My journal entry #5
Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 3:28 pmWhile I continue to weed my garden -- I do see it would be helpful to name the weeds.
I can see I bought a big bottle of selfishness, and dumped it into my garden. And there were many ingredients in that bottle of selfishness --
Self affirmation & satisfaction -- seeking attention from others to fill that big void inside (that only Jesus could fill)
Approval addiction -- seeking to try to please everyone and not putting Christ first.
With my poor self esteem, satan was able to put all kinds of thoughts into my mind, and I didn't have the self control (or want at the time) to turn toward the Lord. I sure made it easy for satan to plant all sorts of sin ideas in my head -- and I ran ahead with almost all of them -- lying, cheating, lusts -- anything that put my own wants in front.
In the last 5 years, I've found I need to immerse myself in the Lord every single day -- it helps me remember every single day how much God loves me and that he sent Jesus to die for my sins. I need to read the bible, do my devotionals, listen to Christian music, continually turning myself to others -- loving my neighbor -- instead of concentrating on the pain I have inside. Because when I concentrate on the pain inside, I'm concentrating on ME -- but when I concentrate on the Lord, and care for others, my own pain is diminished. As I've grown closer to the Lord, I've still held onto the shame of my past actions. This is still perhaps the love of self and approval addiction -- wishing my sinful past wouldn't have happened. But, it did, and I need to learn to have God use me in spite of my self . . . Learn to love myelf & see me how God sees me so I can do all the things He has in store for me. It's not enough to sit around & pray for the rapture to take me away from this mess and my feelings (yep, I've done that!), but to embrace life now - live it to the fullest for Him -- He will open more doors than I could ever think possible if I allow Him to work for me.
On a positive note - my husband is turning his thoughts/mind to the Lord also w/ our communication issues. He is a Christian also -- but like me, has many wounds & weeds in his garden. We are two people w/ lots of baggage in our many suitcases. With both of us looking toward the Lord for guidance . . . . and wanting to stay married -- we are believing we can work through this communication stuff. Also, I think if I begin to love myelf more, and am able to forgive myself, I'll be able to free up more of myself to be more loving & caring to him.
I can see I bought a big bottle of selfishness, and dumped it into my garden. And there were many ingredients in that bottle of selfishness --
Self affirmation & satisfaction -- seeking attention from others to fill that big void inside (that only Jesus could fill)
Approval addiction -- seeking to try to please everyone and not putting Christ first.
With my poor self esteem, satan was able to put all kinds of thoughts into my mind, and I didn't have the self control (or want at the time) to turn toward the Lord. I sure made it easy for satan to plant all sorts of sin ideas in my head -- and I ran ahead with almost all of them -- lying, cheating, lusts -- anything that put my own wants in front.
In the last 5 years, I've found I need to immerse myself in the Lord every single day -- it helps me remember every single day how much God loves me and that he sent Jesus to die for my sins. I need to read the bible, do my devotionals, listen to Christian music, continually turning myself to others -- loving my neighbor -- instead of concentrating on the pain I have inside. Because when I concentrate on the pain inside, I'm concentrating on ME -- but when I concentrate on the Lord, and care for others, my own pain is diminished. As I've grown closer to the Lord, I've still held onto the shame of my past actions. This is still perhaps the love of self and approval addiction -- wishing my sinful past wouldn't have happened. But, it did, and I need to learn to have God use me in spite of my self . . . Learn to love myelf & see me how God sees me so I can do all the things He has in store for me. It's not enough to sit around & pray for the rapture to take me away from this mess and my feelings (yep, I've done that!), but to embrace life now - live it to the fullest for Him -- He will open more doors than I could ever think possible if I allow Him to work for me.
On a positive note - my husband is turning his thoughts/mind to the Lord also w/ our communication issues. He is a Christian also -- but like me, has many wounds & weeds in his garden. We are two people w/ lots of baggage in our many suitcases. With both of us looking toward the Lord for guidance . . . . and wanting to stay married -- we are believing we can work through this communication stuff. Also, I think if I begin to love myelf more, and am able to forgive myself, I'll be able to free up more of myself to be more loving & caring to him.
