Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

Ok I am in a real delima here. I am trying to do everything I can to avoid conflict and save my marriage. I am even going as far as doing act of love for my wife. I just found out that she has been lieing to me from the begining of our seperation. She told me that the state came up with a figure of 285 per week is what I have to pay in child support. At the time I thought it was high and I said the numbers do not match up. She forced the issue and said that is the amount that I had to pay. I believed her and started paying her that amount. I had to goto the state this week to verify my insurance and that I was paying child support. I did and I asked to see the calculation for child support. They ran the numbers and came back with me having to pay 145 a week. This is a signifacant differance. She has minipulated me and worked my trust. Now I have to decide as to how I am going to approach this volitile situation. we have already had setbacks and I dont want any more. I have been praying over it and have not come up with any answers. My counselor suggested I make a romantic jesture out of it saying any amount is worth working on our relationship. I will continue to pay this amount if we start working on our relationship. She will not have anything to do with me right now. It has been three months now and she still refuses to work on our marriage. I dont want to make an ultimatum but I do have to say something. Just want to hear your thoughts.

Thanks

Well, has she made ANY attempts at reconciliation?

These types of situations take time to repair because the issues are so sensitive. So, she may be needing a little more time away from you just to "catch her breath". And if you start forcing any issue, it could backfire! Just tread lightly and keep praying.

On the other hand, you are not something for her to walk all over, just because the two of you have kids. The fact that she was lying to you about the child support, just to get more money from you, doesn't imply to me that she has your best interest in mind?!?!?

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

GBU

During the time that she is not willing to work with you, the best thing you can do for her is to pray for her. You can't reach her but God can! Ask God to speak to her and soften her heart. Also ask Him to show you little by little as you can handle it, ways that you can improve your relationship. If 90% of the wrong in the marriage is her and 10% is you, then you can only work on the 10%! But if she sees the difference in you, she will respond by improving by 10%! Now, your relationship in 20% better! Then you start again on your next 10%

In the meantime, have you ever done the Love Dare? It's a super book by Steve and Alex Kendrick based on the Fireproof movie. If you haven't seen the movie, you must! Their marriage was just about over and he turned it around by following the steps in the Love Dare book.

Praying for you.

What I said above is all based on my own experience. It worked. Still married - 34 years!

~K

Hi tnt,
I think I have given some opinion before on your relationship but I must say I agree with zinnia more than any other advice.
BUT I must tell you I AM in the EXACT same postion as you, I have tried and prayed for almost 2 years and done anything and ALL things I could to heal this marriage and to help her in any way
Examples:
I moved her from the home we had and lost (paying for the truck rental and gas) drove the truck and was one of only (2) people that showed to help her, when several said "oh I'll help".
I get called one day because the car I left with her (which was mine) but hers was total junk so I took the junk and gave her my good car BUT anyways she is stuck on the side of the road "it just died and won't start" so mister night in shining armor goes to the resue to find "well I tried to put this quart of oil in when leaving work because it was rattling bad this morning" (apparently the valve cover gasket had blowed and she was TOLD THIS by her mechanic and told to WATCH THE OIL......so upon hearing this I said well how long has it been since you checked it before this morning "ohhh I don't know probably a couple of WEEKS" long story short I burnt myself on the dipstick from being so overheated I went got oil put in only for it to run out on the ground I had it towed told her it's gone!!
take a day off to take her car hunting only to have my car (one I bought after the junker I had of hers gave out only months after leaving) break down so she goes with her sister the next day and buys a $15000 new car then later whines to me because she can't pay for it, I find out AFTER the fact she had filed for child support (car support) I told her she was making a big mistake she realized it and stopped it but I have been paying her 200-400 a month and yet she still expects me to pay for all the school stuff, clothes and fees and she has come to me more than twice for bills being shut off and ask for money and I have had to go to her house and repair things because she cannot get the maintenance crew to do them, and maybe here is where I should mention I make about 2/3s of what she makes because when together I asked her what she wanted me working nights and long hours for more pay or days and less hours for a whole lot less TOTALLY her choice she chose for me to work days and be more of a family man ONLY to throw it in my face later that I didn't make enough later
and I should mention here that through ALL this I keep praying and being good to her doing all I can to show I want to make this work, I even take her with us when me and the kids would go out to dinner in the "me time" with the kids.
And I am sure there is more but you get the point.
Now for the first year or so I prayed EVERY day for Gods presence and healing in our marriage as well as praying for her as an individual, I continued after that as I felt led and I talked to her about the healing of things between us only to have her say yes she wanted to see what was left between us but yet nothing ever changed.
and now after she filed for bankruptcy and is free and clear now I find out they are coming after me for the loan and through all this her attitude is "oh well"
I can go on and on BUT what is my point of this NO it's not to put her down and NO it's not for the simpathy of others here it is for the sole reason to show you all I have endured in the last 2 years and why I have endured it, is she my sole mate probably not could I be happier with someone else maybe, BUT she is my wife and I have to know I made EVERY effort to heal things between us because yes I still love her she IS the mother of my kids BUT more importantly I have to know I did all God would expect of me and I think I have and I now am at peace with myself and God in the choice that it is over.
You see I don't want to regret later "did I do everything to show her" yes I believe so.
Is this how I wanted it to end, no way but I am confident that God knows my heart and He knows I tried everything
Does this change my feelings toward her....not in a way that I would be ashamed in front of God, in other words I feel I can still be around her and do for her but it's time for a change and when He shows that change to me I am ready to accept it.
In closing all I want to say to you is don't listen to us or anyone else for that matter, listen to God and your heart and do as you think God expect you to, and in the end you will be able to rest knowing which ever way God chooses for your marriage to go that you followed his directions to the end.
I'm probably going to shock you but please do not think lowly of my wife she IS a good woman and I am to blame for our down fall.
May God give you the wisdom and the strength to follow through with His plan
Cuc