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This is a copy of my regular blog from blogger...I had a rough start to my day, and I was unable to access the internet for a while, and I don't know how long I will actually have internet access...because my husband controls that and he can shut it off at any time... I will try to gather myself and get to stepping stone 4 but I cannot concentrate at all right now and I am soooo sleepy. I need to sleep and try to recover from the stress of the morning...my clothes are in the dryer, I am trying to find a way out of my house, permanently...and well, if you read the rest, you will know why.


Letting Everyone Know...
Today, once again, I have been thrown back into crap!....First off, this morning, the phones were once again shut off. My husband did not pay the bill. Another threat carried out. But...my daughter, his precious one, went to a neighbor and called him at work and he once again paid the minimum and had the phone turned back on. That is the 2nd time now in about 2 weeks that has happened because the phone bill is so past due that paying the minimum only staves off the inevitable for a couple of weeks since the next cycle is due around the 20th of the month. So by that time, it will be back to over $500.00 past due again and shut off.

The cable/internet is the same way. As I was online for a bit this morning, I was unaware of the situation totally. I mean, I knew he had not paid the bills and I was getting automated calls regarding the cable/internet. I had called them and asked them to route the calls to his phone and not mine and explained that he pays the bills, I have no access to doing so and they obliged me.

Well, since I had been online for a bit today, I was unaware that the internet had been shut off. It was only after my daughter pointed out to me that the phones were back on that I went to get online and couldn't.

I tried calling the husband at work, to no answer. I had her use her phone to call and still no answer. So I called the office line instead of his personal cell and he answered. I asked him if he had the cable/internet shut off...he said no he hadn't and he was in a meeting....so I hung up and called the cable company. The automated line said the service was disconnected due to non payment. The balance is over $400.00 and it needed a minimum payment of over $265.00 to restore service. I texted him that info with a message saying that you did indeed have it shut off because you didn't pay the bill.

Then I had a private meltdown with a friend on the phone and called my attorneys office to say that I am done...AGAIN...and I was going to just walk to somewhere and find a ride to anywhere because the abuse and isolation that I live with is LEGAL...since he hasn't hit me, he can do whatever else he wants. It is not illegal to not pay your bills or take your wifes car away.

The court can get involved eventually but it will be too late for me by the time that they do.

It is unbelievable that he is the kind of monster that he is or that all anyone, including my attorney is interested in is "did he threaten to hit you or threaten to kill you, has he hit you?" I told the secretary that he doesn't have to hit me or threaten to kill me, he is doing a very good job of making me want to do that myself. The secretary will get a message to my attorney who is in meetings and depositions all day...and they will see if they can contact his attorney...blah, blah, blah.....

So what? Now I see the modem flashing and I see I am suddenly able to get online...does that mean he called and made a phone payment of the minimum amount to have it restored? I suppose it does. Does that do me any good? I suppose it is good in the way that I am able to write and vent agian. But it is temporary. I have figured that out. When one crisis ends, another just as bad or worse will come. He is literally driving me insane, past a breaking point and I cannot take it.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of being on pins and needles. I am tired of trying and I am tired of just plain living.

Just when I think I have gotten a grasp on things, he slams me with another insult, another abuse. It has been almost 2 months since he had my car repossessed. He said initially that he was actually getting the car back. That was about a month ago, almost. And the car is not here. I believe he has it back. Because when we originally got it, we got both cars and they were both in both our names....I can't imagine he can keep his own car much longer and not pay for mine or the company would just have to take his too. But maybe I am wrong. He told me last month, that he had to pay for mine or they were going to garnish his wages....so I don't know.

What I do know is what I have blogged before. I have no money, save $60 from a very kind person who was more than kind to give it to me. I have no car or way of escape. I have no car to get a job. I have no friends or family close by and the only family memeber I have who I might be able to turn to is going through a life or death battle of stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma with her only daughter, her husband has a serious heart condition and is ill and she has just hurt her back quite badly and is going to the hospital herself. How can I bring my problems to her?

I don't know what God is intending me to do....I am quite confused and confounded. One minute, I am finding that I can get some peace in turning to Him and the next minute, the world around me goes nuts again and I am thrown back into desperation, anxiety, fear and anger.

I can't seem to get my footing or my head above water long enough to take a deep breath and find my way out of it. I am drowning.

And I am tired. I am sick. Not only sick at heart, but physically sick. This battle is draining the life out of me and I have no reserves on which to draw for the next attack.

The rollercoaster ride is killing me from the inside out!

If I do not write later, I hope you understand. And I hope I don't offend anyone by not keeping in touch. I don't know where I will be tomorrow...I just don't.

My thoughts have been to go to that truck stop about 10 miles or so from where I live and hitch a ride with a willing trucker to anywhere but here. And if it is dangerous, it couldn't be any more dangerous than staying in a place where my will to live and resist this evil is drained and gone.

Hello Donlaw (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

Donlaw, I want you to know that you are loved and that I care about you. The Lord God Almighty loves and cares about you, perfectly. Please take that into your heart, and allow that blessed truth to rain peace upon your soul.

I know your situation is not ideal, by any stretch of the imagination; however, there is a possibility that there are things happening to others within your household, that you are not considering because of being so overwhelmed by fear and anger. There is obviously a problem with finances within the entire household, that not only are impacting you, but everyone within your household.

I realize that when we have been the brunt of someone else' abuse, the last thing we want to think about is what they (the abuser) is going through; but, I think that is something that needs to be examined. If your husband is unable, for whatever reason, not to pay the household's bills, he is under horrendous strain and worry. While it may not appear that he is worried, because of how he chooses to express himself to you, the signs are there. He is getting harassing and threatening phone calls from creditors -- with the threat of wage garnishment. This threat from the creditors will impact everyone within your household, not just you.

Unfortunately, because of all the dysfunction within the family unit, everyone -- and I mean EVERYONE involved -- is suffering.

I know what it is like to not have access to car and money. I do understand that. However, to combine those challenges with everyone hating one another, it would feel like a downhill spiral to nowhere. But, Donlaw, there is hope in The Lord. If one or two of you within the household could just see past their own misery, they'd see they are not alone at all, but are with others that also need a little sunshine in their life -- a fresh perspective...HOPE.

Donlaw, I do understand how Satan works. Satan does not play fair at all. He sets one against the other and then pulls the rug out from under all of them -- watching them all fall, and none reaching to help the other. That is Satan's perfect plan to watch as we all falter and fall, bruising one another further as we fall -- encouraging hatred.

Donlaw, if you are in real danger of physical abuse right now or tonight, then get out. No more name calling, no more pointing fingers, no more dragging one another through the mud, just get out.

But, if you are not in real physical danger right now, then rest in The Lord and He will give you peace, and from that blessed place of peace (in His presence) He will direct you.

Prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you, Donlaw.
Love,
Mack

Hi Mack, and thank you again. I wrote you a private message and now that I re-read what you have written I want to let you know that I am not at this point right now in physical danger from my husband. Only myself sometimes......I am not saying I am suicidal. But I have been there before and hate where this is heading now...I am trying to rest in God. Desperately trying. I will be doing step 4 later tonight so I am seeking Him. I am praying and reading scripture.

I am grateful for this website and for brothers and sisters like you who shower me with care and prayers.

I will try my hardest to pray for my husband because like I said, I have not been doing that and I think I should have been.

God bless you Mack, thank you

Continueing to pray for you.

Who would've thunk...that step 4 would be on forgiveness and maybe I should have done it earlier instead of ranting about all of the woes of my day. Does foot in mouth sound appropriate? It feels that way! Praise God I can start fresh every day!