Christianity Oasis Forum

[marnigal]

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and fear all my life and I've had many stretches where I'm choked by it all. Thank God that He is always calling me and protecting me because He has repeatedly brought me back to Him. Yet I am just stepping out of another round of horrid darkness and found this site by googling Christian counselling, and what a find! God is the only One that can break through my muck. The root of my troubles and the weed that grows deep and entangles my life is the belief that I'm worthless. This is not a pride thing, I've never used it for attention, and it's always been the reason I hide in depression. I've often felt like an onlooker in life, separated, isolated, different, that there's something so very wrong with me, and beyond the reach of any help. Like I'm trapped in my own 'bubble' in space, being pressed in on all sides, with the air being sucked out of me, while looking on the earth watching other people live their lives. I blame myself for being the way that I am and that is all my fault for being lonely and disconnected. I'm married to a man that is not a believer, who also detaches himself from me and is very hard to connect with. We have a baby together, then got married. My journey with God is a slow process . My husband and I do not share the same core deep values. I used to work very hard in opening up to him (been together for 10 years total) but we keep ending up in the same ruts. I'm very unhappy and feel dead inside towards him. He often plays games, watches TV, and we can't even sleep together due to my own insomnia/sleep disruptions. Well there those are the biggest things for me to dump out. I have hope today as Jesus broke through my muck once again. I just want to live and believe that God's love is also truly for me and that He does have a purpose for me, too.

[dema]

There is a reason you feel that way. And it is important that you find it. If you can look at it and see it, then you can better prevent the deepness of the darkness.

It is possible that your mother worked constantly. Or was busy, busy, busy in some other ways. A lot of times when people feel worthless it is because they never felt treasured as a child. If this is so, sometimes it helps to go to the zoo, color or do things that you feel you missed as a child - or things that were one of your few pleasures.

Did anybody read to you? Hug you? Hold you? These are things everybody needs. Yes, everybody. Many times isolated people blame themselves for needing them. EVERYBODY needs them.

You can PM me if you would like.

[Dora]

Welcome to Oasis Marnigal. I feel God has led you here.

How long have you struggled with depression and anxiety?

[marnigal]

Ty so much for both your responses Pine and dema, it means a lot to me. I never felt safe growing up, I've felt so isolated my entire life. I love that idea of revisiting childhood favourite activities. I'm trying to parent myself a little as I parent my son; I so very want him to feel treasured and safe. I don't ever remember cuddles or my parents telling me they loved me growing up. The first time my Dad expressed any pride in me was when I graduated from university when I was 33 years old, and I couldn't handle it! I grew to know that they love me in the best way they know how (food; clean, nice home, summer vacations, ...) but I was often left feeling full of shame and fear for who I am. I still am blown away with hope by finding Oasis! Can't believe it exists!

[dema]

Kids need to be touched and told they are loved. And when they aren't, it is difficult to grow up properly. Congrats on getting your degree. And on making a connection with your dad.

Sometimes if you look your shame in the eye it helps. And sometimes if you pretend that somebody is confessing what you feel to you - if you look at yourself as a person outside yourself it helps.

[marnigal]

Luckily my little one is cuddly and I make sure we get lots of snuggles.

I wouldn't say it was a connection with my dad, even though he opened up to me. I couldn't handle it and worked very hard not to cry in front of him. I don't feel safe with him AT ALL.

I've experienced that idea of 'talking to myself' as if I can see myself. Kind of like that idea of speaking to your inner child? I'm trying to give myself compassion ... if God can give it me, certainly I can accept it and give it to myself, too!

[dema]

One technique of therapy is to get a person talking and then asking about tells. You have a tell in your last statement.

"I don't feel safe with him AT ALL."

Why? What does he do? Does he cut the rug right out from under you? Deflate you with mean words whenever you feel you've done something good? Or is it something more sinister than that?

Please write me if you don't feel like you can answer here.

Things held inside make big boils. Nasty sores. When we get them out, it doesn't make them go away entirely, but it greatly reduces the pain and helps us to function better in life.

Hugs.

[marnigal]

I'm so thankful for your 'real-ness' dema, it's what matters the most for me. A big turning point in my relationship with God a couple years ago was that this is the real deal ... the real mess, the real emotions, the real questions. No more pasting on that fake Christian smile or being a goody-goody.

My dad is a good man and does the best he knows how. He did better for us kids than he had growing up in his family when he grew up ... so I've always felt bad criticizing him. I don't like the idea of being that 40 year old blaming my parents for how rotten my adulthood is! And my feelings towards my dad are never something I'm going to try to resolve with him face-to-face so I've held back.

I don't mind sharing here, maybe my experience will be an encouragement to someone else.

By nature I am sensitive and operate more on a gut/instinct level. It's not till recently that I've realized that's how God made me and it is a strength, with gifts to offer others. But growing up, I never felt ok to be myself. My dad is a very aggressive man with what seems to me an unpredictable temper. He is about the 'black and white' of life, and I see the different shades of greys. He shamed me for being chubby in my early teens. He yelled and got very angry with me when I wanted to be a missionary (still feel this shame, like it was such a stupid idea for me to think that). Anytime I remember trying to open up about whatever I was thinking or feeling, he always misjudged me, put me on the defense, and bullied me into the corner. He has continued to do that even throughout my adulthood. I've always felt like he disapproves of me, that I'm always a disappointment to him. I just don't feel safe with him, and dread being alone in a room with him.

[dema]

Sounds like he has issues. My mother told me that my father yells at people when he's worried about them. That if he yells, he is worried.

In between, though, he would talk to me. And teach me sports or other things. He liked to teach me things.

If you dad skips the things that make you feel safe with him, and only relates to you when he is worried, then that could be the issue. Or it could be something completely different.

Anyway, the times you describe him yelling remind me of my dad. At one point he told me that I was eating as much as a full grown man. He was obviously struggling to not yell at the time. And the missionary thing would scare any dad.

Just thoughts. Many men feel like it is weakness to show emotion. Particularly older men. That was a common philosophy until the 70's. And old goats don't tend to change.

I hope you can mend fences with your father. I think he loves you and has been taught to feel ashamed of showing it.

(Just guessing.)

[marnigal]

That's a really good reminder. I get swept away with how scared I feel around him that I forget he has his own issues too. Anger is usually based on fear ... and he has a lot of perfectionist type issues, also based on shame/fear for him.

The hard part, though, is that as he ages he is mellowing out. I see him show affection to his grandkids all the time. He is very close with my younger siblings; he adores my sister-in-law. I've somehow been left in the dust, watching on. Part of it is proximity, I live the furthest away. But it is still painful.

I can't even begin to think of mending fences with him! Any time I've shared how I've truly felt/thought with him it has never ended well. Opening up to him is the last thing I ever want to do.

[dema]

Men tend to get overwhelmed with intimacy pretty easily. And your father has shown that he responds to what he cannot handle with anger or curtness - sharpness maybe. So, you wanting intimacy at a level that scares him is a danger zone.

If you have the opportunity to just ask him to go for a walk. Or to stay behind when you are visiting and everybody but him is going somewhere - you might get the opportunity for a non-threatening conversation.

Short phone calls might be good. If his tone changes, then you can "have to go".

But keep in mind that if you get too close, he feels challenged, and if he feels challenged, you will likely get hurt.

Something like taming a horse or a big dog.

God bless.