I hate the man I love
Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:19 amI met David when I was 19. He was 31 at the time, a father of two, an ex-husband, and a husband. I knew I loved him from the moment I saw him and thought that I would never have him. I knew he was married and much older than I was, but I dated him anyway. Years later I was saved and ended the relationship because I knew it was wrong and the guilt was eating me alive. He never wanted to let me go and I was always too weak and frankly too stupid to just stay away from him. I saw him again about 6 months after I had been saved and back-slid. Instead of confronting him and the situation, I moved to Germany a couple years later to start anew. By this time, his divorce was finalized and he ended up moving to Germany as well. We rekindled our broken relationship, but shortly thereafter I had learned that he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
I thought David adored me and would never hurt me. He had boasted about sleeping with many of our friends and gave details about his experiences with them. When confronted he denied it and said he was so hurt that I left, he made it up to have the upper hand. He had been sleeping with his ex-wife as well and in her eyes trying to rekindle their marriage. He later admitted to it when I showed him the text messages she had been sending him. I do love him and he is good to me, but I also resent him because he never paid for what he did to anybody. I felt more badly for him than I did myself. I decided to forgive him and stay because I was not perfect either and Jesus had forgiven me. I don’t want justice because I would never want to hurt him, so I bottle all of my resentment up and try to forgive. To this day I hold our past against him because I didn’t deserve what he did to me and he got away with it without punishment. To this day, the girls he gave such vivid details about do not know what he was saying about them and they are still friends.
Things got better with time. We opened our communication, aired everything out, and started going to church. He was saved also and started treating me so much better. He turned his life completely around while I sank further and further into depression, self-pity, anger, and everything else that comes with being resentful. Yet and still, when I would cry he would comfort me; when I would get mad he just took it. In his eyes he deserved it.
We recently met each other’s families. I was finally able to meet his kids and parents and introduce him to mine. I had waited 6 years for the opportunity and didn’t even get excited about it. My family loves him and there is all this talk about marriage, but I do not want to marry him. I feel like I’m drowning in a situation I have no control and everybody is happy, but me. I guess the worst part of all this is that I messed up first. I sinned first as an adulterer and am still paying for it seven years later. I don’t know why I can’t just walk away, but I know it has something to do with ownership. We have held on to each other for so long and through the very worst of life experiences and now that he is finally the man I had always known he could be, I am not happy.
I don’t quite know what my expectations are of your program or why I sought help, but I do feel like I am slowly shutting my family and closest friends out, to include David. I am in a place where nobody can reach me or help me out.
I thought David adored me and would never hurt me. He had boasted about sleeping with many of our friends and gave details about his experiences with them. When confronted he denied it and said he was so hurt that I left, he made it up to have the upper hand. He had been sleeping with his ex-wife as well and in her eyes trying to rekindle their marriage. He later admitted to it when I showed him the text messages she had been sending him. I do love him and he is good to me, but I also resent him because he never paid for what he did to anybody. I felt more badly for him than I did myself. I decided to forgive him and stay because I was not perfect either and Jesus had forgiven me. I don’t want justice because I would never want to hurt him, so I bottle all of my resentment up and try to forgive. To this day I hold our past against him because I didn’t deserve what he did to me and he got away with it without punishment. To this day, the girls he gave such vivid details about do not know what he was saying about them and they are still friends.
Things got better with time. We opened our communication, aired everything out, and started going to church. He was saved also and started treating me so much better. He turned his life completely around while I sank further and further into depression, self-pity, anger, and everything else that comes with being resentful. Yet and still, when I would cry he would comfort me; when I would get mad he just took it. In his eyes he deserved it.
We recently met each other’s families. I was finally able to meet his kids and parents and introduce him to mine. I had waited 6 years for the opportunity and didn’t even get excited about it. My family loves him and there is all this talk about marriage, but I do not want to marry him. I feel like I’m drowning in a situation I have no control and everybody is happy, but me. I guess the worst part of all this is that I messed up first. I sinned first as an adulterer and am still paying for it seven years later. I don’t know why I can’t just walk away, but I know it has something to do with ownership. We have held on to each other for so long and through the very worst of life experiences and now that he is finally the man I had always known he could be, I am not happy.
I don’t quite know what my expectations are of your program or why I sought help, but I do feel like I am slowly shutting my family and closest friends out, to include David. I am in a place where nobody can reach me or help me out.
