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I re-did step 2 and then proceeded to step 3 a little earlier in the day than I usually do my steps.

I have already journaled about my troubled heart. But I left one thing out. And that is something that I believe is holding me back from God's grace.

I was originally not going to talk about this in a public forum but have no reason really not to.

In all of my marital troubles and for all of my marriage up to the past few years, I stayed physically faithful to my husband even though for an honest 90% of our marriage he did not sleep with me or even in the same bed with me. He frequently told me during the last 7 years that he did not want me or a relationship with me and he was intending to divorce me and leave me as soon as the last child was 18.

Now I do not say that to excuse myself because I have been guilty now since then of adultery.

The adultery is my sin. And I am guilty.

The reasons why I found another person are because I was lonely, and angry. But that isn't an excuse before God. The worst part for me is that I know it is wrong. Even though I have believed for a long time that my husband had someone else, even though I believed for a long time that my husband did not love me and gave me away, I still had no reason to sin against God.

And it was not just that one sin. I knew I was sinning, hated that I was sinning and still sinned. I would repent and vow to stay away from this other person, yet still found myself at times drawn to him and still was with him. And I would repent again and even tell him that I didn't want to be with him because I knew it was a sin against God and I would still end up either seeking him out in times of great sadness or anger or when he sought me, answer his call.

At one point, I had turned to the Lord and started going back to church, (2 or 3 years ago), and even confessed this sin to my husband and asked his forgiveness. I sought reconciliation with my husband only to find that he was going with the flow and did not really seek the same, he just wanted a little calm and quiet. So hurt once again, I closed my conscience to the Word of God and once again sought out this other person.

It seems to me it is now almost like an addiction. It is something I need to confess but more than that it is something I need to remove from my life completely.

No amount of hurt and pain has ever been healed by this, it has only added to my pain and my guilt.

I need a divine intervention more than ever right now.

And I know God forgives. I guess I wonder how he can forgive the same sin over and over in someone who knows His truth and still has ignored it.

One more thing...as I am reading in other journals, it appears the charts are for later on in the process...but during step 2, there were a couple of "field trips" and one of them led to the charts...I made them last night, though have yet to work on them other than do my step today. And pray.

I hope it wasn't skipping ahead. I didn't do it intentionally...LOL

And I also saw someone mentioning blame. That seems to be coming in a future step so I won't elaborate too much right now on it and wait for the teaching but I do know that along with blaming myself, I have plenty of blame to give and maybe that isn't right. I don't know....

I know I blame my husband for not loving me, I blame him for abusing me and I blame him for dividing me from my children. What that means, I don't know yet. Have much more to learn.

But I am open to God's prompting and teaching, through this study and His Word.

God bless all of my brothers and sisters here at Oasis!

Hello Donlaw (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

I know you are eager for change, and from your what you have written in your journal you are eager for a complete change. I do understand that. (((hugs))) However, take your time and don't jump too far ahead. In this life, we have many thoughts and others and other things offer us many thoughts, too. It can become overwhelming, having us choose to follow others' opinions and quick fixes as opposed to following God and His counsel.

Continue on the 14 Day Journey. Read each day's step, and then meditate on The Word (Bible scripture) contained in each Step. Pray and ask The Holy Spirit to read The Blessed Word with you, and give you understanding. He will. Yeah, Thank You Holy Spirit.

The Word is Jesus, and The Word (Jesus) will set you free.

Right now, it would appear that everyone in your household is warring and constantly planning their next war move. When you become aware of this from others -- either through their words or their actions -- just go to your safe place (your room) and pray. Don't allow the enemy of our souls (satan) to draw you into the battle of his words, or even into the battle of his actions, but reach for The Lord and allow The Lord's Word to calm you. Try going outside and watching nature: birds and flowers and trees and sunshine can have a wonderful impact on our grieving soul.

I am praying for you, Donlaw. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Sister Mack

Thank you so very much for your words of love and encouragement Sister Mack. I am so blessed to have found such a wondrous place to help me in my search for healing from God. I realize it is going to be a long and sometimes painful journey but I am looking forward to full restoration in and through our Savior Jesus Christ.

I have spent time today, after step 3, just working on my profile and adding photos to my photo albums. In doing so, I found some memories long forgotten in my pain. It was nice to reminisce and find that there were times of love and sunshine in the past.

I am praying for God to lift my heart and my spirit and keep me ever mindful of my blessings as well as on the right road to Him.

God Bless you Sister,

Love back,

Donna