k125 journal and my struggle with faith
Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 8:05 am
Okay so I started the Christian counseling yesterday and here are my thoughts from yesterday:
Hello,
This email is probably going to be pretty long. I like to think and ponder things so I seem to do a lot of thinking.
I have grown up in a Christian home. I am very blessed that God gave me Christian parents and a younger sister who has been saved by Christ as well.
So to start my story...
When I was a child I didn't have many troubles. I asked the Lord into my heart when I was I think 4 years old and again around 6 or 7.
It seemed like after a while, around 10 perhaps I started to develop OCD symptoms. Worrying about touching something dirty, washing my hands alot.
As I started to get older I never thought much of what it meant to be a Christian. I didn't really "see" what it meant or I believe I never really understood.
Yes, I talked to God, but perhaps He was like a genie to me or a friend, but never who He really is.
We moved when I was 12 years old out of state.
Around 13 years old I started to question my faith. This I am thankful for this or to this day I might just be walking around blindly oblivious to whether I truly know Him or not.
At 14 years old I again asked Him into my heart with perhaps a little more understanding what salvation means.
I thought there had been a change but my emotions were soaring at that time because I liked a boy at my church back then.
We left that church and went somewhere else, I don't exactly remember when it was exactly but, I do know around 15 years old I was terrible. I was so angry. I was mean to my parents.
Looking back I feel really bad.
Then around 16 we moved again. This time in the same state.
So what is truly bothering me and hurting me is this:
When I was fourteen I thought I knew God but then I keep falling back and forth and back and forth.
I'm pretty convinced I'm not.
Why? I need CHANGE in my life!
I have been very distressed over this for the past couple years.
Let me explain:
I have heard the gospel MANY MANY MANY times.
But what is so distressing to me is my heart seems to be like A STONE or A FIST inside.
Like I do not want to repent or surrender. So I may say to myself, " I must TRY harder to repent. I need to have a desire to surrender. "
I feel like I'm blocked. Like there is nothing in me that wants to repent or surrender to God.
Like a war is raging inside my soul, no matter how many times I desperately ask God to take it away. It is SO deep.
I need help. I know only God has the power to save and help me. I need Him, but I'm resisting Him.
What should I do?
Is it impossible for me to be saved if I can't DESIRE what I need to?
Hello,
This email is probably going to be pretty long. I like to think and ponder things so I seem to do a lot of thinking.
I have grown up in a Christian home. I am very blessed that God gave me Christian parents and a younger sister who has been saved by Christ as well.
So to start my story...
When I was a child I didn't have many troubles. I asked the Lord into my heart when I was I think 4 years old and again around 6 or 7.
It seemed like after a while, around 10 perhaps I started to develop OCD symptoms. Worrying about touching something dirty, washing my hands alot.
As I started to get older I never thought much of what it meant to be a Christian. I didn't really "see" what it meant or I believe I never really understood.
Yes, I talked to God, but perhaps He was like a genie to me or a friend, but never who He really is.
We moved when I was 12 years old out of state.
Around 13 years old I started to question my faith. This I am thankful for this or to this day I might just be walking around blindly oblivious to whether I truly know Him or not.
At 14 years old I again asked Him into my heart with perhaps a little more understanding what salvation means.
I thought there had been a change but my emotions were soaring at that time because I liked a boy at my church back then.
We left that church and went somewhere else, I don't exactly remember when it was exactly but, I do know around 15 years old I was terrible. I was so angry. I was mean to my parents.
Looking back I feel really bad.
Then around 16 we moved again. This time in the same state.
So what is truly bothering me and hurting me is this:
When I was fourteen I thought I knew God but then I keep falling back and forth and back and forth.
I'm pretty convinced I'm not.
Why? I need CHANGE in my life!
I have been very distressed over this for the past couple years.
Let me explain:
I have heard the gospel MANY MANY MANY times.
But what is so distressing to me is my heart seems to be like A STONE or A FIST inside.
Like I do not want to repent or surrender. So I may say to myself, " I must TRY harder to repent. I need to have a desire to surrender. "
I feel like I'm blocked. Like there is nothing in me that wants to repent or surrender to God.
Like a war is raging inside my soul, no matter how many times I desperately ask God to take it away. It is SO deep.
I need help. I know only God has the power to save and help me. I need Him, but I'm resisting Him.
What should I do?
Is it impossible for me to be saved if I can't DESIRE what I need to?