the parts of you who were denied and locked away for so many years. How do you get rid of him? You cannot - what you can do is make him part of you.

Be prepared for the fact that he needs to get very angry. And let him. Plan for it. Confront the past when you have the time and space to be angry and to cry. When you will not be embarrassed. Let the child totally release these feelings. This won't be just one day. It will be a day here and a day there for months. And then it will get better and you will be tempted to think it is all over. But something will trigger it and you will have to deal again. Maybe for a couple of days over a couple of weeks. And gradually it will shorten until you can go off by yourself for an hour or so and come back okay. And it will stay there forever. But no more surprises. No more having emotions surprise you in bad places. No more having to give yourself a belly ache or a headache or a jaw ache or whatever happens with you while you try to cram down emotions that amaze you.

Truly, allow yourself time and space and months to recover. You have an excellent start. Sometimes it takes years and years. With much of that time being spent in rounds of denial. It seems you are past that stage. That's the toughest one to get past.

God bless.