My journal entry #3
Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:57 pmI am so thankful I found this sight. The lessons so far are so rich, biblically sound, and exactly what I need. I am so thankful for my friends who are praying for me.
Oh Lord, you know the sorrow that satan has allowed to grow and grow in my garden. I haven't allowed myself to fully accept your gift of grace. While I know grace is a gift, and I need to simply accept your gift, I've spent years trying to earn your forgiveness. Thank you, God, for sending your Son for us sinners. I don't deserve it -- no one does. I've often thought what I'll do when I first see Jesus - I'll collapse to the floor -- not feeling worthy to even be near him. I need to open my hands and accept God's grace and love.
My heart is feeling lighter today. It feels good to have a place to write my true thoughts and emotions. The Lord has blessed me with a giving, listening heart. But, that has made it difficult for me to speak out about my feelings. It's been easier to listen to others and give a kind ear, than dump all the garbage that's going on inside of me onto someone.
I'm ashamed looking back on my pride and selfishness. Sin is such a slippery slope -- it was so easy to pile on sin on top of sin on top of sin, and feel no remorse. Since re-dedicating myself to the Lord about 8 years ago, I've realized how wrong and shameful my past is. And satan sure used that to hold me down. I've thought for the last several years that I'd always feel pain. But I do know that Jesus wants me to live w/ joy.
I'm sure David always mourned the loss of his son (consequences of his sin). And I will mourn what could have been - a functional family unit instead of me marrying/divorcing/marrying/divorcing/ and remarrying this time to a Christian man. Being in a 3rd marriage is not easy, but we are placing Jesus at the center of our marriage and have been talking and working on our issues. I know God hates divorce, and even though this is my 3rd marriage, he wants me to stay married. I pray every day for our marriage.
I am thankful for feeling lighter inside today. My love goes to all -- God is so good . . .
Oh Lord, you know the sorrow that satan has allowed to grow and grow in my garden. I haven't allowed myself to fully accept your gift of grace. While I know grace is a gift, and I need to simply accept your gift, I've spent years trying to earn your forgiveness. Thank you, God, for sending your Son for us sinners. I don't deserve it -- no one does. I've often thought what I'll do when I first see Jesus - I'll collapse to the floor -- not feeling worthy to even be near him. I need to open my hands and accept God's grace and love.
My heart is feeling lighter today. It feels good to have a place to write my true thoughts and emotions. The Lord has blessed me with a giving, listening heart. But, that has made it difficult for me to speak out about my feelings. It's been easier to listen to others and give a kind ear, than dump all the garbage that's going on inside of me onto someone.
I'm ashamed looking back on my pride and selfishness. Sin is such a slippery slope -- it was so easy to pile on sin on top of sin on top of sin, and feel no remorse. Since re-dedicating myself to the Lord about 8 years ago, I've realized how wrong and shameful my past is. And satan sure used that to hold me down. I've thought for the last several years that I'd always feel pain. But I do know that Jesus wants me to live w/ joy.
I'm sure David always mourned the loss of his son (consequences of his sin). And I will mourn what could have been - a functional family unit instead of me marrying/divorcing/marrying/divorcing/ and remarrying this time to a Christian man. Being in a 3rd marriage is not easy, but we are placing Jesus at the center of our marriage and have been talking and working on our issues. I know God hates divorce, and even though this is my 3rd marriage, he wants me to stay married. I pray every day for our marriage.
I am thankful for feeling lighter inside today. My love goes to all -- God is so good . . .
