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I might write every day or I might miss a day or two. I will see. I am writing this to myself and God. I don't really like the computer, even though I can use it well and can type well also. The computer is a symbol to me of disconnection, because in my life, being with people is what matters and people are too busy. I don't really like to email people or IM.`
I am journaling whatever comes to mind. I am not writing in any specific order. I am not looking for anyone's opinion on here at all. I am journaling for me. I am using the guidance of whomever wrote the bible counseling study.

I feel a little tired this morning. I like mornings but they are not fun lately. Things are empty dry and still too close to memory of mean family members recently. I wonder where God is. I have felt squirrly the past year. I wonder where GOd is.
I keep cyring out for help and leaning on His scripture that He says, He will deliver me because I love Him. It's His word< I remind myself and His word to Abraham was the cutting of the covenant in which God took the responsiblity to fufill His covenenat entirely on Him imputing to Abraham righteousness. I don't even care too much for the theology talk, but I do like that God loves me very much. I just feel left by Him. Trying to get help, help, help for too much isolation. People are too busy, the doctor that hired me was controlling in a very unhealthy way, so I left.
I love community,people, growing in faith, God, being healthy..and lately I just sit and feel paralyzed. Just last year I was traiing people in fitness and very active. Then, all my teen years came back and I felt unsafe again.
I don't like being around the people that did such harm. I just don't feel safe. Ever.
So, the jobs are plentiful here in my area, as it is the third wealthiest county in North America, but I just feel paralyzed in trying to trust. At home in the family condo, I can hardly move without being told what or how to do something, such as emptying the spaghetti pan the right way. It's ridiculous. I have to ignore it, but it undermines my sense of confidence dealing with the outside world. I am not a child, and am well past my twenties. Funny thing, I don't even like to write about this but am doing it to get it out.
I like gardens, nice boys(men with manners), structured families and programs, sports to play, walking by the ocean, making sandcastles, saving money, taking care of my things, family life, loving my friends and being loved by them.
I like drawing, talking, going to chick fil a, getting a fun haircut, putting barrettes in my hair, matching outfits, ice tea and taking care of my body, going out with safe girlfriends from church or the community. I like pastor ken's wife, she's really sweet and helpful. I like sunshine, and summer breezes and good wholesome life.
I wonder why I don't do more of those things..it seems that God has left me and I don't know how to do it by myself. I keep asking God to help me but it seem to get worse and worse. I keep praying and praying and getting rid of any sin in my life.
I say to God, help, help, help. But He just leaves me to this isolation and fear. I say help, help, God. BUt, again it's addiction of a family member at home and I want to get a safe enough job to move out so I don't feel hurt by the family member but then can have peace and pray for them from a strong point rather than an I am so numb I can't even function right point.
God you are the answer. I cry out to you. Thank you for bringing me friends, angels, and good coincidences to help me be whole.
Amen.
kelly1

These feeling you have expressed seem very overwhelming. Seems like there is no way out. These I understand. I can not say they will go away or that they will get better. I can say that sometimes even the smallest ray of light is restful. Look at it this way, you are stronger than you think. Look at the strength it took to even write this. Dont lose hope for when things are the toughest he is carring you. He promises never to leave. Yes it does feel like it yes it does feel like quick sand but think of the alternative if there was nothing there you would not even feel alone. Have hope. Look at the little things. Then they may get a little bigger.

I love the water, it has always offered me solace. I envy you for being able to see the awesomness of God in this way everyday. I make trips to the beach just to be reminded in this way.

Kelly I pray God will show his presense in your life. I pray He will move you in a way there is no doubt it is HIm. But I also pray your faith and strength say strong.