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Hi all.

It was strongly recommended to me to do the 14 day program. I read it, and then stuff came up, hard stuff, and a few days later I'm getting back to day one journal entry. I think this is the perfect time for me to do this. I'm taking a little more time with this one too and not just blurt stuff out as I often do...

My relationship with God has gone through some serious ebbs and flows this past year. It all started oh, a yr and a half ago, 2 yrs ago when I decided I wanted to branch out and try new things. I'm a pastor's daughter, and for all my life I've tried to live up to my dad's expectations and my mom's examples. I lived at home and went to college, working, planning on going on a mission after I got my degree. Then I'd teach English, or something, meet the Christian man of my dreams and after a couple years start a family. At this time I was cultivating a deeper and deeper relationship with the Lord, greater sensitivity to the Spirit and finding my contentment in Him.However, I met some friends who looked at my lifestyle and balked. They said I was missing out on important experiences, experimenting, how could I know if that's what I really wanted if I never knew anything else?

At first I didn't pay attention to this, but it wore on me. I'd never tried drinking, never went on ordinary dates (my parents are advocates of courting, mostly supervised and so on!), never gave a 'serious' kiss, didn't even really get all the television show references. I felt so out of the loop! I decided that before I committed my life to my parents' vision I'd experiment, a little. After all, I knew that I could be a Christian and not buy into all of my parents ideas! I tried small amounts of alcohol, visited clubs with my friends, and decided that I'd try dating, at least a little.

That's when I met my hubby, in a coffee place I liked to hang out in and do some studying. When he asked me out I was so excited, I could think of nothing else. I was disappointed to find out he wasn't a believer, but I told him I was and he respected that... so even though it was a big taboo to me at that point, dating an unbeliever, I decided to give it a try. What harm could it do? In my case, I fell for him really quickly. After a whole week I spent all my time with him, at his lab, with his friends, at his place. I thought of little else! and he was so nice he started going to church with me.

The point is that in my pride I thought my extra special connection with God meant I could toy with the rules and come out find. See, the Lord would look out for me, He wouldn't let me get in trouble! I have learned an important lesson about humility here, and I want to take the biggest advantage of this opportunity as possible. I want to be real, with God and myself.

In the wake of my 'hasty marriage' to my hubby I lost friends. They were nice, but surface nice. I realized that's how I was too, interested in my self righteousness though I didn't know it. I've had to do a harsh self examination that the hardest thing for me wasn't the sins I engaged in, and the distance from God that came from that, but that I disappointed people. They looked at me and knew I wasn't the perfect, pure pastor's daughter. And that has made it hard for me to ask for help. Instead of having faith in the atonement and God's mercy I've obsessed about what everyone thinks. I've wanted to put a veneer on things so that everyone things despite this last failing things are as good as they could be. That I'm being a good little wifey witnessing in my quiet, submissive spirit and that everything is going to be great. Yes I can handle twins on my own! It's all great, wonderful.

See that pride is so tricky! inside I want to scream 'help! I'm so scared, things are not well, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I'm facing a monster and I'm terrified!' and instead I smile and make pleasantries and hope that my ex friends might be won over again.

This is my problem. Thanks all.

Hi deborah,
Being a mother is hard. So being a mother of twins must be twice as hard. Don't be afraid to ask for help. My sister has twins and if she didnt ask for help we wouldnt know anything was wrong. She keeps us updated in her own time because usually when I call she says I got to put the babies down, I'm feeding the babies or I cant talk now. But I know the day will come when she says can you come over I need some sleep. I will be just excited that I actually got to spend some alone time with the twins. (alone as in her in the next room.) So don't be afraid to ask for help. Your a mom of twins people are waiting by the phone wanting you to call out to them. I'll be praying for ya.

luvs
danty

Good morning Deb,
I just wanted to reassure you, I am the father of twins and they are now 14 but when they were toddlers
me and my wife decided that due to my pay rate and hers that I could stay home with them and it would be better all the way around, kids being with a parent almost 24-7, no baby sittin cost or daycare and I took care of the home as well
I was scared to death but God had this in his plan and I didn't realize it (this was before I came back to the Lord) the reason I say that is I was working for a company that I had been with for 7-8 years and in this time I tried to be a good employee...only to be used and abused by them, long story short my babies got sick and we (my wife and I) shared time off to get them better no sooner did we get them over chicken pocks they got some kinda virus and was sick again for another week or so we shared the time again, I was given probation upon returning and that was fine but they refused to give me a date I put in for 2 months in advance and had reservations where I would loose $200!!!
doing 5 peoples jobs...done, working 12 hour days because no one else would work over at all...done, make me choose between my kids, wife and our anniv. NOT COOL NOT DONE!!!!! I QUIT!!
it was the best choice I could have made I was a stay home dad for about 4 years from when they were about a year and a half old and I loved it, took care of them as well as a 4 bedroom house laundry and cooking BUT me and the wife had an understanding when she came home it was bye bye time for me (sometimes) I put it to her like this I said when you are at work and it's time to go do you want to sit around after you clock out....no you want away quick...she understood
everybody says "I don't know how you do it" because there were 2 it's not as bad as most think....now you start talking 3,4,or more yes I don't know how they do it, I actually had one about 4 years older than the twins but it still was not bad.

Ok now as for the other part of your note and please do not take this personal, I have a VERY good friend that is married to the pastor's daughter and she as well is a good friend (her Father was the pastor when I came back to the church)
It just irratates the heck out of me how people catigorize others, Pastors and thier families, political people, and hollywood stars and musicians.....NEWS FLASH... they are ONLY humans JUST LIKE US!!! they have weakness, they have troubles, and they are NOT imortal!!

I've had to do a harsh self examination that the hardest thing for me wasn't the sins I engaged in, and the distance from God that came from that, but that I disappointed people. They looked at me and knew I wasn't the perfect, pure pastor's daughter.

The only one you need to worry about is God and you I'm sure have ask for His forgiveness in this, I'm sorry to put this out like this but do you REALLY want those kinda friends back or do you want to find new ones that will not turn thier backs on you for making a mistake.
You are a daughter of God and He forgives ALL sins when asked and He FORGETS them as well, but you ARE human, and I pray you know and remember these things, please know that we will lift you in prayer here at the oasis.
May God wrap His loving arms around you and keep you safe
Cuc

ty danty and cuc! Yes I'm learning that guess what, I need help too! I'd better get over it.

cuc yes... it's true about the friends, but i start feeling isolated and lonely and that's what I do. Also about the categorization of people! It IS silly...