Stepping Stone #6
Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:47 pmToday, before I went through my step, I prayed and I went through my email with my daily devotionals. As I did my step, I felt comfort and peace and I was eager to work on my charts. I started on the charts before I journaled and in the middle of doing that a knock came at my door. It was my husband home in the middle of the day. And he peeked his head in my room and said that he had brought some sandwich stuff home and I could eat if I wanted. That was 100% new. He hasn't spoken to me in months due to our divorce proceedings except negatively and I was surprised he offered me food. I came out of my room and to the kitchen and asked why he was home in the middle of the day. He said he took yet another vacation day because he had a class to attend. It suddenly dawned on me what he had...it was the parenting class required for our divorce. I suddenly became upset within myself when faced with that reality. And I came back to my room and called my dear friend Janet in Idaho. She and I talked and she encouraged me in the Lord and though my heart feels extremely troubled and filled with pain and sorrow, I know she is right and that I have to just keep seeking God and He will take me where He wants me to be.
During our call, the call was lost...that happens a lot with my cell phone. And I was so troubled, I cried out to God in the spirit for a few minutes before calling her back.
I am so troubled and I am praying for God to just fill me with His Spirit and guide my thoughts and my actions. I do not want to let my thoughts control my spirit or my actions. And I am doing my best to trust that God will work His perfect will in this situation.
Do I actually want him to "fix" things bewtween my husband and myself? Is that what I am willing Him to do? Janet brought up a very good point to me. She said that even though what my husband and I have lived in has been hard and filled with a lot of turmoil, it is what I know and am used to and I am losing what I am used to and it is scary even though it was not good. And that perhaps I had leaned to heavily on Bill and my kids to fill the part of me that God should have been filling and He might be trying to break that and teach me that He is who I should look to for fulfillment and peace, not my kids or my husband. I too have thought that maybe that was the case as well...am I losing all I have known and clung to so that I learn to cling to the only one who truly matters?
I am still heart broken but I do feel some what better, just crying out to Him in the spirit and knowing that He is working in me and is my hope and salvation.
I want to make sure I do not think that I am doing this only to get my husband back. I want to make sure that I am doing this with right motives and pure intentions of serving God and only God.
I wish I wasn't so hurt and lonely and I wish my husband loved me, but if that never happens, I still have God's love and I still love God and want to serve Him with my life.
I will work on my charts and keep God the focus of my days. I pray He help me control my thoughts and that those thoughts are only directed toward Him.
During our call, the call was lost...that happens a lot with my cell phone. And I was so troubled, I cried out to God in the spirit for a few minutes before calling her back.
I am so troubled and I am praying for God to just fill me with His Spirit and guide my thoughts and my actions. I do not want to let my thoughts control my spirit or my actions. And I am doing my best to trust that God will work His perfect will in this situation.
Do I actually want him to "fix" things bewtween my husband and myself? Is that what I am willing Him to do? Janet brought up a very good point to me. She said that even though what my husband and I have lived in has been hard and filled with a lot of turmoil, it is what I know and am used to and I am losing what I am used to and it is scary even though it was not good. And that perhaps I had leaned to heavily on Bill and my kids to fill the part of me that God should have been filling and He might be trying to break that and teach me that He is who I should look to for fulfillment and peace, not my kids or my husband. I too have thought that maybe that was the case as well...am I losing all I have known and clung to so that I learn to cling to the only one who truly matters?
I am still heart broken but I do feel some what better, just crying out to Him in the spirit and knowing that He is working in me and is my hope and salvation.
I want to make sure I do not think that I am doing this only to get my husband back. I want to make sure that I am doing this with right motives and pure intentions of serving God and only God.
I wish I wasn't so hurt and lonely and I wish my husband loved me, but if that never happens, I still have God's love and I still love God and want to serve Him with my life.
I will work on my charts and keep God the focus of my days. I pray He help me control my thoughts and that those thoughts are only directed toward Him.