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Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:21 amSo many things I have to say but why is it that I find it hard to put into words? Is it because I fear wording poorly? I dont know, what I do know is that I have so many feelings and thoughts that I wanna get right out and say. So that is what I shall do.
What a week, I have come to realize more and more that I can do nothing with out The Lord, that I am nothing without him. I look back at my life a month ago and I begin to laugh at what a life I was living, how did I ever think that the life I was living was happiness. In the moment I felt as if I was happy but always in the back of my mind I would say "there is something wrong with the way I am living". Now more then ever do I realize that among a lot of sinful actions played out by me, that the reasoning for my thoughts in the back of my mind is because I wasn't living. Asking Jesus to be my Savior was not something that I was interested in. Now with asking Jesus to be my Savior I feel alive, I feel energized, free, hope, faith...I feel love. Its amazing really. Never do think about going back to that life, its not an option, need or a want of mine. I will forever stand in the light of the Lord. But am I wrong when I say that sometimes its hard to have faith that everything is going to be okay? I pray for signs that just that will happen, or that I should not fear my future, that my husband will be touched by the hands of the Lord again and he will see that I have changed and to not go through with this divorce. Most days I will receive those signs, like such... I was sitting at the Lake where my husband proposed, and I asked the Lord to show me the way, the right way, the way he wants me to go, and as I looked up into the sky I saw 3 stars, one, then right bellow another, and then directly below the second one was another, all aligned with one another. I thought to myself that is pointing directly above where my husband and my son live. So I got into my car drove towards my husbands house and there they were, from a distance (but not to far away) they were directly above his house. A million stars in the sky on a clear night and it just so happens that when I am praying for the Lord to show me the way I am suppose to go, 3 aligned stars that are brighter then all the others are pointing down to where my family lays there head at night. Another sign was this thought that I had. Presenting the divorce papers to my husband as I said I would but then replacing that with proposing to him, pleading to him that I can't see my life without him and that if him and I both have a covenant marriage in the hands of the Lord, and not just a contract from Washington State, that our marriage would last till death do us part. My husband has always been a Christian man, and has walked with the Lord, meant his vows, understood his vows, and lived by them, it was I that didn't...and I believe that is why our marriage is failing. I didn't even know what love was until now. I knew that there was something special, pure and wholesome about my husband, I knew the feelings that I had when I looked into his eyes were something special, but it is not till now that I realized what those feelings meant. Was that the Holy Spirit talking to me when I had this thought of proposing to my husband, to have not a contract marriage with me, but for the both of us to have a marriage through Jesus? I have been reluctant about acting upon my thought. I kinda put that thought away, and now the coming time for be to present the divorce papers to my husband has been prolonged now by 4 days. It was suppose to be done on Tues, but then I realized that I needed him here for the custody part of the divorce, so we planned for tonight, tonight he called and prolonged it to tomorrow. Another sign, tonight I was feeling weak, hopeless, wondering why this divorce keeps getting prolonged? I told myself, take a drive. I didn't know where I was going but I just needed to drive and listen to some music. As I got into my car I turned on a random song, it was nothing uplifting, or anything that put thought into my head, but as I was turning the corner my elbow hit my phone and switched it to this song called "Breathe" here are the lyrics.
There’s nothing to do but believe
Just believe
Just breathe
Another day, just believe
Another day, just breathe
Another day, just believe
Another day
Just breathe
I’m used to it by now
Another day, just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Just breathe
Lying in my bed
Another day, staring at the ceiling
Just breathe
Another day
Another day, just believe
Another day
I’m used to it by now
I’m used to it by now
Just breathe
Just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Another day, just believe
Another day
Another day, just believe
Another day, just breathe
Another day (I do believe)
Another day (so hard to breathe)
Another day (not so hard to believe)
Another day
Another day
I know I shouldn't try and figure out what the Lord has in store, but I should just believe! Have faith that he loves me and has a plan for me...he will save me from all this pain. I'm calling out to you Lord Jesus, I am sorry for living in fear. I pray for strengthening in my faith, for I know you will never forsake me. I love you! Amen
How do you know if what your feeling is a sign, is the Truth or not?
I recently watched the movie "Fireproof" and oh my goodness...I recommend that to every married couple. After watching the movie, I began to realize that months ago my husband bought this book for me that I wanted, it was for couples. He didn't know what the book was about other then it was for married couples. Its called "The Love Dare" I kinda just pushed the book to the side, but now I am starting to fully realize what the book is really about. Its based off of the movie, and if you haven't seen the movie, I really think you should rent it.
I thank anyone who is willing to read my babbling mess of a Journal entry.
God Bless and Goodnight
What a week, I have come to realize more and more that I can do nothing with out The Lord, that I am nothing without him. I look back at my life a month ago and I begin to laugh at what a life I was living, how did I ever think that the life I was living was happiness. In the moment I felt as if I was happy but always in the back of my mind I would say "there is something wrong with the way I am living". Now more then ever do I realize that among a lot of sinful actions played out by me, that the reasoning for my thoughts in the back of my mind is because I wasn't living. Asking Jesus to be my Savior was not something that I was interested in. Now with asking Jesus to be my Savior I feel alive, I feel energized, free, hope, faith...I feel love. Its amazing really. Never do think about going back to that life, its not an option, need or a want of mine. I will forever stand in the light of the Lord. But am I wrong when I say that sometimes its hard to have faith that everything is going to be okay? I pray for signs that just that will happen, or that I should not fear my future, that my husband will be touched by the hands of the Lord again and he will see that I have changed and to not go through with this divorce. Most days I will receive those signs, like such... I was sitting at the Lake where my husband proposed, and I asked the Lord to show me the way, the right way, the way he wants me to go, and as I looked up into the sky I saw 3 stars, one, then right bellow another, and then directly below the second one was another, all aligned with one another. I thought to myself that is pointing directly above where my husband and my son live. So I got into my car drove towards my husbands house and there they were, from a distance (but not to far away) they were directly above his house. A million stars in the sky on a clear night and it just so happens that when I am praying for the Lord to show me the way I am suppose to go, 3 aligned stars that are brighter then all the others are pointing down to where my family lays there head at night. Another sign was this thought that I had. Presenting the divorce papers to my husband as I said I would but then replacing that with proposing to him, pleading to him that I can't see my life without him and that if him and I both have a covenant marriage in the hands of the Lord, and not just a contract from Washington State, that our marriage would last till death do us part. My husband has always been a Christian man, and has walked with the Lord, meant his vows, understood his vows, and lived by them, it was I that didn't...and I believe that is why our marriage is failing. I didn't even know what love was until now. I knew that there was something special, pure and wholesome about my husband, I knew the feelings that I had when I looked into his eyes were something special, but it is not till now that I realized what those feelings meant. Was that the Holy Spirit talking to me when I had this thought of proposing to my husband, to have not a contract marriage with me, but for the both of us to have a marriage through Jesus? I have been reluctant about acting upon my thought. I kinda put that thought away, and now the coming time for be to present the divorce papers to my husband has been prolonged now by 4 days. It was suppose to be done on Tues, but then I realized that I needed him here for the custody part of the divorce, so we planned for tonight, tonight he called and prolonged it to tomorrow. Another sign, tonight I was feeling weak, hopeless, wondering why this divorce keeps getting prolonged? I told myself, take a drive. I didn't know where I was going but I just needed to drive and listen to some music. As I got into my car I turned on a random song, it was nothing uplifting, or anything that put thought into my head, but as I was turning the corner my elbow hit my phone and switched it to this song called "Breathe" here are the lyrics.
There’s nothing to do but believe
Just believe
Just breathe
Another day, just believe
Another day, just breathe
Another day, just believe
Another day
Just breathe
I’m used to it by now
Another day, just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Just breathe
Lying in my bed
Another day, staring at the ceiling
Just breathe
Another day
Another day, just believe
Another day
I’m used to it by now
I’m used to it by now
Just breathe
Just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Another day, just believe
Another day
Another day, just believe
Another day, just breathe
Another day (I do believe)
Another day (so hard to breathe)
Another day (not so hard to believe)
Another day
Another day
I know I shouldn't try and figure out what the Lord has in store, but I should just believe! Have faith that he loves me and has a plan for me...he will save me from all this pain. I'm calling out to you Lord Jesus, I am sorry for living in fear. I pray for strengthening in my faith, for I know you will never forsake me. I love you! Amen
How do you know if what your feeling is a sign, is the Truth or not?
I recently watched the movie "Fireproof" and oh my goodness...I recommend that to every married couple. After watching the movie, I began to realize that months ago my husband bought this book for me that I wanted, it was for couples. He didn't know what the book was about other then it was for married couples. Its called "The Love Dare" I kinda just pushed the book to the side, but now I am starting to fully realize what the book is really about. Its based off of the movie, and if you haven't seen the movie, I really think you should rent it.
I thank anyone who is willing to read my babbling mess of a Journal entry.
God Bless and Goodnight