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I don't think it's appropriate for me to discuss the issue. Nor it will be impossible to ask anyone to believe that I am capable to tell the unbiased version of what happened, and therefore the details of this chronicle will remain untold.

I discovered her lies
I went through a lot of her infidelity charades and even met with those who slept with her and listened to all the details
I have lost everything I have, including myself

On my part, I fell in love fast and without measuring the risk. I wasn't only saw the best in the person, but assumed that the person is emotionally capable of reaching the highest potential. I hung on to the relationship for a long time, too long, waiting for it to ascend to its own growth. I think I am a victim of my own romance and optimism. In desperate love, I invented the character of the ideal love, demanding her to be what I need of her, and then I felt devastated when she refused to perform the role I created in the first place. I put her before God and even rejected Him so many time.

When I first met her, I thought she was like me but a lot more damaged. So I gave a vow to myself that I would love this woman and make her feels love. Yet, a sense of possession and lust moved in. We slept with each other before marriage. I even found an excuse for myself that we are going to be married anyway. Every time when she did something, I would just blamed myself and kept on going. I gave her everything I had and now I am ended up in her country with almost nothing.

I feel so used, rejected, insecured more than ever, and the most important of all unloved and betrayed. I am angry. Since I came here, I've discovered the worst of the worst. I tried to kill myself, locked her with me so we can talk, begged her, and even laid a hand on her in one occasion. I am ashamed of myself and how I let the lowest of me got over me. I wish that she would forgive me for all the bad things I've done to her, including all the things I kept on reciting all the things she did, criticism, and so much more. And I hope that I will be able to forgive and forget everything she did, too. I'm still haunt by all the lies and all the imagination of what happened.

I'm struggling with my walk. I want to know how to feel loved from God. I grew up in a broken home. I didn't get shower by love by my parents when I was young. When I grew up, I seek that love from my spouse. I got married so young and still didn't know how to love. This relationship was something to redeemed whatever happened, but it ended up like this. There is no way that she can be loyal. My experience has told me that. So it's alright. But I'm still very hurt. I really need the love from God. It's easy for me preach right from the theology I know or how I can come with words, but I felt like I was lying every time when I was up there; preaching. I didn't know what is that divine love feels like. I don't have all the fruit of the spirit. I started smoking and drinking since I came here. I chose an easy way out instead of the narrow road. Yet, I keep on saying to my congregation to follow the faithful fews who have finished strong before you.

SO basically, I really need to feel God love and healing; to hear His voice (literary). I need to forget whatever happened and move on. I don't want to replace these void and negative feelings with another flings and/or addictions. I know that I'm a sinner.

I hope somebody has PM'd you. There is so much in your message. You have a lot of self-awareness. And yet I don't think you've really dealt with your original pain. We cannot just stuff down the pain and anger and say, "Oh God take these." and they are gone. That is like having the bone sticking out of your arm and saying, "Oh God heal this" and expecting to go back to work using both arms the next day. It just isn't that way. Yes, you will need for God to lead you in healing. A vital step will be letting go and letting God. But first you need to face the original hurt.

I wonder if you are safe - if you have a place to eat, work and live. I hope so. I don't know how to help you with that except to pray for you.

You realize that you weren't loved properly as a child and that it is difficult to realize how much God loves you. It isn't surprising that it is difficult when you haven't been taught about love. Starting where things first went wrong is the best way, I believe to healing.

God bless.

The Lord has been very gracious to me when it comes to finance and some other stuff (unless I overspent on something else). So in those kinda areas, I'm set.

I'm still struggling with negative thoughts; I keep on reliving all the moment in the relationship and most of them were really bad, and now I feel so rejected that I have to fight the urge to replace that with a rebound (which is not hard to find). The temptation to drink & smoke, date around, or even losing sync of the Holy Spirit is really plaguing me. I might not be able to preach or lead at the church for awhile. This is a very big hit for me. Like the way that she reacted is the worst of the worst. I never thought I would ever seen someone whom I adored so much, despite the reality, would do such a thing.

Thank you, Dema, for your encouragement and guidance. I know that this insecurity or the extremely long for relationship will never go away unless I can feel His love. I'm trying to be joyful in obedience and hold on to His promises. But my worst enemy is myself. I need someone to be with me or talk to most of the time. It has always been a big flaws of my life. I just can't be alone.

Please, really pray for me. I'll move on to Step 2 now.

Hi James,

I will be praying for God's will to be done in your life. These steps are a very good start to finding some answers, I hope you stick with em'.

I can relate with you about seeking the love you didn't recieve as a child somewhere else other than God. I know what it's like to be afraid of being alone with yourself! To want someone to be with and talk to all the time. It's like a drug, I get it. When we look at the story of Jesus spending forty days in the wilderness alone it gives us courage and hope. And all the time He went off by himself. We need time to be "alone" but if we are saved then that time "alone" is a blessing from God to get closer to Him, to fill us with more of Him, His Holy Spirit and less of ourselves. Never forget that Jesus not only died to save us from our sins but to SAVE US FROM OURSELVES. As believer's we are never alone we just gotta "believe and recieve".

Brother don't give in to that temptation to fill that void with something counterfeit that only God can fill. Let Him be to you what no one or nothing else can and when the time is right if it's God's will you'll be able to have a godly relationship with a woman, not some void looking to be filled. I get it, I know, cause I did that exact thing. You gotta get at the heart of the problem, go back to your childhood but don't do it alone, do it with your Savior, pour it out to Him. If you have a friend who can help hold you accountable that would be good too during this time.

I pray for God's divine wisdom, strength and power to be given to you through the Holy Spirit while you walk down this road.

In Christ,
Shan