day 1 my confessions or list....
Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:46 pmI froze just trying to do this...wow I never realized how deep my fear is until just this moment. I am the adopted Daughter of 2 wonderful people, whom sadly have been gone for a while now. I have been dealing with the abandonment feeling ever since they left. Mom was a head strong woman, who had some serious mental & emotional issues through out my life. She was very jealous of me,and controlling of me. and I never understood it. So we had a very strained relationship most of my life. She was also very competitive & dollar driven. We were close briefly during my jr high & high school years, but sadly it disappeared back into her trying to control me after I married my first Husband. She took ill and my Father & I cared for her until her time was done.
The memories I have are just here & there of Mom. She was busy a lot or so it seemed. I remember her cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, chasing me with the vacuum ( I was afraid of it ), I played a lot outside, or in my room, I had a vast pretend world to keep me occupied. I remember Mom crying a lot...I could hear her from my room. I also remember her being terribly ill and had a big bandage on her neck. She also yelled a lot....I felt like an intruder even as a baby I could feel that emotion.
Its weird I have just the opposite kind of memories about my Dad. I remember as an infant I could fit right in the dip between his ribs for a nap & listen to his heart beat. He was always there, despite working 2 or 3 jobs for most of my baby years. He taught me how to climb a tree, he built a play house out back. I also remember sitting on the garage floor & playing with wood blocks as a baby, and riding in a basket rigged to the ridding mower while Dad did the lawn. Dad was consistent not just with his family, but his friends as well. A warm smile, a hug or a hand shake, time for conversation. One thing I always remember him saying..." I always start people in my heart at 100%, where you end up is your choice".
I also cared for My Dad in his days of illness & walked with him until the moment God opened the door for him to go home.
I also have a brother, adopted as well. I was not a very good sister to him when we were young. ( I felt Mom was trying to replace me because I was "never good enough". As we became grown ups I tried to make amends, but he had already gone down a path I refused to follow of alcohol & drub abuse. I refused because my cousin who was also my best friend ( we were inseparable)had gone down that path & committed suicide ( this was 6 years of terrible heartbreak, watching her disappear ) Now my brother lives in a different state, left his wife & children behind. and I haven't spoken to him in oh so long because I fear him...he has hurt me & my family so many times.
As for myself, I divorced my first Husband, and yes we had a Daughter. She was & is my saving grace. I did remarry 24 years ago to a patient & kind man & we had a Son, he is disabled, he is Autistic, Non verbal, & hearing impaired. And a joy to us. Little did I know that the joy of our family being completed would bring the ire & wrath of my X & his family, Our family was torn apart December 28th 1991..when my Daughter was forced to live with her father in another sate. there was never any concrete evidence for this to have been. Even after all these years, when my Son in Law read the whole court file he agreed.
Now I sit here and look at my current issues & they seem so small in comparison to the storms already weathered, but they are just as important. My husband and I took a huge financial hit with the down turn of the economy, and haven't recovered yet. We live in the home my Dad left us, but are struggling to make the payment, and the bill collectors are calling relentlessly everyday. Our jobs don't pay enough yet we work so hard. And the stress has taken a toll on our marriage too. And as silly as it seems I look in the mirror each morning wondering who the heck is that looking back at me? I feel as if I am not aging as gracefully as I had hoped.
In Gods Love & Strength Always,
4getmenot
The memories I have are just here & there of Mom. She was busy a lot or so it seemed. I remember her cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, chasing me with the vacuum ( I was afraid of it ), I played a lot outside, or in my room, I had a vast pretend world to keep me occupied. I remember Mom crying a lot...I could hear her from my room. I also remember her being terribly ill and had a big bandage on her neck. She also yelled a lot....I felt like an intruder even as a baby I could feel that emotion.
Its weird I have just the opposite kind of memories about my Dad. I remember as an infant I could fit right in the dip between his ribs for a nap & listen to his heart beat. He was always there, despite working 2 or 3 jobs for most of my baby years. He taught me how to climb a tree, he built a play house out back. I also remember sitting on the garage floor & playing with wood blocks as a baby, and riding in a basket rigged to the ridding mower while Dad did the lawn. Dad was consistent not just with his family, but his friends as well. A warm smile, a hug or a hand shake, time for conversation. One thing I always remember him saying..." I always start people in my heart at 100%, where you end up is your choice".
I also cared for My Dad in his days of illness & walked with him until the moment God opened the door for him to go home.
I also have a brother, adopted as well. I was not a very good sister to him when we were young. ( I felt Mom was trying to replace me because I was "never good enough". As we became grown ups I tried to make amends, but he had already gone down a path I refused to follow of alcohol & drub abuse. I refused because my cousin who was also my best friend ( we were inseparable)had gone down that path & committed suicide ( this was 6 years of terrible heartbreak, watching her disappear ) Now my brother lives in a different state, left his wife & children behind. and I haven't spoken to him in oh so long because I fear him...he has hurt me & my family so many times.
As for myself, I divorced my first Husband, and yes we had a Daughter. She was & is my saving grace. I did remarry 24 years ago to a patient & kind man & we had a Son, he is disabled, he is Autistic, Non verbal, & hearing impaired. And a joy to us. Little did I know that the joy of our family being completed would bring the ire & wrath of my X & his family, Our family was torn apart December 28th 1991..when my Daughter was forced to live with her father in another sate. there was never any concrete evidence for this to have been. Even after all these years, when my Son in Law read the whole court file he agreed.
Now I sit here and look at my current issues & they seem so small in comparison to the storms already weathered, but they are just as important. My husband and I took a huge financial hit with the down turn of the economy, and haven't recovered yet. We live in the home my Dad left us, but are struggling to make the payment, and the bill collectors are calling relentlessly everyday. Our jobs don't pay enough yet we work so hard. And the stress has taken a toll on our marriage too. And as silly as it seems I look in the mirror each morning wondering who the heck is that looking back at me? I feel as if I am not aging as gracefully as I had hoped.
In Gods Love & Strength Always,
4getmenot
