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I'm starting my journaling today. I have so much to say but I'll start with what has me upset recently and my struggle today. My mother has recently well a year and a half now has been living with me she is not an invalid she has had minor health problems and began being fearful at night. She had been living in another state where my younger brother lives. But did not feel comfortable living with him and his family. She has property there still and has a steady and hefty income. But could not find anyone to stay with her. We tried but she dose not always get along well with others.
This past year and a half has been very difficult for me. My mother was not a very loving mom in fact she was verbally and physically abusive to me and my brother who is a year younger than me she also had a husband who was sexually abusive to us. My brother at this time has chosen not to have a relationship with her. We also have a younger brother who was fathered by our abuser. His upbringing was totally the opposite of ours our mother was very loving toward him we all were. We have a decent relationship with no issues that I'm aware of. I have been struggling something terrible with the past ever since my mom has come to stay with us. When I look back now I can't believe I actually thought I could do this. She complains about everything and nothing is ever good enough. But yet she tells her friends and my brother on the phone how great she is being treated and how good my kids and husband are to her. But my mom has always been like that. She was always afraid of what people would think and did things for appearance sakes. I thought I was we'll over everything and made my peace. But I keep getting these flashbacks of all the horrid things she did to me and my brother and now I just want her out of my home she has tried to cause problems between me and my husband and has tried to turn my children against me by being deceptive and manipulative. I praise The Lord my children and husband love The Lord and know how she is. They accept her because they love me and respect my decision to have her here. But now I'm questioning my own self. It hurts to much to have her here. I want to do what's right but I don't know what that is anymore. I'm seeking Gods wisdom and guidance. I've been kind and loving but on the inside I just want to say awful things to her. Pray I just want to do what's right.

Me,
I will pray for God's will to be done.
it sounds as if she might be a little spoiled and used to having life her own way.
I don't know the whole story but tough love comes in at times.
Thanks for sharing and I'll pray for you in a few minutes.

In Christ,

Real............

Me,
After a few moments with HIM, it occurred to me that you stated she had a hefty income. Could she not buy a house a few miles down the road and hire a sitter or helper; knowing she still would be close to you?
The hard part is this............ Be honest and tell her the truth in a loving way about you have a family and ............so on. Expect the tears and the guilt she will throw your way. She can't take the money with her and she shouldn't tare your family apart.
Easier said than done eh?
You will get better feed back than I have shared I'm sure.
I too have a soft place in my heart.
God will show you!

GBU

Real

Thank you so much for your prayers. I honestly felt a new inner strength that God gave me. I have a two story home and my mother has problems going up and down the stairs. All the bedrooms are up stairs. So my mom stays in her room all the time she never comes down to eat. we take all her meals up to her. I'll come back to that later. I have felt inside as though I've been tourchard by awful memories of a monster of a mother. I have thought in my head a million things to say to her about so many awful things.(we have had words few words but words in fact 3 different times that this has been discussed in 50 years. But never any closure. I have written letters to her in the past and so has my brother. So I know she knows we remember things and how we feel. Before comming here to stay with me we had words she was being difficult about her care. And I was having to travel back and forth 6 hours to take her to doctors appointments. I'm the oldest, so my youngest brother and myself decided she had to come stay with me it was to hard for me. And I had just been diagnosed with narcolepsy. For years I had problems just falling asleep all over the place. When I was a child I fell asleep in school all the time the nuns always said was lazy. For years I struggled as a mother. But God was always so good. I have a wonderful husband and children and the best long time girlfriend. But when I was diagnosed we also discovered that.the reason for my narcolepsy was because when I was sexually abused I use to pretend to be asleep and close my eyes. All my life I have only allowed myself to remember so far into my abuse and then I turn it off. I don't want to go there! So what happens any time I have stress my body goes into sleep mode. You don't know how happy I was that there was a reason why I had been living like this and they could help me. My mom knows about the narcolepsy but not the reason. I couldn't tell her. I don't know if its because I'm a mom or because I'm afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop confronting her and I crush her with my words. She is 76 what purpose would that serve. But yet inside it was distroying me. All that to say today when I took my mother her food. I looked at her and when I saw her I didn't see her I saw a tiny woman frail sitting in chair watching tv with no power. When I went in all I could feel was Gods love wrapped around me. I don't know where God is going with this. But today he gave me a new strength. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Me ,
I am very glad you felt the love of God's arms wrapped around you as you saw your mom.
I did not know the whole story but now I do, yet I prayed as I said I would.
Continue to take these steps and may you find healing as you take each step.

Last night at my mom's surprise birthday party (70), I too seen a frail woman even though she is in fairly good health.
Still wears Mary Kay makeup and presents herself well, yet humble and grateful.
I thought of you and said to myself, " She would be at my house too".

One last thing...........Welcome to Oasis!

In Christ's Love,
Real

Hello Me,

Praise God, He is so good! Thank you for sharing your journal with us. I can't imagine what you're going through but I am so joyed that God gave you His eyes for that moment with your mom in her room. That touched me deeply and made me tear up! I love seeing and hearing about the power of the Holy Spirit.

I too was sexually abused so I know how hard it is to start unlocking doors and venturing into the unknown. The best thing is, you are allowing God's guiding Light to help you. Take it slow, one baby step at a time, and go easy on yourself, when things get too overwhelming, stop, and go back at it another time with a renewed mind and His renewing of strength.

I pray God continues to give you His divine strength and power as He restores your soul.

I leave you with the words of David in Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

This beautiful psalm goes to show us that God is our shepherd/protector/watchman. He doesn't leave us wanting/wishing/needy/craving/deficient. Did you know that sheep will only lie down when they are free from fear? In Him we are free from fear and He leads us to still waters/peace/rest/tranquility/calm opposite of rushing raging river/turbulence/commotion. And He is restoring our souls back to Him, making them new again through His protection/provisions/peace and rest. I pray goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life and that you will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, Amen.

In Christ,
Shan

I just finished my journaling and hit save draft and lost it don't know if I have time to post again. Thank you all for all the encouragement!

These last two days I have felt a wonderful peace. I now know I have to talk to my mothers about the abuse. A part of me has not wanted to tell her because I felt it would be to hurtful for her. But I realize that my place is not to shield her form the truth. I was the child she was the adult. When I get to heaven I don't have to answer to God for the abuse. But my mother has to answer to God for her responsibility as a parent. My mother needs to deal with the truth and have the opportunity to make things right. There is another part of me that dose not want my mother to have access to that personal space where she may be able to hurt me. To give her access to my inner feelings and be fully open with my heart. But I know now I was giving her to much power over my mind. I only want God to have that kind of power. I know I have to trust God to take care of the out come. I did think I had dealt with all this so long ago. But realizing even though the abuse had stopped I'm still living with the consequences of it today (narcolepsy) I believe it made me angry at my mother and brought back all kinds of memories I had put away. Pray I find the right time. I know now God is preparing me for this conversation. I feel I'm ready to let go and let God.

Amen.

I know how difficult it is to let go and let God. I pray that you are given the right guidance to say the right words to your mom. She may need to know about the reason why for your narcolpsy. This may encourage her to do what is right. I would only hope she had some motherly insticts, or have learned from her own mistakes from raising you. I pray God guides you into what is His Will. Blessed be to God and the Glory of all good and bad be to Him!

~Bristollayne