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So I am going to get really personal, and I hope you don't mind. Sorry if I sound confusing at all!

This year has been so crazy; I almost can't believe the mess that I have made. My story is kind of long, but I would love it if you could hear me out.

There have been many low points in my life, where I thought things couldn't change, or wouldn't change any time soon.
My Uncle committed suicide when I was 5 years old which was difficult for me to comprehend. I was also bullied a lot by my eldest brother from when I was really young, and I have never been close to my dad either. I struggled a lot in school because I'm slow to learn and not bright, I had a lot of friend issues all through high school, I had boyfriend issues, and of course the low self esteem issues that go with all of that. In 2006 I decided that it was about time I made a commitment to Jesus, so I decided to get baptized. There were times where I didn't want to live... but I knew that I couldn't kill myself. I wanted to be closer to God, but I struggled a lot with problems.
2008 was a pretty bad year for me.... In February that year, my Grandma and Granddad had their 50th wedding anniversary, but in March Granddad had a lot of health problems. He was admitted to hospital and spent 2 weeks in there, until one morning when he went back on life support and it got to the point where Grandma decided that his life support needed to be turned off. It was very upsetting for the whole family, and I spent a lot of time out of school. It took me a long time to get over it. Around the same time, I also lost two really close friends. Things got better towards the end of the year though....
I met Robert at youth group, on an all night camp out at our church, and him and I ended up staying up all night together. We became a couple, about 2 weeks later on the 11th of August. Rob and I have had our difficulties, but we have known from the start that God put us together at a perfect time, and we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We are unofficially engaged, until Rob finds the money to buy me an engagement ring! Rob has always been there for me, in each of my troubles. I don't know where I would be without him.

This year I found myself in quite a bit of a mess. Ever since I can remember, I have always had the need to want attention from people... and this year I certainly did that. My way of getting attention is getting deep about my personal life with people. At the start of my year, I had no idea why I had an attention seeking problem... I also didn't know how much pain it would cause. I have always liked talking to people of authority, like youth leaders... especially male youth leaders... but when I graduated High school in 2009, I also graduated Youth group, which also meant that I could no longer ask youth leaders for advice. Towards the end of last year, I started talking to our new associate pastor Kane. Kane was really good to talk to, and his advice was great. Unfortunately things got a bit out of hand this year. I ended up telling about every single problem that I have, and it sort of made me realize that my life is a real mess. From then on my life got messier... I started needing attention from Kane... if he didn't give me attention, I would freak out. Of course I still talked to Rob, but I craved answers to my problems.... then my problems became bigger problems. I got angry at myself for needing attention from him, so I ended up self harming. I mostly self harmed so that I could get attention from Kane, which also made things worse. At times, I really didn't want to live. It got to the point where Kane had to tell me that he could be my pastor and friend, but he isn't trained in counseling. He gave me some things to think about, and sent me to a lady from our church, Ruth, who used to be a councilor. Ruth became my mentor and referred me to a councilor. Eventually the councilor was able to discover why I had my attention seeking problem. She explained that because I don't get enough "good" attention from my father and brothers, I seek it in male authority figures. It made sense, and I learnt a lot about myself... but I guess none of it really helped me hugely. I struggled a lot. I soon realized that I had feelings for Kane and the thought really scared me. I told Rob of course... I felt so sorry for him, and I even gave him the chance to break up with me. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, and I knew that It was going to be ages till I got over my problems. However, Rob continued to be the loving guy he is, and be a support to me. He didn't like that I had feelings for Kane, but he had faith that I would never act on those feelings. We remained together. I fought with my problems a lot, and I was quite angry at myself. I was also trying to finish off my Diploma of Children’s Services at the time, so it was also really stressing me out. At one point I thought that I was going crazy. After a while, I decided that I needed to be honest with Kane. I e-mailed him explaining my behavior and telling him about my feelings for him. I also apologized. Surprisingly Kane replied to the e-mail, asking me if I could try to view him as a Dad and a friend. I replied , saying that I didn't think I could view him as my dad, because me and my Dad don't get along. He replied with an apology, and asked me again to view him as a friend... he also let me know that he would like to catch up soon. I sent him various texts and e-mails after that, and soon noticed that he hadn't replied to either of them. I didn't know if I was being paranoid, but I had the feeling that he was ignoring me. I was right. He came up to me one night after church, and I could tell that something was wrong. He told me that he had talked to Glenn and Don, the other pastors in my church, and they had come to the decision that Kane and I should no longer be in contact. Kane could no longer pastor me and be my friend. I was obviously upset... Rob had to deal with me crying on his shoulder all night. Thankfully Queensland Baptist ladies camp was on the coming week end, and I knew that God would speak to me there. I knew how good it was last year, and I was excited for this year. So I went along to the weekend and that is where things changed. We talked about being a slave to our problems... and how we can be set free by Jesus. By the second session, I got over my feelings for Kane, and realized that I could make my life so much better if I was positive and had more faith in Jesus to help me. So I texted Kane and told him about it all. Rob was next to know. From then on, things started looking up. So much has happened since then! Rob and I are so much closer.
The problem I am dealing with now is that I am struggling to get over my year. I got quite emotional a few weeks ago, when I realized that my year has been so bad. I often find myself thinking about how I could have handled things better. I wish that Kane and I could have our friendship back, without all of the other stuff. I have accepted that we can never be close again because of my past feelings for him... but it is still hard. So much is changing right now…. My brother is moving out of home and Rob has just gotten a part time job, which means that I don't see him on the days that we are used to. I want to be able to get over the year, and accept the change that is happening right now.

Hello Elissa,

Welcome to Oasis!

I am sorry for all the hardships that you have endured .

As far as forgetting the past, dont let the past define who you are today. The past is just that... gone. We start each new day fresh and we have the tools to move forward. While the past is tempting to re engage in our minds and all the what if's scenario's we play out in our mind, we can never change it. But we can learn from the past with healthy mental reflection and His guidance. (By healthy I mean to remove all the colors of our feelings from the past and look at that situation in the Light of the Lord, seeing it for what it truly is... by looking at the past as a whole and from all parties and perspectives we are encountering in my opinion a healthy mental reflection) Hence, when situations arise in the present we have those experiences and His tools to do the best we can at that given moment. We then gain wisdom, His wisdom when we invite Him into all of our doings and seasons of life.

Acceptance... this was and still is a tuff one for me to swallow. To accept things the way the are and not trying to control the outcome (playing God) was mind boggling to me. I stated to God, "well, you do want what's best for me so that means this is the right thing and must be Your will." IN the back of my mind i am trying to convince myself that my will was His will and when it didnt happen that way, i threw a temper tantrum.

When i learned to accept things as they are as God's will, i surrendered my will and there was peace. There was not "But, God you did not hear me." or "But GOd i dont understand, dont you want to see me happy?" When in reality He knows what brings us true happiness. His Will . By doing so we are not fighting against God and stepping in the way of His perfect plan that He designed just for us.

I am rambling... dont mean to, I am hoping you can pull some of what you need to hear from Him out of this. I also encourage you, if you havent done so yet, to start the counseling steps here. What do you got to lose?

God bless n keep you always
♥Jill

There's a hole with in your heart that you are trying to fill with human attention. When Only God can fill that hole. Your spirit is seeking a close relationship that will never end and will fill ever need you have. The only only only one who can fulfill that is Jesus Christ. You are seeking Him. But keep getting caught up in trying to fill the void with a man. No man can give you the emotional stability and the self worth that you can find in God. The answer to your problem is right beside you. Yet you keep looking every where else for it as if He is not enough. You're not alone as the entire world is seeking the same thing. Seek His attention. Not just once or twice but constantly. Talk to Him about everything that is in your mind and in your life. Begin to listen for His voice in each and every situation. Invite Him to join you in everything you do.

Are you doing the steps to the counseling? They'll help you get closer to God.