avoiding change
Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:44 pmchange is inevitable, unfortunately. I wish it wasn't, but we cant avoid it, and we cant prevent it, all we can do is roll with the punches and pray that we come out of it somewhat sane.
some of you (not very many of you) may know the changes that I've been through recently, and I know you guys are proud of me for it, and I'm not sure if you'd be interested in what I have from here on out but I'm not gonna hinder you from reading this although you guys probably already know this, im gonna tell you guys that dont know much about my past somethings that I know you dont wanna hear, or somethings that you would never even think would be a part of my life. and posting this here is gonna be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do because I dont know whats going to happen once I let it out, but no matter what happens, change is inevitable and I know that I can go to god and lean on him when things change and when I come through it Ill be even stronger for it even if I may have less friends for it or I get poked fun at for the rest of my life, so here goes.....
I know that with some of you I joke about being emo and I laugh about the stereo typed emo cutter, but truth be told, I may not be emo, but I am a recovering cutter/self injurer, and up until I was 17, almost 18, I didn't even think twice about it because it was what I needed to make it through the day. it was how I lived, and how I defined myself, I labelled my self a failure because what I did couldn't possibly be forgivable, and I rationalized in my head as something that I NEEDED, not just something that I wanted.if I went through the day with out cutting, or burning, or causing some kind of physical pain to myself I could not and would not function.
april 9the, 2007, was the last time I caused myself physical harm. I changed. not because I got busted but because for almost a year god was speaking to my heart and changing me from the inside out, and I had already decided in my heart to change before Id gotten busted by my parents. I know how corny that sounds to you guys that aren't christian, but Iim telling you that god put people, and situations into, and out of, my life and I couldn't get through it by myself by hurting myself, and so I began a change, and I found out the hard way that there is no easy way to go through the change, I couldn't go over it, or around, there was no possible way of avoiding it, I had to go straight through it.
Iim still changing, everyday I try and make a new change in my life. but sometimes there are things that change that i dent want to, small situations that shouldn't bother me as much, but they do. for example, today is the last time I will probably ever see my youth pastor because he is moving to another state. thats a big change for me and to be honest I dont like it to much because it feels like Im loosing a big part of my life. a year ago I would have come home and cut my wrists to ribbons over it. but tonight Im not going to, Im gonna pray instead.
Im not gonna lie and say I never think about it, because I do, I think about it a lot, and everyday is a battle for me, but its one battle that I refuse to lose, I refuse to let it take control of me again, and I refuse to let the things that change in my life get the better of me, because I know they were put there to change me for the better not the worse.
and the same goes for all the situations in your life. whether it be good or bad, big, or small it was put there to change you, and you have 2 options when you are faced with them. you can change for the better, or you can change for the worse, its your choice, and the only person that can make it for you is you, but either way you cant avoid the change.
some of you (not very many of you) may know the changes that I've been through recently, and I know you guys are proud of me for it, and I'm not sure if you'd be interested in what I have from here on out but I'm not gonna hinder you from reading this although you guys probably already know this, im gonna tell you guys that dont know much about my past somethings that I know you dont wanna hear, or somethings that you would never even think would be a part of my life. and posting this here is gonna be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do because I dont know whats going to happen once I let it out, but no matter what happens, change is inevitable and I know that I can go to god and lean on him when things change and when I come through it Ill be even stronger for it even if I may have less friends for it or I get poked fun at for the rest of my life, so here goes.....
I know that with some of you I joke about being emo and I laugh about the stereo typed emo cutter, but truth be told, I may not be emo, but I am a recovering cutter/self injurer, and up until I was 17, almost 18, I didn't even think twice about it because it was what I needed to make it through the day. it was how I lived, and how I defined myself, I labelled my self a failure because what I did couldn't possibly be forgivable, and I rationalized in my head as something that I NEEDED, not just something that I wanted.if I went through the day with out cutting, or burning, or causing some kind of physical pain to myself I could not and would not function.
april 9the, 2007, was the last time I caused myself physical harm. I changed. not because I got busted but because for almost a year god was speaking to my heart and changing me from the inside out, and I had already decided in my heart to change before Id gotten busted by my parents. I know how corny that sounds to you guys that aren't christian, but Iim telling you that god put people, and situations into, and out of, my life and I couldn't get through it by myself by hurting myself, and so I began a change, and I found out the hard way that there is no easy way to go through the change, I couldn't go over it, or around, there was no possible way of avoiding it, I had to go straight through it.
Iim still changing, everyday I try and make a new change in my life. but sometimes there are things that change that i dent want to, small situations that shouldn't bother me as much, but they do. for example, today is the last time I will probably ever see my youth pastor because he is moving to another state. thats a big change for me and to be honest I dont like it to much because it feels like Im loosing a big part of my life. a year ago I would have come home and cut my wrists to ribbons over it. but tonight Im not going to, Im gonna pray instead.
Im not gonna lie and say I never think about it, because I do, I think about it a lot, and everyday is a battle for me, but its one battle that I refuse to lose, I refuse to let it take control of me again, and I refuse to let the things that change in my life get the better of me, because I know they were put there to change me for the better not the worse.
and the same goes for all the situations in your life. whether it be good or bad, big, or small it was put there to change you, and you have 2 options when you are faced with them. you can change for the better, or you can change for the worse, its your choice, and the only person that can make it for you is you, but either way you cant avoid the change.
