Stepping Stone 1
Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:54 pmHello Everyone,
This is my first time logging on so here it goes...I'm tired of this mask that I have been wearing the majority of my life. I pray that with God's help, He will show me who I really am and be comfortable in my own skin.
I help run a sexual purity club for inner city teenage girls at my local church and God has been encouraging me to be honest with them about my life. I must admit, there are certain information that I have already revealed to them about my life but God is telling me to reveal more. However, the rebellious spirit in me is reluctant even though I know it's the right thing to do because not only is it liberating for me, but for the girls as well. It's just that I feel so ashamed over some of the things that I've done in the past, that it has affected my relationships with friends, as well as my own family. As a result, I don't feel totally realxed talking to people, including my own family and this trap that I feel like I'm in, has hindered my relationships with people and my family, including guys. I long for the day when I can take this mask off and truly be the real me! I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be someone else in order for people to like me or find me interesting.
I believe I partly feel this way is because I am a victim of incest, which is a history of it in my family for generations. I used to have sex with my oldest brother from about 9 up until about 15. The ashamed part about it is, is that even though I was ashamed of what I was doing, I didn't know how to stop it because I was enjoying it. He is four years older than me and he didn't really know, like me, how to get out of that sick rut, due to a family history of it. Even though my parents didn't sexually abuse us, my mother's father had attempted to sexually abuse my mom when she was a girl along with her own brothers, uncles and so on...
My oldest brother and I are now both Christians but never really talked about what happened except for once. My brother has shared with me, how he is very self critical of himself, even to the point where he wants to commit suicide, and he pastors a church. He is seeing a Christian counselor at the present time to help him deal with his issues. Me on the other hand, am so ashamed to talk about it and whenever I want to, I can't find anyone who I feel that I can truly trust to share it with or afraid that they will look at me differently. There are many times when I feel that I self sabatoge my own life as if I don't deserve the fullness of God's blessings, as a sort of punishment but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm soooo tired of it! Procrastination has also become my worst enemy.
Even though through the years, I have come out of my shell to push past certain fears in life, I still feel that I have not reached my fullest potential of what God has in store for me, due to this mask that I've been wearing for so many years. I feel like I've been wearing it for so long that it has become the norm for me but I can't go on like this. I did talk to my dad about the incest back in 2008 and he was very understanding and helpful.
There are so many ideas that God has given me on running the purity club and I want these girls to be able to reach their fullest potential without anything holding them back. I don't want to look back and regret not doing what God has put in my heart to do in order to help heal these girls due to my own hangups about the issues that I'm dealing with. These girls deserve God's best and I want to be real and honest with them and show them that they should never have to settle for anything less. I want that for myself as well. I don't want to go back and forth with my faith but remain steady, regardless of how my life looks in the present but to continue not to look backwards and keep moving forwards, taking one day at a time.
This is my first time logging on so here it goes...I'm tired of this mask that I have been wearing the majority of my life. I pray that with God's help, He will show me who I really am and be comfortable in my own skin.
I help run a sexual purity club for inner city teenage girls at my local church and God has been encouraging me to be honest with them about my life. I must admit, there are certain information that I have already revealed to them about my life but God is telling me to reveal more. However, the rebellious spirit in me is reluctant even though I know it's the right thing to do because not only is it liberating for me, but for the girls as well. It's just that I feel so ashamed over some of the things that I've done in the past, that it has affected my relationships with friends, as well as my own family. As a result, I don't feel totally realxed talking to people, including my own family and this trap that I feel like I'm in, has hindered my relationships with people and my family, including guys. I long for the day when I can take this mask off and truly be the real me! I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be someone else in order for people to like me or find me interesting.
I believe I partly feel this way is because I am a victim of incest, which is a history of it in my family for generations. I used to have sex with my oldest brother from about 9 up until about 15. The ashamed part about it is, is that even though I was ashamed of what I was doing, I didn't know how to stop it because I was enjoying it. He is four years older than me and he didn't really know, like me, how to get out of that sick rut, due to a family history of it. Even though my parents didn't sexually abuse us, my mother's father had attempted to sexually abuse my mom when she was a girl along with her own brothers, uncles and so on...
My oldest brother and I are now both Christians but never really talked about what happened except for once. My brother has shared with me, how he is very self critical of himself, even to the point where he wants to commit suicide, and he pastors a church. He is seeing a Christian counselor at the present time to help him deal with his issues. Me on the other hand, am so ashamed to talk about it and whenever I want to, I can't find anyone who I feel that I can truly trust to share it with or afraid that they will look at me differently. There are many times when I feel that I self sabatoge my own life as if I don't deserve the fullness of God's blessings, as a sort of punishment but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm soooo tired of it! Procrastination has also become my worst enemy.
Even though through the years, I have come out of my shell to push past certain fears in life, I still feel that I have not reached my fullest potential of what God has in store for me, due to this mask that I've been wearing for so many years. I feel like I've been wearing it for so long that it has become the norm for me but I can't go on like this. I did talk to my dad about the incest back in 2008 and he was very understanding and helpful.
There are so many ideas that God has given me on running the purity club and I want these girls to be able to reach their fullest potential without anything holding them back. I don't want to look back and regret not doing what God has put in my heart to do in order to help heal these girls due to my own hangups about the issues that I'm dealing with. These girls deserve God's best and I want to be real and honest with them and show them that they should never have to settle for anything less. I want that for myself as well. I don't want to go back and forth with my faith but remain steady, regardless of how my life looks in the present but to continue not to look backwards and keep moving forwards, taking one day at a time.
