Day 6
Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:56 pmBeen spending time in my garden quietly contemplating what I need to do through identification of my weeds. I had am amazed at a thing that has start to transpire while doing this, my Daughter has been staying after I come home from work to just talk with me. Her & I have a relationship interrupted. She was forced to move in with her Dad who lived in Ca when she was only 9 years old. Leaving behind her baby Brother, myself & my Husband ( who was truly a Father figure to her ). She came back when she graduated high school. I missed out on so much because of the physical distance. But through the turmoil of her 2 grandmas fighting over her, we ( her & I ) managed to cling together as best we could. Now twice she has taken the time to just sit & talk candidly with me, woman to woman. She has since her return brought up her view that my mothering her is not what she wants ( like when she was a child) it took me a while to understand that it wasn't necessarily the "mother" that she meant, but more the way I was going about it. I must redefine my relationship, not as the mother of a small child, but as the mother of a young woman. I guess I was still clinging to the idea of making up for lost time. But just the fact that she has at this time chosen to spend time with me like this is in my heart Gods hand gently guiding me on my journey down my healing path. My heart is filled with hope again.
And she has also helped me to explore my relationships of which I spoke about in my day ! "confessions". Painful at times and not the easiest of conversations, but so well worth the effort. And because of her I have been able to identify 2 major weeds that have creep-ed in under the radar so to speak. Oddly enough the one that should be my priority is fear. This has caused so much pain for me & it is rooted in my very beginning of life. Before I was even 1 year old I had a fear & mistrust of people. Don't take me wrong, adoption is a wonderful thing to happen. But us human being have many senses, even at birth. And don't ask me how I know this, but I knew the sting of rejection at my birth. I knew that the person I was intimately familiar with did not want me. My infant brain could not translate the feelings into words, but my infant heart knew.
It is odd talking about this, looking back I now understand one of the stories I grew up hearing from Mom & Dad. It goes like this: When they drove down ( it was a long trip by car ) to see me for the first time, they were told what house to go to & on what road. When they arrived there were 8 children running around in front of a sod house. A lady who spoke no English opened the door & took them into see me. They noticed the dirt floor & no glass panes in the windows, the stove was fireplace. On the table under the window was a wicker basket, I was in it. Once they finalized everything & went to take me home, they were surprised at the circumstances...every time Mom would try to feed me or hold me I would cry uncontrollably, but when Dad would hold me I was calm. So Mom had to drive.
Weed #1 fear.
Weed #2 mistrust.
And my journey goes forward !
In Gods Love & Strength Always,
4getmenot
And she has also helped me to explore my relationships of which I spoke about in my day ! "confessions". Painful at times and not the easiest of conversations, but so well worth the effort. And because of her I have been able to identify 2 major weeds that have creep-ed in under the radar so to speak. Oddly enough the one that should be my priority is fear. This has caused so much pain for me & it is rooted in my very beginning of life. Before I was even 1 year old I had a fear & mistrust of people. Don't take me wrong, adoption is a wonderful thing to happen. But us human being have many senses, even at birth. And don't ask me how I know this, but I knew the sting of rejection at my birth. I knew that the person I was intimately familiar with did not want me. My infant brain could not translate the feelings into words, but my infant heart knew.
It is odd talking about this, looking back I now understand one of the stories I grew up hearing from Mom & Dad. It goes like this: When they drove down ( it was a long trip by car ) to see me for the first time, they were told what house to go to & on what road. When they arrived there were 8 children running around in front of a sod house. A lady who spoke no English opened the door & took them into see me. They noticed the dirt floor & no glass panes in the windows, the stove was fireplace. On the table under the window was a wicker basket, I was in it. Once they finalized everything & went to take me home, they were surprised at the circumstances...every time Mom would try to feed me or hold me I would cry uncontrollably, but when Dad would hold me I was calm. So Mom had to drive.
Weed #1 fear.
Weed #2 mistrust.
And my journey goes forward !
In Gods Love & Strength Always,
4getmenot