My messy past - Journal 1
Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:44 pmI'm not sure where to start. My past is full rejection, I'm in so much pain about everything. I'm 24 years old.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. my mom was verbally abusive and she hated me with a passion. She would tell me she hates me, and how I was good for nothing in life. I felt so rejected by my own family. I was able to forgive my mom after I finished college, knowing that she doesn't have control over my life anymore. But this had a huge effect on my life because i developed a bad attitude towards anything that had to do with family. All my life I felt so rejected by my own family.
Things took a worse turn when i went to grad school about 2 years ago. I got into a relationship with this guy who was so controlling and treated me shamefully. the relationship resulted in me having an abortion, and then being rejected so painfully by my boyfriend. Part of his reasons for the break up was that I've had a very dark past and he couldn't keep up with such a person. I've been living in the shadow of that shame of having an abortion since then. I tried so hard to keep it a secret.
I got into another relationship a year ago with a good guy. after his marriage proposal, I decided last week to tell him about the abortion I had 2 years ago. he was very broken and felt betrayed by me for hiding that part of my past which was too heavy for him. he couldn't understand how i committed such a big sin because I've always been a christian. he then rejected me because of that and he also said i'm still carrying the pain from my past relationship and my childhood rejection.
I'm in so much pain about everything now. I feel like my life has been filled with one rejection after another. its a cycle. i'm afraid i'll never be happy in life because my past is destroying everything i try to have. I'm very confused and giving up on life. Everything about me just turned out to be wrong from the day I was born. I'm so confused about my very existence on this planet. I feel like I was made to suffer in this life. I need your prayers. I'm in so much pain.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. my mom was verbally abusive and she hated me with a passion. She would tell me she hates me, and how I was good for nothing in life. I felt so rejected by my own family. I was able to forgive my mom after I finished college, knowing that she doesn't have control over my life anymore. But this had a huge effect on my life because i developed a bad attitude towards anything that had to do with family. All my life I felt so rejected by my own family.
Things took a worse turn when i went to grad school about 2 years ago. I got into a relationship with this guy who was so controlling and treated me shamefully. the relationship resulted in me having an abortion, and then being rejected so painfully by my boyfriend. Part of his reasons for the break up was that I've had a very dark past and he couldn't keep up with such a person. I've been living in the shadow of that shame of having an abortion since then. I tried so hard to keep it a secret.
I got into another relationship a year ago with a good guy. after his marriage proposal, I decided last week to tell him about the abortion I had 2 years ago. he was very broken and felt betrayed by me for hiding that part of my past which was too heavy for him. he couldn't understand how i committed such a big sin because I've always been a christian. he then rejected me because of that and he also said i'm still carrying the pain from my past relationship and my childhood rejection.
I'm in so much pain about everything now. I feel like my life has been filled with one rejection after another. its a cycle. i'm afraid i'll never be happy in life because my past is destroying everything i try to have. I'm very confused and giving up on life. Everything about me just turned out to be wrong from the day I was born. I'm so confused about my very existence on this planet. I feel like I was made to suffer in this life. I need your prayers. I'm in so much pain.
