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Hello all. I am looking for real help. I am depressed, becaused there are things in me that are not like Christ at all that I need to get out of me. 1. I have un-God-like sexual fantasies and 2. I feel like I am not relevent.

Let me get the worst part out first. When I was younger I was molested by more than one family member. That I am not ashamed to talk about, but I am ashamed to talk about how it has affected me. It has affected me sexually. It was hard to let my husband be kind to me. He is a touchy feely person and it used to make me uncomfortable. Now I am Ok with that, but it has affected me in that I now have sexual fantasies that involve group sex and me being taken advantage of sexually by strangers. I figure I might as well get it all out so I can get the help I need. I know that this is not a part of God's will for me. I do not like that I have these thoughts or feelings. I feel like the worst person in the world unworthy of anything positive that God could ever bless me with. My husband does not know and I am afraid to tell him. Telling him is not an option. I want to get over this issue and move on spiritually. I am tired of dealing with this. I have tried and tried, but it doesn't seem to let go. It usually rears its ugly head around that time of the month.

The other part is that some years ago I cheated on him. The cheating was a result of the unpleasant marriage that I was in. I was not, nor am, nor ever will be a cheater. My marriage was physically and mentally abusive until I cheated. After that, we both decided to do things God's way and our relationship seems as though nothing bad has ever happened, for the most part. The thing that bothers me is that he looks at me as a cheater and a liar who just might fall back into that. I look at myself as a person who was in a bad situation that was forced into another bad situation. I know that is not who I am and it hurts me when he thinks of me like that. His family does, too. I understand that we cannot change what others think about us, but it still hurts. I am not a bad person and do not like being viewed that way. I do not look at him as an abuser that is trying not to abuse, I look at him as a person who abused because of the situation. I never told his family or mine what he did. You see, his father was abusive to his mom, but got saved and then no longer was abusive. By then they had divorced and his dad was remarried. My husband was never like that, but it happened a couple of times due to a lack of being able to communicate. He had to learn that he was still hurt by his parents' divorce and affected by his dad's abuse to his mom. I did not see him in the eyes of man, but in the eyes of God. I just wish he would do the same for me. I would much rather someone believe the truth about me even if it is ugly. At least it is the truth.

Also, I tend to forget things a lot and so it seems as if I do not care about what he or our family needs. The truth is that I honestly forget about things. It is to the point to where I may need to go to the doctor to get checked for Alzheimer's. I am only 34 and barely remember what I did this morning (I am exaggerating). Any how, I am so depressed that ever since we had our last disagreement I have not been able to come out of this funk. I am contantly having depressing thoughts. I cry a whole lot and at times I feel like it would be better if I just didn't exist.

Hi Summer,

Welcome and thank you for opening up and sharing your pain with us. I know it's not easy and I completely understand what you mean by wanting someone to just know the truth. Confession is the first step so pat yourself on the back for having the courage. You're also in a good place now and if you will let Him, He will heal you through His TRUTH. You just gotta have faith.

I too was molested by a family member, when I was eight. I think it certainly creates sexual sin in our lives after something like that happens. You're not alone. When I was about twelve I started looking at my mom's porno magazines. Started having sex with boys at 13. I know what it feels like to feel worthless and disgusting and dirty and ashamed. So, believe me you're not alone in being a sinner. We all are, that's why He died for us.

Saturate your life with His TRUTH, His WORD. It's not going to be easy but it's a lot easier then living without it. Grab onto Him right now. He's ready when you are. He's there as your Daddy and willing to listen and forgive you of all your sin and guilt.

For me, I had to do this numerous times with God, seek Him on my knees, repent, cry, scream, rail, rant and thank Him and do it again and again until I finally surrendered it all to Him and thankfully I've done it through these stepping stones. His peace is inside of me now. I'm resting in Him now and not in all that ugliness and darkness. And when it comes rearing it's ugly head again you don't hide from it, you extinguish it with His TRUTH. Amen!

Keep at these steps, this really does work. You can change by His grace. He died to save us not only from our sins but from ourselves too. I know for me I needed to be saved from myself, I was my own worst enemy outside of Satan. Praise be to God for His mighty work he's doing in us.

I leave you with this Word...

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Eph 3:16-19

In Christ,
Shan

Hello Summer1978

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I am glad The Lord led you here.

I know, from what you have shared in your journal, that you have suffered much, and your husband has too. God will complete the good work He has begun in both of you. Healing, sometimes, takes time, but it is time spent, not alone, but with The Lord, Himself, so remember Him too even in the suffering, past and present. He will ease your pain.

Continue with the 14 Day Study, and meditate on the Word of God that is included within each Stepping Stone. Jesus is The Word, and Truth shall set you free.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Summer1978.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

Hello summer GOD is good and he can change you from the inside out and I know right now it doesn't seem like things will change or get better but I will tell you from experience. I use to be the same way I too have been molested by multiple family members and when I started having sexual relations of my own desire I was always uncomfortable talking about certain things or the guy I was seeing touching me in public I was fine when we were having intercourse but in any other setting it felt uncomfortable. And I thought of a lot of ungodly sexual acts and I justified them or when I was in a sexual situation I didn't like I would drink and let whatever happen happen. I got married and just became a different person and honestly until reading your post I didn't even realize that GOD changed that in me. GOD can heal all things I will be praying for you.