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I have been silent for several months. I'm afraid the reason I have come back is the feeling of despair I had yesterday. As I posted last time, I somehow lost my grip on the incredible sense of freedom I felt when I started my first journal/step 1. It was amazing to actually feel like I didn't have to deal with homosexuality anymore. Now I've allowed myself all the way back to thinking "I'll be like this forever". I think this despite knowing Jesus can wipe this out. I googled to find anyone who had a desire not to be homosexual as strongly as I do, and I found an incredible (and long) story about a man who was homosexual for years, had some type of demon removed from him, and is now happily married with children without any remnants of his past desires lurking in him. (the website is "christianity and homosexuality .com" with no spaces). This guy was actually far worse than me, in that he practiced homosexual acts for years.

I'm not sure what I believe in terms of his story about demons and exorcism. I'm not well-versed enough to even know what He says about this. I thought I had read something that no demon can possess us as Christians. I know they can speak to us, but I thought not possess. So, this makes me wonder about the credibility to his story, or perhaps I misinterpreted what he described as "exorcism".

Either way, the thought of having to go through something like this is, for one thing, unimaginable, and for another, not very appealing.

Quite frankly guys, it comes down to this: I ain't getting any younger. I need to either be gay or straight. I am going to have to dedicate myself to purging these demons (or whatever label you put on them; "sin" probably means the same thing, which is how I described it in previous journals). What I say next is what bothers me the most: if I can't purge the demons, or, if there really are no demons and I'm somehow bound by some sin that is burned into my soul (which sounds silly now that I say it out loud), then I will just have to be a homosexual and move on with life. Here's a few reasons that bothers me: 1. I don't want to be gay. 2. Every thing I have ever read about homosexuals shows that they have UNFULFILLING LIVES!! It's not any better! I might as well be lonely and celibate!!
So, I am going to have to jump right on step 2 and hit it. If I don't, one of you guys better be dragging me back here to do my homework!

Thanks to those of you who read this dissertation I write every so often. And most importantly, thanks for the encouragement you give me.
Merry Christmas,
arken

Hello Arken

God Bless you this day.

Arken, it was good to see you again in Chat last night. I've missed you. I'm also glad to see you posting again, and sorry to hear your struggles continue, but I have no doubt that The Lord loves you and He will make a way for you.

We do have a real enemy, and the warfare our souls have with him can feel relentless. But, you are a child of God, and are empowered with power from on High, by the indwelling of The Holy Spirit of God. Jesus is your blessed Advocate, and He loves you so very much, Arken. Hold tight to the Lord's hand, and seek Him with your whole soul.

I know we get battle weary (((hugs))) so it is very important that we reach out to one another for encouragement and allow other Believers to remind us of our inheritance in Christ Jesus here in the earth realm, and also in Heaven.

Arken, I encourage you to re-visit the CCCC Study, and then partake of all the other Studies on this site. And, keep coming back to Chat and hangout with us, listen to some sweet music and even share a sweet laugh. We also have wonderful Chat programs where we discuss God's blessed Word, which is spiritual food to our souls.

Arken, you are greatly loved. (((hugs)))

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

Praying for you and the struggle you are going through.. May God be with you through all the problems. Your being here seeking help 3 times shows God and the Holy Spirit is working in your life! Hugs

Just wanted to give you a hug bro.

God loves you. He really really loves you and has a plan for you. Keep seeking Him.

Believing in freedom for you.

Hi arken,

I read your post and just want to pass on to you what I got from it.

There is a very clear sense that your heart is set on God, but that you are having an almighty struggle with the worldly side of your soul, a side all of us have in our souls. In short, there is a massive spiritual battle going on within you, going on within all of us to various degrees.

But whether one's spiritual battles are big or small, according to human standards, is of no relevance to God whatsoever. Nothing is too big or small for Him, and He wants to help you through this.

Through His word he does not promise that such struggles will be easy, but He does promise that with persistence and with His help, they are all winnable.

I will pray to the Lord on your behalf. And in the meantime, here is a passage, including bible verses, on battling our own wordly flesh.

http://hissheep.org/deliverance/conquer ... _flesh.htm

God bless you.

Seems like every time I set out to start following the steps tomorrow, it ends up being 2 months later before I get around to it.

I must admit, through the years I continually toy with the idea of being "Gay *and* Christian". I have read many blogs and articles about the merger of the two ideas. The advocates quote scripture that are worded in a general sense.. such as "whosoever follow me" and "all are saved", etc. I understand the angle they're trying to take, but it seems too obvious that they are ignoring all the scripture that deal with this particular sin. God calls out homosexuality specifically as being far worse. I personally think that any "Gay Christian" is indeed saved, but God is trying to tell us how big of an impact this sin has on our lives.

I try to close my eyes and think if society had NO prejudice to homosexuals, and I felt completely compelled to live this lifestyle, and I still knew I would be saved by God, would I just go ahead and be gay?? I never can fully accept that. I honestly think that since I let Jesus into my heart years ago, I must still be today hard-wired to follow his most perfect plan. It goes against any Science or Blog I have read. If I take God out of the equation, I should currently be a practicing homosexual. But yet, I'm not.

I have to make bold changes in my life. I have to delve into God's word, and let Him do the work of changing my life. Not only does God say he will spew the lukewarm out of his mouth; I actually FEEL lukewarm. No wonder my life is stagnate. I have to light myself on fire (not literally for Him. Why haven't I? I would say I don't know where to start, but I know that 18 months ago I found a site called Christianity Oasis, with a simple step-by-step plan of action to follow. Maybe I should start there. Maybe I should stop doing all the talking on here, and start listening to God

Thanks to whoever is out there reading this. I hope that you can somehow benefit from it in your spirituality with the Lord.

Arken, I must first commend you for continually trying to overcome your human desires. I think that you will never be happy as a homosexual because you are a Christian and you hold that dear. Your desire to serve God is greater than your desire to serve one's desire, which is such a joy to my ears. I struggle with not signing onto facebook for a few days so I find your strenght to be inspiring. If you can struggle against something so strong, a feeling, a lifestyle- then the rest of us are either weak or not trying. You give me courage.
I can't imagine how hard it must be but I do admire your courage and desire to live by God's word. I believe God loves every one, even homesexuals and they too can be forgiven. I had a bad experience in the Church that led me to turn away from God and engage in relationship with another female. I don't think I am a lesbian but I lived like one for a few months. It wasn't hard for me to turn away because I love men but it was hard for me to forgive myself- maybe I still haven't forgiven myself. My point is though that even if its a constant struggle, just the fact that you are choosing to struggle with it is pleasing to God. Don't give up, Be persistent in prayer and focus on that which is pleasing to God and with time you will overcome.
I know you will be victorious in this battle, just lean not on your own understanding and trust God. I sleep with my Bible next to me as I am going through my own struggle now. Whenever I get overwhelmed or I feel weak, I just say "Lord speak to me" and I open the Bible to a random page and He speaks to me. No need to ask many questions or struggle with all the 'maybe's" (trust me, I know this is hard to do because i am compulsive when it comes to asking questions or trying to reason in my mind), but instead just ask God to speak to you and He will. Keep his word near to you and He will answer your prayers.
I am praying for you and I am proud of what you are doing. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace!!!

Hello again arken,

Firstly, I think you got some great insights from the previous poster. I've already posted on this thread but, at the risk of coming across as repetitive, I wish to post one more time.

It's not for me to say that no gay people will go to heaven, but I can say with certainty that there will be no unrepentant sinners there. Sure, God loves homosexuals, but He hates their homosexuality. As you said yourself, the bible makes that clear. Further to this point, I know He loves me, but I have no doubt He hates it every time impure thoughts appear in my mind, or I tell a lie, for example. In a nutshell, I must repent of these sins, say sorry to The Lord, and make it my priority to work on stamping them out of my life.

To be brutally honest, if I decided that I wanted to keep having impure thoughts about various women, and that I wanted to keep lieing for whatever reason, I could probably find some bible verses that, if looked at in a certain creative way, I could probably (mis)interpret in order to justify my sins, or to even pretend they're not even sins at all. But this would not be the actions of a repentant person, and I'd have to seriously consider whether I was saved at all.

In 1 John 1:10, it says, 'If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.'

In essence, if I was to (honestly) say, 'I sometimes have lustful thoughts, and I'm sometimes dishonest, but it pains me and I have to stamp this out with the Lord's help,' then I can feel secure in my salvation.

But, conversely, if I was to say, 'I sometimes have lustful thoughts, and I'm sometimes dishonest, but hey, that's who I am, and I don't want to change that,' well, hey, I shouldn't expect to be going to heaven. This is pretty much the same with all sins, including homsexuality.

In a nutshell, the sin itself will not stop anyone from going to heaven, as we all sin daily; it is a lack of sincere repentance that is the killer.

Sorry, I don't mean to ramble here, just trying to help. As the previous poster said, God loves that you are struggling with this. I get the impression that you are torn between the world and God, but that you want to be closer to God, and have a good understanding of His word.

Just know that I'm praying for you. I sense you have great awareness and insight that a lot of 'lukewarm' Christians wouldn't have. It's great that you are concerned about being lukewarm. I have the same concern of myself. But it's good to have this concern. The reference you made to lukewarm Christians in Revelations 3 is a warning to us all. But at the end of the passage is also the great promise of The Lord that, 'To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne.'

To conclude, that you are having this battle, and acknowledging that it is a battle, is not the sign of a lukewarm Christian. Fighting this battle that the Lord's will be done in your life is not lukewarm. Lukewarm would be giving in and not fighting our (sinful) human impulses. Lukewarm is something else; it's trying to make the Lord's word conform to us, rather than us to it. As long as you fight to let the Lord's will be done in your life, you're not lukewarm. Keep fighting, keep praying, reading His word, and you will overcome with His help.

God bless.

Hey Arken

Good to see you back .

Couldn't help it to but put in a bit of an experience I had to go through after reading this thread . A couple "things" popped in my mind .

First , from the word go , (as in having to decide on a course of action(s) ) , whenever I did something "wrong" ( by whoever's standards) , I was the one who KNEW it was wrong , and no matter who said what or did and did not do , the bottom line was that , I was the one being tormented by my actions , and that (the torment) went on for years , even AFTER the decission and achievement of complete abstinance .

After finally agreeing to someone's suggestion of "Have you tried church ?" and went , I heard the "magic" theory of what I thought was what I was looking for -- "No matter how much you have sinned , and for how long and what capacity , God will STILL forgive you " -- Man , was that music to my ears ! , and my response was , "Well , isn't God awsome , thank you for letting me know that ... if that be the case , I'll come back later !! " , and went on my merry way .
Needless to say , little that I know , that the next 20 or so years that followed , I would encounter many visits to hell and back , the last five of those years I was living in a constant fear of not being able to make it "back" and stay in hell . Ouch !!

Though what I have to say next may seem out of "content" or "off topic" , I too struggled with entertaining the what seemed to me the "nightmarish" thoughts of "will I stay an addict for the rest of my life ? ... and , even by far cry I make it to Heaven , would I STILL be an addict ? " , Answer : YES !! , ( remember the other criminal crucified next to our Lord ? ) That day , or hour even , he went to Heaven ! But , however ... to this day , he is always being remembered as a criminal .

Being an addicted Christian , or in your case being a Christian with homosexual tendencies is NOT the problem , the problem lies in us "tormenting" ourselves , which in my view is what separates me from My Lord ... and when I'm separated from Him , what do I have left ? Me !!

The key to my recovery centered upon freeing myself from myself , and the only way I found that possible is by throwing myself into His Court and Mercy resolved to accept fully whatever Sentence He sees fit to throw at me . ... That was in May of 1999 and to this day , I'm still free .

All sinners are forgiven , and are bound to Heaven , but not all get to see the Kingdom .



Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord