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So first day of journal. not sure what to write. but knowing that i need to write something. need to open up. need to be honest and share. need to hear something back.
To start i made this really huge move, left everything behind, trusted God and surrendered. Basically moved to a whole ne w place and people. and finally after years of holding tightly to security let go. I let go to the point that for the first time I was open. open to relationships, open to sharing, open to possibilities.
So I met someone. Background: after 12 years of being single, not being open, but knowing one day God would bring the right person into my life. and having this promise and hope. I didnt rush into it, i put God first, i looked for him at every step, and just so much was so right. like the fact that the thing that attracted me most to this person was his love of god, his innocence, his heart.
Thats when everything went wrong. my heart got attacked. people around me cautioned me. and my life turned into this painful roller coaster. of loving, but hurting over things he would do or others reactions. hard to explain as its nothing specific more like someone who cannot relate to others. could only relate with me.
fast forward to end of story. I realised i had to let go. that this person was not going to fit into my life or add to it. so much pain, cant describe.
in the middle of this had some of the most amazing awakening times with God, maybe because my heart was open and i was letting him in too...
but now not sure where i am. as in im doing all the wise and right things to move forward, but just hurting so much. i cant even talk about it with people because technically we were just friends and no one really agreed we would be a match anyway. its not even about him. its about losing hope. about losing trust in god. because i thought i was following him, and either i am so stupid and so wrong i cannot dare trust myself ... or the worse alternative that he doesnt want this for me... and just knowing he watched this and didnt stop it. just watched. and now he's saying 'trust me'. and i want to. but i dont trust me in trusting him.
so im somewhere hard, where doubt has crept in. and physical illnesses are starting to get on top of me - back and neck problems, digestive problems, headaches, mood swings... these old things that are trying to come back because i am down.
and i am so angry. not sure why or at who, just angry.
so thats where i am. needing God to reach out to me. not wanting to reach out to him. knowing he knows that.
and feeling so incredibly stupid that i allowed this to happen particularly when i didnt even want a relationship at the time.

just read stepping stone no. 1
i guess the challenge for me is to not retreat. not to build up walls that i have successfully knocked down. even if they meant i got hurt.
its to trust God. to have hope for the future. to trust that he will keep me safe. and keep me on the right road. and that there must be some reason for what i have been for.
i just need to figure out how to do all of that.
how to get past this pain.

Hello Heavenmeetsearth,

(love the name by the way, a bit of a prophesy for you maybe? that heaven is meeting you on this earth )

You are off to a wonderful start. Getting all of that out there in black in white helps sooo much. Looking back on it with His eyes you can start to see where you may have stumbled in your walk with Him and this study will help you get back to the place He wants you to be with Him.

"I love all who love me. Those who search will surely find me." Proverbs 8:17

Keep with the steps.

Praying for you.

God bless
♥Jill

Hi Heavenmeetsearth,
I love your name to Kool your first day doing the steps best wishes on your healing journy proud of you for taking the first step its hard to talk about our personal stuff i can tell you from experience it is very freeing,hang in there Heavenmeetsearth, God is ther walking the Path with you,

Hello HVN, welcome to the Oasis....I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through at this time. I want to share that every encounter we have in life, is not by chance. God leads people to cross our path, and He has a very good reason for doing so. Sometimes we will believe that God has a plan for it to be more or less than what we do, but in reality God knows exactly why things do happen....and right now in your pain you are having a hard time seeing the big picture and maybe you will never have the answers as to "why" but you can trust that God is sovereign and is still on His throne and He has not left you...and He is not forsaking you...He loves you...and He wants to heal your hurting hurt. He wants you to trust that He knows what is best for you. I know it's not easy...as there is obviously something between you and this man that has torn you to shreds that you did not share here. I pray that God will bring you through this. There are brighter days ahead. You've taken the first step to finding those days.

Take care and God Bless