Opening my heart
Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 2:34 pmIt has been a long time since I have been on this site and right now I am going through a lot spiritually, emotionally, and physically that I know only GOD can help me with. For some reason things have gotten so crazy that I don't even know how to talk to him anymore, which is absolutely nuts considering he has definitely gotten me out of worse situations. I am ready to change this life has worn me down so much in the 29 years that I have been on this earth that I have become angry and bitter and that isn't who I am.
Where to begin, lets see I grew up in not the best of situations dad was a herion addict parents eventually divorced but not before my father stole everything we had and made my mom lose her job needless to say we were homeless for awhile and I went hungry may nights and it wasn't lack of trying on my moms part she worked 2 to 3 jobs to get us back on our feet. Eventually she remarried being a Christian woman she always saw the best in people she would give her last to a stranger and cared for everyone even people who hurt her. Later we found out second husband is on crack after he moves us to a strange place again we end up homeless but at least this time we have the car. GOD made away we got our own place and I finished high school and started college in this midst of this changed from being all about GOD to a teenager who smoked weed and cigarettes and clubbed 5 nights a week still working and going to school though.Eventually I joined the airforce was sworn in and all met a guy from the navy fell in lust and thought it was love quite school cause that is what he wanted and moved all over the place with him at one point he decided he wanted to go awall but he didn't want me to go with him so I did what any ignorant teenage girl who though she was in love would do, I lied. Told him I was pregnant truth was I was late but the test came back negative eventually my period started I told him I had a miscarriage and he stayed. Eventually in the midst of his discharge from the navy he decided I shouldn't go to the airforce so I blew off basic, by this time the party me had stopped. Eventually we ended up living in our car and then staying with some friends of mine until he decided he wanted to go back home. I was still very blind and thought we were in love so I went with him 4 years later we are arguing all the time he is choking me when he gets mad keeping me away from my friends and family. I want to leave but Im planning our wedding I dont know what to do, as soon as I made up my mind to leave I get pregnant, I dont want my child growing up without a dad so I stay he pushes me around chokes me while I pregnant Im finding presents he is buying for females he isnt coming home some nights, I get put on bed rest because of the stress and now I have placenta privia. I have my son we get married and it looks like things are going to get better for awhile and then the arguing starts back up finally I go back home for my moms wedding and decided I wanted to stay I talk to him about moving were I was because then I would have help with my son and I can finish school. He said no and I stayed anyway after 4 months he started making me feel guilty one of his friends died so I let him take our son for 2 weeks who was 8 months old now after the first few days of him having our son we talked and I decided to go back. After returning home to find that some female had been living in my house with her son and that him and his friends had been partying in the house used condoms on the floor the house a disaster. The arguing started right away those were the conditions my son was in, I left for two weeks to cool off and went back eventually things got worse and worse then our house burned down while he went on a trip to be with some chick and my son and I were left home. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and my son and I almost lost our lives by the grace of GOD we made it out.
We got a new house through a friend of his which later I found out was another female he was seeing, and one night he decided to let my 1 year old son watch cartoon porn so he could play video games uninterupted. I yelled at him and at that time he decided pushing and shoving and choking me wasn't enough. He blacked my eye and bruised my ribs by punching me in the face and kicking I met someone on this site at that time who helped me get away that night me and my son.
I eventually ended up back home with my mom and friends got a job got my own place worked 2 jobs and finished college and then he decided to come back I just didn't want my son to grow up without his dad and at this point my son is walking around calling every man thats around a lot dad and I thought maybe he changed its been over a year so I went back and his broken promises and fake attitude quickly changed when all of his dirt started coming to light. A game system I bought him for Christmas when we supposedly were reconciling he had been using it to recording females without there knowledge that he was having intercourse with and it was all right in my face. Before I went back this time I had really started praying and getting back to the word something that I had been doing off and on since I had given birth to my son. I found a church and a bible study group so I went to my pastor and told him everything and he reassured me that GOD would not stop loving me if I was to divorce him but he said he would try counseling us first at the counseling session he sat there and said nothing finally I had enough I wanted out, we then got into another altercation when the pastor left which resulted in my open getting cut open I and my son stayed in a shelter a few days then we went back so that I could get things in order to live at this time he let everything get cut off some days I starved so my son could eat he let my sons miniature daushaund starve to death the electricity got turned off for awhile I lost the job I had and the last bit of money I had he took to go see some girl on my birthday. My mom eventually sent my uncle to come get me and my son and all of our belongings, and I left.
Life got better I got my CNA license and still continued college to recieve my law degree, and because I was always so busy a friend talked me into joining a dating site after being single and lonely for 2 years. I eventually met someone on one of the sites we talked for months through email and phone because of my son I wouldn't allow him to come to were I lived he lived an hour and a half away so I went to see him we instantly connected and continued to stay in contact a few more months went by and finally I let him meet my son and they hit it off. After a awhile we decided he lived to far and he should move in but before he moved in I told him about my faith in GOD and told him that if he couldn't deal with it he shouldn't move in and he still wanted to stay. eventually we found a church together we prayed as a family everyday we studied the bible we never missed service I got pregnant and my pastor approached us and said that we either needed to get married or split up because we weren't living right, I didn't want to get married although I did love this guy but I still had scares. Of course he asked me to marry him anyway and I said yes. A few weeks later I lost the baby so I called off the wedding and tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave. We decided not to sleep with each other again until we were married we did have a slip up but we pretty much kept it up. finally we got married and i found out I was pregnant again and again I miscarried at this point my Dr asked me to try and not get pregnant until he could have some test done so we made a mutual decision to be careful so I wouldn't get pregnant again. With each child I lost it seemed as if my heart broke more. About two months later I found out again Im pregnant but this time I go full term and my baby girl is perfectly healthy. And until this we have been deligent with church we didnt allow our jobs or anything else get in the way of us praying together but now we work opposite schedules he works overnight I work both overnight and days overnights on his days off and days when he is home. I am also finishing up my last 3 semesters in school and preparing for law school and the bar exam. In all of this we began to argue, Ive gained weight and feel unattractive we don't spend time together and he spends most of his time sleep. Even when I try to spend time with him he just sleeps and Ive given up on us. We don't go to church any more and its hard because I work full time go to school full time and take care of the kids clean the house and he has become uninvolved. When we argue for 2 weeks after the argument he gets more involved we start praying together things get better then after a while slowly but surely it goes back to the way it was. So Ive become fed up and have decided we should separate and maybe just maybe I can concentrate more on GOD this way because I am beginning to resent my husband and the site of him makes me angry our daughter is 6 months old and my son is now 6 my son has seen enough and I don't want them to grow up with his arguing all the time its not fair. So I came here to work on myself to get closer to GOD not to save my marriage but because I know I want to be a better me I want to be who and whatever GOD wants me to be. And maybe a part of me wants to let go before the past shows itself or just so my heart is safe and my sons heart is safe. I know no matter what If I get closer to GOD no matter what happens Ill be ok.
Where to begin, lets see I grew up in not the best of situations dad was a herion addict parents eventually divorced but not before my father stole everything we had and made my mom lose her job needless to say we were homeless for awhile and I went hungry may nights and it wasn't lack of trying on my moms part she worked 2 to 3 jobs to get us back on our feet. Eventually she remarried being a Christian woman she always saw the best in people she would give her last to a stranger and cared for everyone even people who hurt her. Later we found out second husband is on crack after he moves us to a strange place again we end up homeless but at least this time we have the car. GOD made away we got our own place and I finished high school and started college in this midst of this changed from being all about GOD to a teenager who smoked weed and cigarettes and clubbed 5 nights a week still working and going to school though.Eventually I joined the airforce was sworn in and all met a guy from the navy fell in lust and thought it was love quite school cause that is what he wanted and moved all over the place with him at one point he decided he wanted to go awall but he didn't want me to go with him so I did what any ignorant teenage girl who though she was in love would do, I lied. Told him I was pregnant truth was I was late but the test came back negative eventually my period started I told him I had a miscarriage and he stayed. Eventually in the midst of his discharge from the navy he decided I shouldn't go to the airforce so I blew off basic, by this time the party me had stopped. Eventually we ended up living in our car and then staying with some friends of mine until he decided he wanted to go back home. I was still very blind and thought we were in love so I went with him 4 years later we are arguing all the time he is choking me when he gets mad keeping me away from my friends and family. I want to leave but Im planning our wedding I dont know what to do, as soon as I made up my mind to leave I get pregnant, I dont want my child growing up without a dad so I stay he pushes me around chokes me while I pregnant Im finding presents he is buying for females he isnt coming home some nights, I get put on bed rest because of the stress and now I have placenta privia. I have my son we get married and it looks like things are going to get better for awhile and then the arguing starts back up finally I go back home for my moms wedding and decided I wanted to stay I talk to him about moving were I was because then I would have help with my son and I can finish school. He said no and I stayed anyway after 4 months he started making me feel guilty one of his friends died so I let him take our son for 2 weeks who was 8 months old now after the first few days of him having our son we talked and I decided to go back. After returning home to find that some female had been living in my house with her son and that him and his friends had been partying in the house used condoms on the floor the house a disaster. The arguing started right away those were the conditions my son was in, I left for two weeks to cool off and went back eventually things got worse and worse then our house burned down while he went on a trip to be with some chick and my son and I were left home. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and my son and I almost lost our lives by the grace of GOD we made it out.
We got a new house through a friend of his which later I found out was another female he was seeing, and one night he decided to let my 1 year old son watch cartoon porn so he could play video games uninterupted. I yelled at him and at that time he decided pushing and shoving and choking me wasn't enough. He blacked my eye and bruised my ribs by punching me in the face and kicking I met someone on this site at that time who helped me get away that night me and my son.
I eventually ended up back home with my mom and friends got a job got my own place worked 2 jobs and finished college and then he decided to come back I just didn't want my son to grow up without his dad and at this point my son is walking around calling every man thats around a lot dad and I thought maybe he changed its been over a year so I went back and his broken promises and fake attitude quickly changed when all of his dirt started coming to light. A game system I bought him for Christmas when we supposedly were reconciling he had been using it to recording females without there knowledge that he was having intercourse with and it was all right in my face. Before I went back this time I had really started praying and getting back to the word something that I had been doing off and on since I had given birth to my son. I found a church and a bible study group so I went to my pastor and told him everything and he reassured me that GOD would not stop loving me if I was to divorce him but he said he would try counseling us first at the counseling session he sat there and said nothing finally I had enough I wanted out, we then got into another altercation when the pastor left which resulted in my open getting cut open I and my son stayed in a shelter a few days then we went back so that I could get things in order to live at this time he let everything get cut off some days I starved so my son could eat he let my sons miniature daushaund starve to death the electricity got turned off for awhile I lost the job I had and the last bit of money I had he took to go see some girl on my birthday. My mom eventually sent my uncle to come get me and my son and all of our belongings, and I left.
Life got better I got my CNA license and still continued college to recieve my law degree, and because I was always so busy a friend talked me into joining a dating site after being single and lonely for 2 years. I eventually met someone on one of the sites we talked for months through email and phone because of my son I wouldn't allow him to come to were I lived he lived an hour and a half away so I went to see him we instantly connected and continued to stay in contact a few more months went by and finally I let him meet my son and they hit it off. After a awhile we decided he lived to far and he should move in but before he moved in I told him about my faith in GOD and told him that if he couldn't deal with it he shouldn't move in and he still wanted to stay. eventually we found a church together we prayed as a family everyday we studied the bible we never missed service I got pregnant and my pastor approached us and said that we either needed to get married or split up because we weren't living right, I didn't want to get married although I did love this guy but I still had scares. Of course he asked me to marry him anyway and I said yes. A few weeks later I lost the baby so I called off the wedding and tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave. We decided not to sleep with each other again until we were married we did have a slip up but we pretty much kept it up. finally we got married and i found out I was pregnant again and again I miscarried at this point my Dr asked me to try and not get pregnant until he could have some test done so we made a mutual decision to be careful so I wouldn't get pregnant again. With each child I lost it seemed as if my heart broke more. About two months later I found out again Im pregnant but this time I go full term and my baby girl is perfectly healthy. And until this we have been deligent with church we didnt allow our jobs or anything else get in the way of us praying together but now we work opposite schedules he works overnight I work both overnight and days overnights on his days off and days when he is home. I am also finishing up my last 3 semesters in school and preparing for law school and the bar exam. In all of this we began to argue, Ive gained weight and feel unattractive we don't spend time together and he spends most of his time sleep. Even when I try to spend time with him he just sleeps and Ive given up on us. We don't go to church any more and its hard because I work full time go to school full time and take care of the kids clean the house and he has become uninvolved. When we argue for 2 weeks after the argument he gets more involved we start praying together things get better then after a while slowly but surely it goes back to the way it was. So Ive become fed up and have decided we should separate and maybe just maybe I can concentrate more on GOD this way because I am beginning to resent my husband and the site of him makes me angry our daughter is 6 months old and my son is now 6 my son has seen enough and I don't want them to grow up with his arguing all the time its not fair. So I came here to work on myself to get closer to GOD not to save my marriage but because I know I want to be a better me I want to be who and whatever GOD wants me to be. And maybe a part of me wants to let go before the past shows itself or just so my heart is safe and my sons heart is safe. I know no matter what If I get closer to GOD no matter what happens Ill be ok.