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There is a very lonely place inside of me - the place where I hide. I have repeatedly asked God and others - am I invisible - because I do not feel seen nor heard. The other day I heard the Lord say "You are not invisible. You are hiding." I heard it at church. There was a young man that had come up for prayer this past Sunday and the Pastor said "Stop hiding." That's what I do - and I wonder why there is such a devastating, barren loneliness inside. I am hiding - walled up and protected from everyone (except me). I know Jesus. I have family. I have food, clothing and shelter. But, I am still lost and alone. I want someone to rescue me, to say they see me and to call me out. Protect me. I know that is what Jesus does. How did I get to this lonely place, or have I always been here but have been too busy to know it? Or is it my disappointment in where I am in my life and what I never did? Is it that I feel worthless even though I know, in my head, that He died for me? I feel like I am wandering in circles in the desert complaining. "You want me to eat bread off this filthy ground after I had the finest bread in Egypt for my whole life?" LOL. I feel like I hurt those closest to me because I have so much that needs to be healed and purged from inside of my heart. I want to dance on the mountaintop praising God and hide in the cave all at the same time. I think of myself as pathetic as I struggle with the same sin, the same issues - but they are getting worse...consuming what little of me there is left and pushing me deeper into the shadows. Sometimes I get my head above the waters of the raging storm inside...and I breathe. I think that I have finally gotten a break through, that I will finally do something or get some healing that "sticks". Then, something happens, a fight with my husband or I go off at the kids, and I sink again into the darkness. I feel like so much of me has died. So much of my heart, of my hopes. I don't want to get up in the morning because I can't seem to get anything under control. I don't have anything that I really look forward to and do many, many things that are epic fails. Again, pathetic. If I have so much to live for, then why don't I know how to live? It's like the Israelites in the desert. They were freed slaves who did not know how to be free. Jesus has set me free but it's almost like I don't comprehend it. Maybe it has just been building over the years. Maybe. One disappointment after another. This is not who I thought I'd be; not where I thought I'd be. As I say that I think of all the blessings, all the amazing grace He has given me. What is wrong with me? I am going to do the 14 days and hope that maybe this time something fundamental inside my head, and heart, will change. I need something, or someone, to change. Most likely me and the way I think. I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to serve Him with gladness, strength and with no whining.

There is a saying.. that God will give you what you want, but first you must have empty hands.

I think you are realizing you must have empty hands. I am in the same boat. I have food, money, shelter and live in a place of being comfortable. I need to die to myself and do the same thing.

Let me know if the 14 days thing works for you. Or if you want to do it with someone online.. I will be more than happy to try it out with you.

Cory

I have found that those who want to be rescued - those who say they want to be rescued - generally make being rescued impossible. I write them and hear of people who approach them - and there is no way that the hurt person will let anyone in.

Imagine that somebody comes to rescue you - what happens next? Really, this is an exercise - picture the rescue. Let it happen in your brain. Does it happen? Or do you tell the person that no, you are okay? Do you say and do things to make the person walk away?

Are you too busy? Are you too tired? Not today? Not that way? Not the other way?

Hiding. Being afraid.

So, why are you afraid? There is a reason. What is the reason?

Is your husband your friend? Was he your friend?

Are you clinically depressed? Is your body making the wrong chemicals and causing you to feel down?

The answer is with the cause. If you were hurt over and over. If you reached out to your husband but he shut you out - then that is where to start. Perhaps you have expectations he can't meet. Perhaps you need a girl friend.

What about the children? Are they really small? have they gotten to the age they don't need you anymore? Do you feel like you don't have an important role in the world?

Or do you work, take care of the kids and do it mostly on your own? Exhaustion will make you depressed. Sleeping and eating appropriately can end a lot of depression. So, please, don't just look for a magic cure - look for where this started. If you need to sleep two more hours a night, then please do. Find a way. There is a way.

PS, if you want to write me privately, then hit the PM button under my avatar on the right. Under where it says I am married.

Thanks Cory. I have heard that saying and know it to be true. Maybe that is the journey I am on. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going to give this program my all. By the way, I used to live in your neck of the woods. I grew up in Naples and lived in Fort Myers for a time.

Thanks, Dema. I like your straight forward style and I am going to answer those questions with the Lord's help. I am already grateful for the community here.