my problem now FINALLY
Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 1:33 pmso... entry 2. My goal with these journal entries is to build the courage to face certain problems and to gain the insight and strength to do what's right for my sons and for me. My pride as I spoke about yesterday is a major part of my inability to do this effectively, and fear. I'm here to find the words, but once I do that it becomes real.
See, I'm sitting here staring at the screen!! Not knowing where to start and thinking I won't, I'll just talk about something else. But I know that God led me to do this, at THIS time for a reason. See I thought I had started to get things back to where they should be. My parents started to get along with my hubby, started to reignite my friendships. Despite that I had an instinct something wasn't right but I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking, it's hormones! because God knows my hormones really have made things crazier. Still, my hubby seemed strangely ... distant to me, vaguely so. I started to worry he might be seeing someone. I got jealous of a woman he was working with, he reassured me. I moved on. Then I discovered he had opioids, I'm not going to rehash how i found that out here. He reassured me, it's just a one time thing Deb, stress, I need sleep, I'm sorry. I prayed to trust him and move on. After all, he functions at a job that requires a lot of mental effort. If there was a real problem he couldn't function right? I'd notice the money? I prayed, and this feeling of uneasiness came and went, and came back again.
I felt a strong urge to check up on a certain investment we had. I resisted, it's not really mine anyway, all this is hubby's stuff that he acquired. But I did, and after a little digging realized something wasn't right immediately. It was like being hit with a truck. I knew I'd have to confront him, I felt my mind spin. I wished I could have just let it alone! I prepared mentally and spiritually and got it out. He started to tell me he was giving cash regularly to his brother to care for his father who is ill. I questioned him, he was mailing them hundreds of dollars? No no, see, he was handing it over. When was this handover happening exactly? I never heard about it!.. this went on, and at one point, my husband's carefully controlled demeanor, because it is almost always very controlled, even when he's arguing, cracked, suddenly, out of nowhere, and in a blinding second he was in my face *telling me* I'd better leave it alone. I'd never been so scared in my life. I'd never seen this temper from him, didn't even know it was there. Since I'm putting this out there, please don't get me wrong, he did not hurt me. I was afraid, in the moment, he might, that is all. He is almost always, like I said, very controlled, kind, and so on.
Now I am at a standstill. What should my next move be? I am praying for wisdom, for strength, for the humility not to brush this away for another time. God is with me.
I can't believe I was able to get that out. I believe with the Lord all things can be conquered. I am hopeful! I only need a plan, some place to start.
See, I'm sitting here staring at the screen!! Not knowing where to start and thinking I won't, I'll just talk about something else. But I know that God led me to do this, at THIS time for a reason. See I thought I had started to get things back to where they should be. My parents started to get along with my hubby, started to reignite my friendships. Despite that I had an instinct something wasn't right but I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking, it's hormones! because God knows my hormones really have made things crazier. Still, my hubby seemed strangely ... distant to me, vaguely so. I started to worry he might be seeing someone. I got jealous of a woman he was working with, he reassured me. I moved on. Then I discovered he had opioids, I'm not going to rehash how i found that out here. He reassured me, it's just a one time thing Deb, stress, I need sleep, I'm sorry. I prayed to trust him and move on. After all, he functions at a job that requires a lot of mental effort. If there was a real problem he couldn't function right? I'd notice the money? I prayed, and this feeling of uneasiness came and went, and came back again.
I felt a strong urge to check up on a certain investment we had. I resisted, it's not really mine anyway, all this is hubby's stuff that he acquired. But I did, and after a little digging realized something wasn't right immediately. It was like being hit with a truck. I knew I'd have to confront him, I felt my mind spin. I wished I could have just let it alone! I prepared mentally and spiritually and got it out. He started to tell me he was giving cash regularly to his brother to care for his father who is ill. I questioned him, he was mailing them hundreds of dollars? No no, see, he was handing it over. When was this handover happening exactly? I never heard about it!.. this went on, and at one point, my husband's carefully controlled demeanor, because it is almost always very controlled, even when he's arguing, cracked, suddenly, out of nowhere, and in a blinding second he was in my face *telling me* I'd better leave it alone. I'd never been so scared in my life. I'd never seen this temper from him, didn't even know it was there. Since I'm putting this out there, please don't get me wrong, he did not hurt me. I was afraid, in the moment, he might, that is all. He is almost always, like I said, very controlled, kind, and so on.
Now I am at a standstill. What should my next move be? I am praying for wisdom, for strength, for the humility not to brush this away for another time. God is with me.
I can't believe I was able to get that out. I believe with the Lord all things can be conquered. I am hopeful! I only need a plan, some place to start.