Stepping Stone Two
Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:26 pmOk, so now I am at the garden gate. I am seeing that there are alot of lies that I have believed about myself for a long time. I know that these are lies but I am afraid to let them go because this is all I have known. Honestly, I was debating to even do the step for today. I am very tired and dont want to even bother but I made myself do it anyways. I am scrolling through the lesson from top to bottom and am going to record my thoughts of what I thought tonight. First off, in the first stepping stone, it said that I am meeting someone that was not going to push me into a relationship and in this one they are calling me "my friend." I am guessing this is God. Well, I am not sure we are friends. I know God, I believe in God, I was saved at age 6, BUT I do not consider God a friend. Ok, now it is talking about my mind being the garden. I am very well aware that renewing the mind is good and biblical. I went to a treatment center for girls struggling with life challenging issues. It was faith based, but I seriously felt like God was pushed on me. I am aware that problems do not pop up out of no where and I know for a fact they do not disappear overnight. I also know that symptoms can be addressed but the root of the problem never solved which still causes pain. I seen a list that said reasons we hold onto our problems are for attention, addiction, selfishness, weakness, or many other reasons. For me the things I am holding onto are for a variety of reasons... addiction, weakness, anger, pain, misunderstood feelings, numb, lost.. those are what I can name off of the top of my head. Now, I am suppose to identify any and all the problems if I can. Ok, all I have to say is if I am judged by what I post I will not post another thing here but here goes. sexual abuse from 4 people (great uncle,brother,cousin,brother's friend), physical abuse (mom, dad, 3 brothers, several cousins, myself, ex boyfriend), emotional/mental abuse (so many people I cant even name them all), a miscarriage, eating issues, self harm, self hate, suicidal tendancies and attempts in the past, abandonment issues from when I was a child, sexual relationships outside of wedlock, reciently more and more exploration with alcohol. That is all I can think of right now. I feel very vunerable right now so Im going to look at what is next on this study that sticks out in my head as i scroll through the stepping stone lesson. So what sticks out to me majorly is that it says the source of my problems is not me. I will say right now, I dont believe that one bit. I believe I am the source of my problem and that is that, but hey I will go with it to see what will happen. I know that once I get these lies about what I believe out I need to replace them with truth and that I need to go back alot to reweed/take lies out so that I can live a productive and "happy" life. So, I am guessing this is where I should probally get my bible off the shelf and dust it off and use it. Ok so where do I start? I dont know so it is still on the shelf. I see that I am suppose to follow the stepping stones every day for 14 days. Ok. This is what I need to do then lets do it. Miracles sometimes happen overnight but Im not expecting this one to. I know that things sometimes take awhile to fashion into place. Doubt is the opposite of faith. well that explains alot why I have not had a miracle in my life. I doubt all the time. So, I have to believe in what I want not what I dont want. That sounds very tricky to do. How long has it taken me to turn to God for help? Well, I have turned to Him and didnt get an answer before so I decided I would try to find it myself. Ha, well I see where I am now. I guess maybe I should be more patient with Him after all he is waiting for me... supposably for me to come back to Him. Ok, I will try to give it a little more effort, even though I honestly feel like I am putting everything I am out here now. What is there to lose except my problems.... I heard that somewhere and thought it was awesome. HERE GOES!