Day Two
Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 11:30 pmToday was quite frankly weird. All I could think about was getting off work and taking a look at Step Two. I thought many times of deleting my Day One Journal... why you may ask? Because I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I did it. I'm not one who usually talks about my problems. My entire life I've just kept everything to myself. Like a deep dark secret. But I heard someone say today that "you're only as sick as your secrets".... and I thought boy I'm pretty dang sick. Most people that think they know me today, think I"m some christian kid trying to make something of myself even though the rest of my family is dysfunctional. They have no idea how dysfunctional I've become. I say that only to say how I've kept my secrets completely secretive... I know it sounds repititive but it's just the truth.
Anyway I've been thinking more about God today. You know as a kid I had this image of a god that wanted to strike me down and hated me. He only loved my 'father' and would love me only if I did exactly what he wanted me to do. Today something came to me... this is going to sound elementary I know but I've never really thought this.... God loved me enough to make me even with all my faults. He loved me enough to lead me here. He loved me enough to provide a way out of my misery.
Dude, God loves me (I'm 67% sure of it). I still have my doubts. I'm just coming out of the fog you know... for the first day in many years I haven't had a drink. I've been waiting to have withdrawal symptoms or something you know... Everytime I've tried to quit drinking before has been hell. But for some reason I just feel fuzzy headed, not really like I'm withdrawing... It scares me to think that it might just all of a sudden hit me and I'll either drink again or go through the worst withdrawal I ever have. So that's the main thing of today.
I'm excited to see where this journey could lead me... but I'm also scared to death. I don't know where to go from here. It's like I'm taking every 'crutch' I've had so far in life and weeding them out. I've actually felt emotions today. I know that sounds weird, but for years the only emotion or faint idea of emotion I had was anger because I had to wait to have a drink because of work or class you know. I've never felt anything other than anger as long as I can remember. Now I can't say I've felt happy or joyous today.... It's been more like an overwhelming sadness for something I've lost but I can't figure out exactly what I've lost over time... I've felt humbled by the fact that God might actually still care about me and I've felt ashamed for just blurting out most of my story on the day one journal.
All I can say is that I feel excited and a little like I'm going crazy all at the same time.
Anyway I've been thinking more about God today. You know as a kid I had this image of a god that wanted to strike me down and hated me. He only loved my 'father' and would love me only if I did exactly what he wanted me to do. Today something came to me... this is going to sound elementary I know but I've never really thought this.... God loved me enough to make me even with all my faults. He loved me enough to lead me here. He loved me enough to provide a way out of my misery.
Dude, God loves me (I'm 67% sure of it). I still have my doubts. I'm just coming out of the fog you know... for the first day in many years I haven't had a drink. I've been waiting to have withdrawal symptoms or something you know... Everytime I've tried to quit drinking before has been hell. But for some reason I just feel fuzzy headed, not really like I'm withdrawing... It scares me to think that it might just all of a sudden hit me and I'll either drink again or go through the worst withdrawal I ever have. So that's the main thing of today.
I'm excited to see where this journey could lead me... but I'm also scared to death. I don't know where to go from here. It's like I'm taking every 'crutch' I've had so far in life and weeding them out. I've actually felt emotions today. I know that sounds weird, but for years the only emotion or faint idea of emotion I had was anger because I had to wait to have a drink because of work or class you know. I've never felt anything other than anger as long as I can remember. Now I can't say I've felt happy or joyous today.... It's been more like an overwhelming sadness for something I've lost but I can't figure out exactly what I've lost over time... I've felt humbled by the fact that God might actually still care about me and I've felt ashamed for just blurting out most of my story on the day one journal.
All I can say is that I feel excited and a little like I'm going crazy all at the same time.
THAT IS AWESOME, just remember take 1 second at a time then 1 minute at a time, 1 hour, 1 day, these will soon turn into years YOU CAN DO THIS, you'll see something later in the steps about if you stumble, JUST REMEMBER get back up brush yourself off and continue on, don't think of how many days or years lost but how many you gain being freed from it, my gosh if I thought about how many years I wasted doing the silly things I would stay down, but I try to focus on the years I have been blessed by Him to be free of satans tools of destruction 
to 
Welcome to HIS Oasis Family!
Step 2 
Lani
I am praying for you each day...many others are too. Its what Christians who love each other do.!!!! 
