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Quit drinking...smoking...Trying to stop eating...Can't seem to start exercising....Got out of my ex's house and moved back home....Still haven't found a job and don't have motivation to try harder to attain one....Have been wanting desperately to go to church but have yet to get there...Wish I could go back to school but won't ever be able to pay for that...The list could go on...
I feel awful in every way. So weak. It is all that I can do to hold back my tears and pretend that I am okay. But, I'm not. I am completely depressed...so burdened with my fears and insecurity and overwhelmed with the feelings of failure and regret. My life should be so much different than what it is, so much better. I know though, that I am here because of the poor choices I have made and the lack of making any choice at all. I've accomplished nothing...certainly none of my hopes, dreams, and plans; nor the things that I know God had for me.
Even when things are going well, I'm positive within me that they won't stay that way and that I have nothing to look forward to. Always expecting the bottom to fall out. No bright future. Anymore I don't see anything actually. Sometimes I momentarily imagine a happier me, a happier life. Then I quickly push that out of my mind and remind myself of the truth.
Even when I was as close as I ever was to God, and things were much better than they are now, I still felt like this. I've never been able to shed this gloom off of my shoulders. It's always there eating at me and I can't take it much longer. I feel as though I want to simply evaporate and be forgotten. I've always had this incredible negativity and the ability to see everything with darkened vision. Any good mood or happiness doesn't last very long and is replaced by gloom and self pity. I hate it but I can't change it. I've tried to let God take it but it's always there. My heart is always heavy and I don't always know why. The worst of all of this though is that I bring everyone else down and don't enjoy my loved ones. I try to stay away from people for the most part. I've never been very social, I'm only quiet and awkward and boring. And I feel that I only hurt people eventually. It makes me feel so cold and makes me hate myself that much more. I ask God to take this from me but I suppose I don't know how to let it go. Maybe I'm simply afraid to. Too afraid of the change. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I want to get closer to God but I think that I hold back simply because I'm sure I'll only fail and fall away again and be lost forever. But I'm lost anyway for holding back and condemning myself. I just can't take that step.

Hello Killingmesoftly

God bless you this day. It is good to see you again.

I'm still loving the reminder to the Roberta Flack song, a song that has spoken to me for many decades.

Speaking of songs and music -- on March 1st you wrote this:

I used to listen to nothing but Christian music. Then I just stopped one day and avoided it altogether.
Two days ago someone posted a video on facebook of youth doing a flash mob to a Christian song...praising God.

Seeing those kids worship and hearing the worship song...well I guess God used that to call on me. To remind me of how I used to praise Him and show me how far I really had fallen. I've hardly talked to Him or said a prayer let alone worship.
So I turned the radio on to my favorite Christian station and have been listening to it all day every day. I had forgotten how much I loved it and how good it makes me feel. I had forgotten how listening to these songs speaks to my soul and moves me. So many of them that I've been hearing seem that they were sung just for me, God speaking to me through them. Or they seem as though they're saying what's in my heart because I'm not able to.

Listen to the music, Killingmesoftly...listen to it. Start out with Roberta Flack's song, then put on some of the songs that are considered Christian, and praise Him.

When the darkness around us is so very dark, the darkness will whispers lies and will also twists things having us hold on to the darkness for fear that those in the light will want too much, too soon, from us. God wants you to feel His peace, and to heal you. Don't allow the other thoughts to con you out of what God has for you.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

Remember, Killingmesoftly...REMEMBER, Jesus loves you, and that is Truth.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

I know how you feel because I just came out of prayer and I was saying some of the same things.Truly I love the lord but sometimes I feel so alone. I know the lord love's me and for that I am forever grateful but I can't seem to find that special someone. I had that person but God began to reveal that it was not his will for us to marry so we parted as friends. but in me is still that desire for a mate. God said in his word that it is not good for man to be alone and I know in what God has called me to do I can not do it without one. And right now I'm feeling rather empty. So I know what you mean about being confused. But I know that he love's us and desires us to be happy so in that I must rest.Weeping may endure for a night but joy will come in the morning. My prayer for you is that you hold on because help is on the way.

Satan I forbid you to take the minds of those you are trying to destroy, you have no right here in their lives, I cast you from there heart and mind....Lord come give these sons and daughters peace fullfill them with your spirit. We know all the bad thoughts are not of you Lord everyday I have to renew my mind more than once a day. Lord you are Holly and we are trying to be more like you please carry us through these hard times Pour your blood over us in your name Jesus
AMEN

AMEN

I can completely relate to the good moods not lasting very long..Unfortunately I'm still in denial about the fact I've been diagnosed with Bipolar (Mixed) type. One week I'll be great and feel "normal" and the next I'm in a pit of hell like this week, today being horrible. I joined today to try to get some support in dealing with my "pit" moods as I call them...so, reading your post helps me to know I'm not alone. Thank You for your post...

Hope

Me softly I have got to ask this question, did you go through something tramatic when you where a Child? Did you have to face something bad in your Childhood? Sometimes we see things dark when we had to face adversity in our Childhood.
See the enemy will speak to us and remind us of those things, he will tells us that it was our fault and keep us in the dark place with his whispers. If you did go through something, and you have put it way back in your mind and tried to avoid it. That's were you have to face up and tell the enemy to flee and believe that what happened is in the past. If you are hurting because someone hurt you, make peace with it and forgive and go on. Jesus is the answer.... he understands what we went through and he understand how we must get past it but sometimes we have to face it head on and let go of it. Give it to Jesus, let go and be a Child of GOD that is who you are. You don't have to give any excuses for once being close to GOD, guess what he never left you....... he still there and all you have to do is call on his name. If you have sinned all you have to do is reprent and you are forgiven. He died for our sins and if we stray away, all we have to do is go back and stay with him. Read John 3:16. Love Your Sister in Christ Gabrielle.

i have felt that same way... when i see other people that my age doing so much better then me i get sad cause that couldve been me..., be im learning that God doesnt make ant mistakes n he wont put more on you then you can bear....just cont to ask God to give you the power to make it.... it just a minor set back for a MAJOR come back!!!!...
im praying for you!!!

I really am blessed by all your responses, thank you. I realize I am quite late in responding back, I just haven't been on here at all this past month.
And yes I did go through a lot as a child. A lot of traumatic things happened in a short period of time and ever since then, I just sort of shut down. I've come a long way but then again as I look inside, I know that I still have so far to go. As much as I've tried to deal with everything from my past and as much as I thought I had...I can't let it all go. It still pains me so much. Anymore I just try not to think about it.
I seem to only be able to make small steps here but I guess at least I do take steps. I'm working my way to where I need to be slowly but surely. Actually just last week I was breaking down and I prayed and God opened my eyes up to something that really helped me see things more clearly about myself. So I'm moving forward

Sister,
You sound very depressed and not eating will only make it worse. Go to your local health clinic and see a doctor right away. With the right medication, you will be able to pray, pray, and pray. With a sincere prayer will come a lifting of your burdens, but that is only the first step. Now, read from the words in red and see what Christ wants you to know. As you read, you will grow closer to God and with every prayer you will feel the sweet blessed peace that only he can give. The third step is to go to church. Don't be discouraged if you don't feel God in the first church, just go to another. Pray about it and God will lead you to the right church.

I have been there and done that. I have battled depression for the last ten years, but each time I start getting down, I reach out to God and with each battle I get stronger. Depression is not a mental disease, but a physical disease. Just as you would get medication for the measles, go get medication for depression and then let the great doctor heal you emotionally and spiritually. May you find the peace that God gives. grandma

I've been where you are & I know that sometimes it "feels" like it is never going to end but that's just Satan spreading his lies. Satan loves it when we beat ourselves up. Work on the Stepping Stones program & put your focus on Christ & I know you will see a big change (for the better) in your life!!! You have so much ahead of you DON'T let Satan steal it away from you. God loves you & has so much good in store for you. He sent His only Son to die on the cross so we could be forgiven & He wants us to live in victory NOT defeat!!!
God Bless

Keep on Prayin!

Hi killingmesoflty
Yes, I agree with what everyone has said on this post. I would like to say to you , that we are all human, and we all feel different levels of the pain that this world has to offer. Although not everyone can completely relate on every level to exactly what you are feeling.......there are plenty of people who do, and who have been, or are in the exact same situation that you find yourself in....
For starters, the simple fact that you came here shows to God and to yourself that you DO expect a change in your life, and that you DO have hope (somewhere deep inside) that God has a way out for you. The Holy Spirit's symbol is a candle flame....you have that flame burning inside of you...it wants to grow...and no matter how much you , or satan tried to extinguish that light...It will not stop burning inside of you...God wants to cause that light to shine brighter than ever before! There are several things that one can say to you to encourage you, as others have done..which I hope that you take to heart....I would like to add an encouragement as well... For all of those that believe that Jesus Christ is Lord He has a place in Heaven for us..if it was not true He would not have told us! "Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city."Revelation.22:14
".......Come! Whoever is thirsty, let him come, and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." Rev 22:17.......let me describe your forever home for you......"The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass. I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and he Lamb is its lamp." Rev 21--21_23
" God will wipe every tear from (killingmesoftly's)eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the order of things has passed away." Rev 21:4