Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

After processing the steps of 3 and 4.... I had much peace. Thanks in part to those servants within this ministry that are kind enough to give wise counsel. Grace and Forgiveness are marvelous unspeakably wondrous gifts. I count deeply on the grace of my Lord to bring me through to the end of this life on earth and to a place where I YEARN to hear HIM say "well done.....". Step 5 however brings me back to sickening fear. My problem this moment is willful sin. Though to be honest, since step 3... I have not been with this man physically. Situations and interruptions have forestalled getting together. Perhaps that is GOD's grace... who can say.

I have however come to the point where I also yearn for this man's presence in my life. While he is not a Christian... he is committed to learning about Christ and worshiping and praying with me. At the time of this writing, the man is spending the night in the hospital with his elderly father who will undergo critical surgery tomorrow. I have prayed for them and asked a Christian friend to also pray for their peace and for them to know that this comes from Christ.

So my problem is that when I see him again.... I already know that I will sleep with him. I would be a liar to say otherwise. I am weak in this and therein lies willful sin. There is no way to sugarcoat it. I have tried. I am not ready to marry this man. I don't even know if I will stay in this country after next year. I stay with him because he nurtures me. He is kind and encouraging and has made me believe I am a worthy woman. Now I know that my hope is in Christ alone. I cannot put a man on the throne of my heart. and thanks to some of the comments.... I also know that the Christian walk is not necessarily a dull and empty drudgery....but why did GOD put this desire for a spouse in my heart? ANd if HE who knit me in the womb gave me this desire........ why oh somebody explain to me why..... even when I have done my best to remain righteous and chaste... why has HE with whom NOTHING is impossible... why did HE not give me a simple marriage to a simple Christian man without guilt or drama? is this a test? I fail. Repeatedly I fail. back to step #1.

Dear Wellswimmer,
I can hear your torment. I can SO RELATE to your situation. Honestly dear one, what comes across is your love for Jesus in the midst of your struggle. You want dearly to please Our Savior and yet at the same time you have no other option but to be and say what is true for you. In my opinion God is in the midst of such epic struggles. He respects our loyalty to Him but also understands the damage in our souls and how we may think our act as a result of that. Above all I believe He honors our honest struggles and seeking for truth and even our "failures."

From my experience only, I can say that after coming out of a lifeless, long term, mostly dead "but Christian" marriage I WAS STARVING ! I was starving for respect, love, affection, partnership and underneath it all I HAD A BIG WOUND. I had a wound from being in an unfulfilling relationship, BUT I also had my "life wounds" from all the areas I had never addressed - dad issues, mom issues, fears, anger, etc. What I found out was that I was deeply empty inside. While I (to this day) know that I loved "the person I met" when I separated and subsequently divorced, I know now that the power that propelled my affection towards her so strongly was based on how empty I felt. God knew I was wounded. He knew I had the same struggle as you. Keep drawing near to Him. He doesn't mind us wrestling with Him - Jacob did. I believe God appreciates our real emotions and thought in the midst of our spiritual relationship. Trying "to do the right thing" all the time can very much end up like "doing religion" to me. Besides, I CAN'T do the right thing all the time, can you ?

How bout we start by just agreeing with God how powerless we actually are ? Not just about our relationships, but about many of our circumstances, our wounds, our attitudes, our wrong decisions, our sin. He died for all of this in our lives ! Praise the Lord we have such a Savior. Please don't misinterpret my msg her as license to sin. God will help you and me and all of us see our sin correctly the more we continue to earnestly seek Him. He says "Draw near to me and I will draw near to you." "ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". He says "Confess your sin to one another and you will be healed" He says to "WORK OUT our salvation. You are "working out" your salvation. May God continue to shine His light upon your Heart.

In Jesus Name
Jamie

Hello Wellswimmer

God bless you this day.

You entitled your post:
"Only I am to blame"
Yet, the stepping stone clearly says that Satan is the source, therefore, he is to blame.

You went on further to say:

My problem this moment is willful sin

.

Not to be knit-picky here, but, I think you are still missing a very important understanding of the lesson. What led you to sin...what within you was tempted that you then acted upon?

Wellswimmer, I don't expect you to reveal anymore than you feel comfortable with, and the stepping stone does not require that we name (or does not require we list for others to view), per say, where are greatest weaknesses lie, but, I do think it important that you re-think your answer here -- for your benefit, and surely not for my approval. (((hugs)))

Even though you have stated that your friend is not a Christian, he is still one of God's creation whom The Lord loves and whom may still accept Christ Jesus as Saviour in the future.

Remember within the stepping stone when it said:

"Anyone who has a problem, affects those who love them in one way or another. Your choice not to pull the weed that caused your problem when you first recognized it, allowed it to grow, and seeds from that weed have blown into others’ gardens too. Sooooo, part of your problem is a weed called... "

Do you remember what the name of that weed is called?

Wellswimmer, I do not want you to mistaken my intent here. I know it may appear that I'm beating up on you a bit, but, I truly don't want to harm you in any way. I do, however, want to encourage you to re-examine the lesson's teaching so you can benefit from the Truth(s) shared within this very important stepping stone.

Within each and everyone of us grows nasty weeds from the world's teachings, from our own sinful natures, and the source remains the same -- Satan.
To quote a line from a movie: "God loves you the way you are, but He loves you too much to leave you that way."
I love that line, and I love the truth in it. God does love us completely, and He is forever working within us to rid of the sin that so easily besets us.

We often build walls around areas of our mind, heart and life -- taking on the "avoidance" process so as not to be tempted. Yet, we all have evil plants in our gardens, planted without our knowledge and they have grown in the darkness, undetected by us. God, however, is All-knowing, and He is Good to shine His Light on those weeds.

Example: Some people totally avoid other people because they do not want to be tempted, or they do not want to run the risk of offending another. Well, that isn't dealing with the problem, it's just avoiding it. God wants to be able to use His children for His purpose. The cleansing, sanctification process is good because God is Good!

God loves you, Wellswimmer. He loves you! Greater is He (God) that is within you than he (Satan) that is in the world. Trust that The Lord is making the necessary changes within you.

Prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Wellswimmer.
Love,
Sister Mack

To Sister Mack and Jamie, THANK YOU and BLESSINGS many for truly loving and kind responses to my struggle. You have responded with the Word and with GOD's love. Both are what I need right now. Jamie.. I have not yet gone back over the lesson, but I will relate... I was adopted and though I was deeply loved and brought to Christ through my parent's lives... the seed of ... I suppose "otherness" and abandonment were probably weeds that managed to make their way into what otherwise was a providential and protective garden. Perhaps I have always really just looked to belong. I dont' feel I belong in church proper, though the Church of Jesus Christ most certainly has embraced me. My parents had a good marriage... very affectionate and not ashamed of their relationships in terms of sex. They didn't flaunt that but it was quietly and in a proper manner evident. My father loved my mother and my mother loved my father. Even as a child I dreamt of marrying the man of my dreams. THe man God had in mind for me. But my rebellion and stupidity clearly interrupted any blessing in that arena GOD may have planned. I just realized this simple thank you and response turned into another journal about me. OK...I move forward to step 6 after re-visiting step 5. Thank you.