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Forgiving myself is the next step on this journey. As you may know, I have trouble with this one. I understand more, though, how it is possible and why it is important, but I still have trouble with it. Sorry.

Like I said before, if I feel like I need to be forgiven for something, it's because I'm truly sorry. Not just because I want to do it for appearances. I know God forgives me, and I've worked for a long time on learning to forgive others. I'm proud to day that I was able to do it with some people, and that even though I'm still working on it for others, it's forward progress. I was using different levels of forgiveness with people based on how one event in the past effected my present. I'm sorry for doing that, and I don't want to do that anymore.

There was a person in my life, a close family member, that seemed to go out of their way to make other people's lives miserable. This person would steal anything that wasn't nailed down all in an effort to support their way of life (not neccessarily drugs, but stealing and reselling to get money in order not to have to work, for example). This person is very callous and manipulative, and as a person I am supposed to have been able to look up to, I let myself be manipulated. As I grew up, as an adult and as a Christian, I learned through the scriptures that it's okay for me to forgive this person, but to continue to trust them when I know they will continue to steal from me is not helpful to either of us. To continue to allow this person into my home and into my life when they have made it clear that they do not plan to change is unhelpful to either of us. So I choose to follow that path. I feel like God is saying it's okay for me not to continue to try and help this person because since I've stopped I've noticed quite a bit of anguish has left my life.

Anyway, forgiving others is easier for me to do than to forgive myself. I don't know why exactly. I guess it's because I feel like I need a reminder that what I did was wrong so that I don't do it again. I feel like I'm obsesed with doing the right thing, I NEED to do the right thing because if I don't I will continue to be punished for whatever it was I did wrong.

Today's reading was about forgiving yourself, but I feel like it was more focused on forgiving others. That's fine too, because some people really have a problem with that. I used to, but I'm learning and I'm growing, and I'm trying to be better everyday.

I'm not running away from God because I don't feel, like the person in the example from today's story. I'm running TO God, because I beg of His forgiveness. I don't think I have the different levels of forgiveness for myself. I see every sin I've committed as equally heinous. I don't know what the heck I'm doing here, but I have the sneaky suspicion that I'm doing it wrong.

Pert wrote:Forgiving myself is the next step on this journey. As you may know, I have trouble with this one. I understand more, though, how it is possible and why it is important, but I still have trouble with it. Sorry.

No need to be sorry. It's a process He is working in you. A wonderful process. Each time you visit the need to forgive yourself HE brings you closer to forgiving and closer to His will. His grace is sufficient. You're doing just fine.

Pert wrote: I'm not running away from God because I don't feel, like the person in the example from today's story. I'm running TO God, because I beg of His forgiveness. I don't think I have the different levels of forgiveness for myself. I see every sin I've committed as equally heinous. I don't know what the heck I'm doing here, but I have the sneaky suspicion that I'm doing it wrong.

You are not doing it wrong dear sister. God has you in this. He is working things out. Just relax and thank Him for the seeds He planted in you today. He will help you figure it all out in time. He is proud of you! And He loves you!

Keep on!

Hello Pert (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

You have been on my mind and heart, and prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

So much of what you have written reminded me of myself, and my own walk a few years back. You are a good rules keeper, as am I, and sometimes those of us that are really good at keeping rules, find it confusing when we have great trials and we seem to miss out on the rewards of this life, while others, who don't seem to be that good at keeping rules, seem to be successful, and get what they want, etc. We understand... that, yes, if we sin we will be punished. We get that. However, we believe that we usually keep the rules, so how come we aren't reaping in the rewards?

Pert, if I am way off base here in my understanding of what you are sharing, please do not hesitate to let me know.

The answer is more spiritual. Our attitude, or the condition of our heart, does not always match our deeds. We may even be good at putting on a good face, but deep down we can be seething...a tad bit ticked off that we are having to do, once again, for this person or that person. And, we can miss a very important truth and that truth is...all our abilities, even the ability to keep rules, came from God, Himself -- for His purpose.

All good attributes are from God. God desires to use us, and those good attributes that He gave us. Most of us have mis-used those good attributes for our own glory, either through willful sin, or in ignorance to the fullness of the Truth.

Each person that has ever been born, was made in the image of God. We all have some built-in characteristics of God, by God's design. However, because of original sin (Adam and Eve in the Garden) we have all inherited a sinful nature, and we've all learned a great deal of worldly teachings atop of that, further complicating things -- separating us further from God and His Truth. But, there is hope...blessed hope in Christ Jesus, our Saviour. He died for our sins...all of them: past, present and future. And, every born again Christian, has the indwelling of The Holy Spirit, and He converts us, helps us to grow in Truth. The Truth heals us, and it sets us free.

At one point in one of your posts, you asked something like ...why should we even try to do good, if we are never going to be good enough? Well, we could do just that...not even try, but because The Holy Spirit now indwells us, He encourages and inspires us to reflect the Christ-like characteristics given us at birth and at re-birth. Plus, Pert...you are a rules keeper, by glorious design. There is no way you would be content with rebellion on a full-time basis. It is not your nature. You may have moments, days, or even longer periods of time that you just want to be rebellious, but, deep down, you have a need to reach higher, and nothing less will ever feel right.

As born again children of God, we have access to the power to understand His Truth, and The Truth will set you free. Those souls that have not accepted Christ Jesus as Saviour do not have access to nor will they fully understand the truth of God's Word. Because Truth is spiritually discerned and understood.

Pert, you are a bright young woman. You have access to understanding the mysteries of God's Word, but to date, you've barely skimmed the surface of those great mysteries. He has much to teach you and reveal to you. The journey you are now on, will help you get to know Him better and grow closer to Him.

John 17:3 And this is life eternal (eternal life), that they might know Thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, Whom Thou hast sent.

Pert, there is hope -- real hope -- in Christ Jesus. I know sometimes it gets confusing, but, do not lose heart, God loves you. There are great blessings ahead.

I'm excited for you, and my prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Pert.
Love,
Mack