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My shy personality and my skeptical nature is wanting to hold me back but I wish to change so I will fight these urges. I tell you now, dear reader of my journal, that I am no christian nor a believer in the Bible. My upbringing began in church but drifted away nearly 10 years ago. I've never prayed to God or even recognized a Bible since. I am no same believer like you. But I am not here to fight or judge or be the normal skeptic. I am here to find a new way to live. A way to be happy.

The tipping point of my fight against my darkness came when my girlfriend left me about two months ago now. Years before I met her, connections with others felt trivial. I would rather just serve as a lightning rod for their misery and let myself suffer through out. I didn't seek friendship or love but didn't reject it. I simply lived. My happiness came only from those around me.

Speeding this up, I met my ex about a year and a half ago and felt like I found someone who accepts me and can help me accept myself. I was...happy (I know big shocker there). She became my source of happiness and I felt like I could smile and enjoy being me. Well of course that ended two months ago. I fell back into my darkness of my past. I had nothing to cling to as I stumbled down. Then I decided to do some soul searching and discover who I am and how to love who I am. Read some of the bible for the first time and discovered this cool book called Conversations with God which I know isn't the same beliefs as the bible or anything but it gives me a loving outlook at life. Regardless of my progress, I still feel like I have this darkness over me and I can't escape. I don't leave my room most of every day. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me. I always avoid contact. I feel...alone...again. Some say pray. Some say just change. Some say to just think differently. I do. I try my hardest and force myself to do new things and smile. Look where that got me. Returning to my darkness and hiding in my room. I am strong...but my darkness is stronger...

Hey stridz


Welcome aboard brother , you're in the right place .

There will be others comming along to offer some more insight . However , from what I read , both about your current situation , and the brief diescription of some of your traits , there is much hope and a way out waiting for you , though it will not (but I pray it does) happen overnight , nor is there a one shot deal that will get you out of your "situation" without any work being done . Considering the fact that you're already here in these forums , you're well on your way .

Pray with disbelief , but pray regardless , what do you got to lose . One of the reasons that some people don't "get" any answers from prayers is that they never prayed ?


Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

I can tell you are seeking so desperately for something different. You are now seeking in the right direction. He is the only one who can help you out of this. Others offer temporary solutions. But only God can truly bring joy when there is nothing to be joyful over. Keep seeking. We'll be praying for you.

Dear New Gardener,
You did not arrive here by mistake, neither did I, I will tell you this, I was unsure as you are now when I first began, my household was in an uproar, my children were bitter, there was violence in my home, how could God love me? when not even my own family could love me. You see, I once had a close relationship with him when I was younger, then I turned my back on God, and went another way. So how could he love me again, the answer my friend is that he loved me non-stop, AND HE LOVES YOU, JESUS DIED FOR YOU, TALK ABOUT LOVE, DUDE, NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU! THAT'S TOTAL LOVE! i JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT MY HUSBAND WHO DESPISED ME, HAS JUST ASKED THE LORD INTO HIS HEART, AND IS NOW DOING THESE VERY STEPS THAT YOU AND I ARE DOING, I TELL YOU GOD IS REAL, AND HE HAS HIS ARMS STRETCHED OUT FOR YOU. AS YOU GO ALONG THESE STEPS, YOU MAY FORGET TO GO DO YOUR STEP, AND THEN YOU MAY THINK, WELL I GUESS THAT'S IT! I CAN'T EVEN KEEP UP WITH THE SIMPLE PROGRAM, OR OOPS I SAID A DIRTY WORD, ITS OVER, THESE ARE LITTLE TRICKS TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP, I KNOW BECAUSE I ALMOST DID. WHEN I MISSED, OR MESSED UP, I JUST ASKED GOD TO FORGIVE ME AND KEPT ON GOING. FROM WHAT YOU SAY, I DRAW THAT YOU ARE TOUGH, SO HANG IN THERE PINE, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST RIDE OF YOUR LIFE!

Hi bro,
We do not judge here and want to say welcome.
You will find PEACE if ya hang around long enough.
Take a look at some of the studies, forums and join in chat some.
Glad to have ya.

I will say personally that the only way I find peace is my walk with HIM.

GBU

Real