Journal Entry One
Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 11:35 pmI'm completely overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings that I don't know which way is up and which way is down. If I'm traveling in the right or wrong direction. My entry will most likely be a mess and a bunch of scattered thoughts, emotions and feelings. I think i'd prefer a check list to a written out account.
My life is a mess.
I am thankful I have finally crashed and burned. This was brought on by my constant trust and doubt issues with my husband and he's setting some boudaries now. He wants space, exactly what I have feared but I know is needed.
I am one of those people who always want to be happy and pursue it above all else yet am so miserable inside. Flawed
My biological father left when I was 18 months old and never looked back.
I was incestually (is that a word?) abused as a child.
God introduced himself to me when I was 11. Has been with me every step of the way even though I ignored Him alot.
My daddy (step-dad) abandoned me when I was 13. He was the only father I knew. My mom married him when I was 4.
After that it seemed I had one desire and that was to be loved. My mom was in her own mess (divorce,out at bars, bringing men home) and didn't give me the love I needed as a teenage girl. So I looked for love in boys. Obviously this was a mistake.
Now I'm a mother of two but no longer with my kids dad. A blessing. There were years of forced sex and pornography in that relationship.
My husband has a porn addiction and the last known weakness was over a year ago. He says it was a victory for him because he did look at the movie on his phone but didn't watch it. Unfortunately, I had to find out by finding it on his phone. He blamed my inability to handle it on him not telling me. We have some issues there to work out but nothing I think that constitutes a divorce. We are both much more open about the topic. I set the boundary that he looks at porn anymore I leave, I think he has respected that, atleast he says he has so I must trust him unless I find out otherwise. He's angry or confused with God that a complete healing hasn't taken place in his desire for porn.
Having said that, I'm married to a man seven years older than me who until recently I didn't know is exactly the kind of person I want to spend my life loving. I hope it's not too late and I haven't sabotaged this relationship beyond repair. He is an over the road car hauler, stays in hotels every night he works. Right now were not talking unless I call him and I'm not doing that much cause I know he needs freedom right now.
Unfortunately, I have major trust and doubt issues with men.
Truthfully I don't trust anyone, even myself.
I've been living in a state of self-pity and an emotional roller coaster since my dad left. My husband has been exposed to it now for almost seven years.
It's my responsibility to fix these problems yet until now I didn't know that.
I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made as I know my daddy God has.
I've hurt my husband so much with my lack of trust and doubt in him. I feel so guilty but this is good. It's time for me to grow and usually it takes some pain to grow. God's word says, "no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful."
I want to trust people, I just haven't ever known how but now I'm taking responsibility in finding out how.
I need some friends to help me grow in this issue, some accountability. I have none and I'm afraid.
I have dumped so many loads on my husband that he's been so loaded with the responsibilities. How wrong and selfish, immature.
I'm sad that it had to take seeing my husbands pain for me to wake up but I'm excited too that I might be able to come into the light.
For a long time I've only allowed the bad in and it's destroyed any good that might've happened.
I want to start taking responsibility for my self, gain confidence, love who I am, control my self and allow the Holy Spirit to guide my plans and actions. His fruit is so good!
That's all for now. I'm exausted emotionally and need to recharge for another day. I hope someone here will be my friend and help me to help myself. Thank you.
My life is a mess.
I am thankful I have finally crashed and burned. This was brought on by my constant trust and doubt issues with my husband and he's setting some boudaries now. He wants space, exactly what I have feared but I know is needed.
I am one of those people who always want to be happy and pursue it above all else yet am so miserable inside. Flawed
My biological father left when I was 18 months old and never looked back.
I was incestually (is that a word?) abused as a child.
God introduced himself to me when I was 11. Has been with me every step of the way even though I ignored Him alot.
My daddy (step-dad) abandoned me when I was 13. He was the only father I knew. My mom married him when I was 4.
After that it seemed I had one desire and that was to be loved. My mom was in her own mess (divorce,out at bars, bringing men home) and didn't give me the love I needed as a teenage girl. So I looked for love in boys. Obviously this was a mistake.
Now I'm a mother of two but no longer with my kids dad. A blessing. There were years of forced sex and pornography in that relationship.
My husband has a porn addiction and the last known weakness was over a year ago. He says it was a victory for him because he did look at the movie on his phone but didn't watch it. Unfortunately, I had to find out by finding it on his phone. He blamed my inability to handle it on him not telling me. We have some issues there to work out but nothing I think that constitutes a divorce. We are both much more open about the topic. I set the boundary that he looks at porn anymore I leave, I think he has respected that, atleast he says he has so I must trust him unless I find out otherwise. He's angry or confused with God that a complete healing hasn't taken place in his desire for porn.
Having said that, I'm married to a man seven years older than me who until recently I didn't know is exactly the kind of person I want to spend my life loving. I hope it's not too late and I haven't sabotaged this relationship beyond repair. He is an over the road car hauler, stays in hotels every night he works. Right now were not talking unless I call him and I'm not doing that much cause I know he needs freedom right now.
Unfortunately, I have major trust and doubt issues with men.
Truthfully I don't trust anyone, even myself.
I've been living in a state of self-pity and an emotional roller coaster since my dad left. My husband has been exposed to it now for almost seven years.
It's my responsibility to fix these problems yet until now I didn't know that.
I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made as I know my daddy God has.
I've hurt my husband so much with my lack of trust and doubt in him. I feel so guilty but this is good. It's time for me to grow and usually it takes some pain to grow. God's word says, "no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful."
I want to trust people, I just haven't ever known how but now I'm taking responsibility in finding out how.
I need some friends to help me grow in this issue, some accountability. I have none and I'm afraid.
I have dumped so many loads on my husband that he's been so loaded with the responsibilities. How wrong and selfish, immature.
I'm sad that it had to take seeing my husbands pain for me to wake up but I'm excited too that I might be able to come into the light.
For a long time I've only allowed the bad in and it's destroyed any good that might've happened.
I want to start taking responsibility for my self, gain confidence, love who I am, control my self and allow the Holy Spirit to guide my plans and actions. His fruit is so good!
That's all for now. I'm exausted emotionally and need to recharge for another day. I hope someone here will be my friend and help me to help myself. Thank you.
