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So here I go again this time it will all be in one post.
Day 1

I am tired of the loneliness. I am single for the first time in just over 10yrs. I have been single almost a year. But that is a whole nother can of worms. I have felt like Moses wondering the desert for the past 10yrs. So many things I should have done or not have done. I am tired and need to change. I need to really come to depend on Jesus and try to become the bride of Christ. My heart is so small and fragile that only God can handle it. This is about my 3rd time trying this and hope I can finally make it through. I have not been doing what I should and need to change my ways. Draw closer to God. I have not been thinking proper. I keep wanting to go back to old behavior and have been doing my best to keep temptation at bay. Even taken some drastic measures to make sure I am not tempted. Nothing harmful to myself or anything.

I keep thinking if I do that or act like this he will want to be with me again. I know that right now it won't happen and part of me keeps hoping. I don't remember my dreams and when I do I write them down. Well I had one that I was able to write down. I was back together with my ex and we were walking and ran into Jesus, I knew it was him by the feeling he radiated. We spoke with out minds and he said he was happy I was with him again and that is was meant to be. That I needed to work on myself and things would work out. But in real life that is not how things are. I am not doing what I need to do for myself. I know that until I do I will not be good in a relationship. I have been grieving this lost love for so long now. I need to move past the grieving and work on my relationship with Jesus and soon I will be about to receive the love from the right one. Through these next 14 steps I hope to come to terms with all the hidden pain in my heart and learn to live on my own. I have never really been alone in my life. I mean aside from knowing that God is always there I mean in this world. This is my first time and its scary but I know in the end it will make me stronger.

As I write this I am listening to the hymn "Yield not to temptation", my favorite part is Ask the Savior to help you,
Comfort, strengthen and keep you;He is willing to aid you,He will carry you through." I havent song this hymn in some time, I hope that you find comfort in the lyrics.
I don't even want to say I can imagine what you must feel, because I know I can't. I broke up with my ex of a year and found myself here the same way. It's only been a month, but I do feel a whole lote better. I too realize that I need to work on my own self, if I am ever going to be in the type of relationship that God desires for me. I have faith that can move the state of NY, i know my ex and I will be together again. Like you, I feel this is what God wants. Do i want to be with my ex now? Yes! Do I know I am not ready? Yes!
Every day I pray that God heals my heart and that he heals my relationship. I told God very frankly, "I don't want to be back with my ex until I am healed and I can be a better person." Who knows how long this will take, but if God has placed something in your heart, He will see you through it. I admire that you keep coming back and I trust that this time you see the changes within that you know God desires of you.
I am praying that God heals your from deep within and that in time your relationship is healed as well. I will also pray for your ex and trust that you are praying for him too. God doesn't want to just change you, He desires to change both of you, to heal and change your relationship, your lives! Keep believeing!
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Hello FFFW,

Good to see you back on this path sis!

From reading your post, I sense you are trying so hard to be the perfect bride of Christ . It is admirable and shows how much you love the Lord to do your best that u can possibly do. If i may lovingly remind you sis, in HIs eyes u are already perfect... just as you are . Focus on that fact. His love is not like ours that sets conditions "If i do this or that He will see me worthy to take me back" (my quote from a place in my walk not too long ago) He meets us right where we are and we cannot "earn" a love that is freely given. Thank U Lord for that

Grace and unconditional love are the most wonderful gifts that He gives us.

Blessings on your journey!

♥Jill