Divorce grief
Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 2:01 pmDay one:
I want today to truly be the first day of the rest of a new life. Few would believe my life. I have made so many mistakes. Thought I was listening to God when I really was listening to myself. This forum is about being honest so I will. I have been married 5 times. My current husband was very abusive and controling to me, always made me feel every day worthless because of my past. He exalted himself as if he had never made mistakes. He would tell me God would strike me with some disease and paralyze me. He also had a past. Every day he would list my faults to put me down. Finally yesterday I got the courage to tell him he absolutely needs to leave or else I would. I told him I thought he was brought into my life to bring me closer to God. Instead this relationship has kept me far from him. I cannot heal and grow because everyday the time I should be spending praying and healing, I spend crying and being upset over demeaning remarks made to me. I finally realized I cannot heal with him in the house. I can easily support myself and kids so that is not the issue. But, rather the issue was I was codependent on him. I cannot explain why I have gotten into marriages with him and men who clearly don't respect me, honor me, treat me as a biblical wife. Every one has used my past mistakes I have humbly admitted to hurt me. God forgives, but I was never forgiven by those relationships. It was used a weapon to hurt and control me. I want life to be on my own with my children. We share a 4 month old baby. I'm so scared for her and what this divorce will mean for her. I don't want her to hear any more terrible fights. I had felt so worthless, thoughts like world would be better off without me kept wafting into my head. And, I kept throwing them out, repeating to myself that the devil is a liar. I truly have been treated in this relationship worse than anything. My spouse told me to kill myself because no one cares anyway. The pain I feel lately sometimes feel beyond what I can bear. Then I read online about this program and became excited. I felt hope. I thought, could this really work for me? A woman who has had 5 husbands and made bad choices?? I know with this program and this man out of my life, I can heal and be happy and whole again and have a born again life.
I want today to truly be the first day of the rest of a new life. Few would believe my life. I have made so many mistakes. Thought I was listening to God when I really was listening to myself. This forum is about being honest so I will. I have been married 5 times. My current husband was very abusive and controling to me, always made me feel every day worthless because of my past. He exalted himself as if he had never made mistakes. He would tell me God would strike me with some disease and paralyze me. He also had a past. Every day he would list my faults to put me down. Finally yesterday I got the courage to tell him he absolutely needs to leave or else I would. I told him I thought he was brought into my life to bring me closer to God. Instead this relationship has kept me far from him. I cannot heal and grow because everyday the time I should be spending praying and healing, I spend crying and being upset over demeaning remarks made to me. I finally realized I cannot heal with him in the house. I can easily support myself and kids so that is not the issue. But, rather the issue was I was codependent on him. I cannot explain why I have gotten into marriages with him and men who clearly don't respect me, honor me, treat me as a biblical wife. Every one has used my past mistakes I have humbly admitted to hurt me. God forgives, but I was never forgiven by those relationships. It was used a weapon to hurt and control me. I want life to be on my own with my children. We share a 4 month old baby. I'm so scared for her and what this divorce will mean for her. I don't want her to hear any more terrible fights. I had felt so worthless, thoughts like world would be better off without me kept wafting into my head. And, I kept throwing them out, repeating to myself that the devil is a liar. I truly have been treated in this relationship worse than anything. My spouse told me to kill myself because no one cares anyway. The pain I feel lately sometimes feel beyond what I can bear. Then I read online about this program and became excited. I felt hope. I thought, could this really work for me? A woman who has had 5 husbands and made bad choices?? I know with this program and this man out of my life, I can heal and be happy and whole again and have a born again life.
