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If I'd had any way of knowing that things were, as my best friend once said, going to get a whole lot worse before they got worse, I'm not sure how well I will have a good sleep tonight. I had made a decision to move on, I thought the worst of it was over. This only shows how little did I know about break up. How could anyone swiftly went from being the people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of the most mutually incomprehensible strangers who ever lived? At the bottom of that strangeness was the abysmal fact that we has been both doing something the other person would never have conceived possible; she never dreamed I would actually leave her, and she never in her wildest imagination thought that she would make it so difficult for me to go. I thought I had fallen to bits before, but no (in harmony with the apparent collapse of the world) my life really turned to smash. I am despondent and dependent on Jesus, needing more care than a premature infant. Tonight, I've done the best I could and I am proud of myself. There is nothing that I can do. I'm in physical pain and emotionally drained from whatever happened. I'm done. There is no turning back.

I am consumed with all the emotions; anger, anxiety, resentment, grief, and fear. I sent her so many messages and trying to get an upper hand. I took revenge. I couldn't stop myself from doing that. I feel like she's full of herself and I should tell her what she really is. I wanted her to feel bad. I know that without her, I'm way happier and I am. And her life is miserable as it is. I don't know I have to tell that to her again, except I just wanted to revenge.

I think I should ponder on the fact that God wants me to forgive and forget, and leave all these negative emotions in His hands. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Hey James,

I've been reading your posts and just wanted to tell you to keep at it and thank you for sharing your pain with us. It's not easy getting on here and telling people your story so I encourage you to continue if God leads you. I'm praying for you to know His Love, how deep and far and wide and big His love is for you. For you to know His Great Mercy and His Word which is Truth. He is ENOUGH, for you and all of us. Amen.

When reading this post I can feel your anguish brother over your inability right now to forgive your ex and I'm reminded of something C.S. Lewis once said. This is from an excerpt from book: 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis ...

The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked – the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’

Until you come to the point he's talking about it's going to be extremely hard or impossible for you to forgive her...I'm no theologian or bible scholar just a woman who's been through alot and done alot and seen way too much in the thirty years I've been here and this is what I've come to realize...YOU can't forgive her James but Christ in YOU can. What I love so much about that is HE came down to our level as a human when He didn't have to. He showed us that He can and will for US. Christ will forgive her for you James, just ask him, everyday, until you feel it in your soul that she's forgiven. It may take months or years but don't ever give up!

In Christ,
Shan

Thank you. I get mad everytime she contact me. I don't understand why she has to do that? After a few GO AWAY text, I would calm down and tell her gently that I really don't want anything to do with her. It's too hard to even think about her. I truly concerns about her, but I know that she isn't in my hands. I think that's why I have to shut her off. I'm totally confused right now. LOL! All I know is there is no going back.