Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Number 5: Honor thy mother and thy father, that thy days may be long

I struggle every day to obey this commandment. It is literally a daily struggle, as I find myself praying for forgiveness for this every day. Let me give you a little background.

I was raised with both parents in the home, but my father may as well have been absent because he wasn't "there". iHe was a phyiscal presence, but he didn't do the typical "dad" things, like help with homework, teach us how to ride bikes, go to recitals or take a general interest in what we had going on in our lives. He worked, and he provided monetarily, but that was about it. At times, he was abusive to my siblings and me. He'd beat us if we did something he didn't like, or something he deemed uncool. He was emotionally abusive. I can remember one time where my older sister was making our dinner and accidentally dropped something on me that had come straight out the oven. I was burned and crying, pretty loud, and my father came in the room yelling at me to be quiet. When my sister explained to him what happened, he actually started laughing. He laughed at me, told me to shut up, and went back to his room. That was unneccesarily cruel. Out of his own mouth, I have been called everything but a child of God, including some of the worst things you could call a person, let alone your own child.

Despite all of this, and everything else that went on when I was a kid, I have chosen to forgive it all. I don't want to be trapped by all the crap that happened in my past. It might as well have been a hundred years ago. By the grace of God I am finally in a space where I can feel defined by my past. Hallelujah.

So why do I struggle with the fifth commandment? Because of how he acts present day! He declared he was tired of working about 10 years ago and has not worked a day since then. From that day on, I have just watched my mother struggle. She paid all the bills, gave him spending money when he told her to, eats us out of house and home, doesn't help out with chores, etc. I moved back home after college and now my mother doesn't want me to leave because of the financial help I provide to the household. But I feel like living here will either drive me crazy or cause me to be disrespectful to one or both of my parents.

I do not respect my father. Seeing how he treats us, how he belittles our efforts, it's all pretty sickening. I want to honor my mother and my father, but it's so hard when I don't respect him.

I don't know how to deal with this.

That is a tough situation to be in. I’m sorry to hear about how poorly you were treated, the neglect, & lack of support. But the best thing you could have done was to continue with your life & forgive him. BTW: congrats on your college degree! I’m sorry to say but this is NOT your battle. I think it is awesome that you want to help & support your mother but you have your own life to live & if you stay you’re just going to wind up becoming resentful. You didn’t mention if your mother has a relationship with the Lord? If she doesn’t you need to tell her about the Lord & if she does she needs to pray about the situation & ask for His guidance. In any event you need to pray for your father deliverance.
Father I pray for healing in Sister Pert’s life, ask that you give her guidance, & deliverance for her dad. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
God Bless

The Way, The Truth, & The Life
Keep on Prayin!!!

I think that many of our struggles with Christianity are in not understanding what we are being asked to do:

What does honor mean?

to hold in honor or high respect; revere: to honor one's parents.


re·vere
1    [ri-veer] Show IPA

verb (used with object), re·vered, re·ver·ing.
to regard with respect tinged with awe; venerate: The child revered her mother.


deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

None of these definitions require you to support your parents. You are supposed to respect them, talk politely and treat them otherwise as parents worthy of honor would be treated wherever possible, but I do not see that you need to subject yourself to daily mistreatment for the rest of your father's life. IMHO.

I don't know how your mother is supposed to cope. I don't know what the right answers there are. I think that your parents will need to make some difficult choices and that when they do, that it would be good if you found ways to quietly help your mother without enabling your father in his horrible behavior.

Hi Pert!

Wow, reading your post made me feel like reading my own life! I am 33 years old now but my father has been pursuing his dream to hit it big ever since I could remember. Since elementary school, we moved around so much because we were getting kicked out. Talk about insecurities...always afraid we would have to move because my parents couldn't make rent. Oh my...I could go on and on...but basically, my dad didn't have a real job, he made my mom quit hers because I guess he felt she didn't support his "business" and didn't want to feel unmanly. When my sister and I were old enough to work, we worked...but how much can we make while going to school and then college. even in college, my parents came to live with us. After I got married my husband who saw through all of my father's manipulation, decided that he wasn't going to be taken advantage of and stopped helping them out financially (since I quit my job to raise our kids). Last year my sister took my mom and left my dad. He eventually got kicked out and has been "homeless" for almost 6 months. He can't keep a job because he is too crazy about doing his so called "business" where he will make millions and millions of money and to use it to serve God.
Anyway, my sister and I are finally stepping up to tell my parents that they can't ruin our lives like this. My sister and I felt like they had us just so we can support them. My mom will be homeless too unless they both go out and get a job, whatever job it may be and put aside their pride.
So sorry this is so long, but what I realized is that supporting their bad decisions and habits and lifestyle cannot be love or honoring them. I wish I had more wisdom and courage to do this with my parents 10 years ago...but must tell them they need to work (the Bible says to work) and deal with the consequences. It is SOOOOOOOOO hard to carry that burden when you are so young. I know. I pray that God gives you wisdom and the Holy Spirit will guide you as you have a talk with your parents and may the Holy Spirit be with your parents to hear and understand your plea.
My prayers go out to you, Pert...may our loving GOD give you a heart of peace and wisdom to guide you...

Hi Pert
I really don't have any answers for you butjust an opinion,

I believe that when it says HONOR thy Mother and Father it means differently than becoming thiers to abuse
weather it is money wise or mentally or even physically,
I hate to bring it this way but I think this will give you insight to what I mean
Imagine a daughter being sexually abused by her father.....should she just continue and let him abuse her because she is supposed to "honor" him, NO absolutely not!
He is not following what HE should do as a father so therefore she is not wrong to "not" honor him
Just as lyl1114 has put it about her and her sister they cannot allow the parents to destroy thier lives due to bad choices

Now I am in NO way saying that a child should turn thier back on a parent in need (I mean they DID raise them) BUT there is a difference.

God bless and I pray the Lord shows you the way to solve this and continue the love of family
Cuc

Thank you all for your comments and prayers. I really needed that!

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15)

Reading these words has helped me to forgive, but I agree with much that has been said. I cannot continue to allow my life to be ruined and devastated.