Onyx's Forgiveness Diary
Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 8:28 amToday was no more stressful at work than normal, actually is was more peaceful today than yesterday. I must learn to forgive 2 people: myself and my husband. I must forgive my self for giving up my independence because it upset him that I could actually think for myself and come to a conclusion without his insight. I also must forgive myself to becoming someone I am not in order to create peace and happiness in our marriage.
Since we been living together, I see things that should not be although I do not all the time acknowledge that I seen the event. He is glued to his cell phone, he cannot go to the bathroom without nor turn it off when he sleeps. I know the reason for this even though he denies it. I try to focus on the good versus the bad but most times its bad because I'm not happy inside. He is estatic. He can go where he wants and do what he wants when he feels like it. He just came back from bike week at Mrytle Beach and I'm in Afghanistan. He brought his mother down to stay with the kids while he goes. He can't explain the allure of bike week and why he absolutely must go but I can guess why. I HATE his motorcycle club because I know what they stand for and what they do. No wives are allowed to meet the other wives. He say he want to keep the family separated from the club. He doesn't talk about the club or what they do although I do see pictures on some of my friends FB pages. I have repeatedly expressed how I feel about to no avail. I feel unimportant in my own life but not suicidal. I feel he doesn't respect me and doesn't appreciate me. I know I block my own blessings by hating the club and his "other" life hence why I choose to go through this program. I really like putting down my thoughts and feelings in a place where I'm unknown therefore no judgment. I love my husband and I want us to work. He claims he love me but his actions do not match the claim. I always appear happy for our kids but inside I'm dying little by little. I don't have any friends outside of the workplace. I want peace, happiness and the love of my husband. I want his entire heart. The only person he should love more than me is God but God is on the same level as me. There are 5 things in his life that come before me (or so it seems): 1. his business 2. his girlfriends 3. his motorcycle club 4. his happiness 5. wife and God if there is enough time left. Sometimes I get tired and just want to quit (him). Let all of his other activities have him. I sometimes find peace in the thought of being alone with just the kids. In that picture, I'm free to do as I please with criticism or questions of why I changed the paint color, why I am always so tired and sleeping, etc., I find so much peace when I go to church because just for a little while, I'm surrounded by people with a common purpose and goal, you can feel the love and appreciation for the differences then I go home where everyone demands something different at the same time. I want to trust my husband but that is difficult to do given his history and current stance. I figure the first step is to let go and let God. Then I must forgive him for all the hurt I feel because of him but I don't know how to do that. Once I learn how to do this in accordance with the Word of God, I should be able to rebuild that trust. I don' know that's what I hope.
Since we been living together, I see things that should not be although I do not all the time acknowledge that I seen the event. He is glued to his cell phone, he cannot go to the bathroom without nor turn it off when he sleeps. I know the reason for this even though he denies it. I try to focus on the good versus the bad but most times its bad because I'm not happy inside. He is estatic. He can go where he wants and do what he wants when he feels like it. He just came back from bike week at Mrytle Beach and I'm in Afghanistan. He brought his mother down to stay with the kids while he goes. He can't explain the allure of bike week and why he absolutely must go but I can guess why. I HATE his motorcycle club because I know what they stand for and what they do. No wives are allowed to meet the other wives. He say he want to keep the family separated from the club. He doesn't talk about the club or what they do although I do see pictures on some of my friends FB pages. I have repeatedly expressed how I feel about to no avail. I feel unimportant in my own life but not suicidal. I feel he doesn't respect me and doesn't appreciate me. I know I block my own blessings by hating the club and his "other" life hence why I choose to go through this program. I really like putting down my thoughts and feelings in a place where I'm unknown therefore no judgment. I love my husband and I want us to work. He claims he love me but his actions do not match the claim. I always appear happy for our kids but inside I'm dying little by little. I don't have any friends outside of the workplace. I want peace, happiness and the love of my husband. I want his entire heart. The only person he should love more than me is God but God is on the same level as me. There are 5 things in his life that come before me (or so it seems): 1. his business 2. his girlfriends 3. his motorcycle club 4. his happiness 5. wife and God if there is enough time left. Sometimes I get tired and just want to quit (him). Let all of his other activities have him. I sometimes find peace in the thought of being alone with just the kids. In that picture, I'm free to do as I please with criticism or questions of why I changed the paint color, why I am always so tired and sleeping, etc., I find so much peace when I go to church because just for a little while, I'm surrounded by people with a common purpose and goal, you can feel the love and appreciation for the differences then I go home where everyone demands something different at the same time. I want to trust my husband but that is difficult to do given his history and current stance. I figure the first step is to let go and let God. Then I must forgive him for all the hurt I feel because of him but I don't know how to do that. Once I learn how to do this in accordance with the Word of God, I should be able to rebuild that trust. I don' know that's what I hope.
Praying for you. May God bless you abundantly. My heart aches for you. Gods good and perfect will be done. I pray you feel His love and comfort surround you.
Lord I pray for peace and serenity. I know through you, I can conquer and defeat my insecurities. I now realize that this is a spiritual battle that I fight and I cannot do it alone. With your help and guidance, I will stand strong and confront the enemy. I will leave victorious, with my dignity and respect. I will continue to exalt your name even when my heart is heavy. Teach me to be a virtuous women and order my steps so that where I go, there you go to. Watch over my kids as they travel from day to day, give them the wisdom to discern right from wrong and courage to fight for what is right. I pray that my husband recognize in his spirit the woman that he has before him. Heal our marriage and guide it in the path you would have us follow. Thank you for the friends and prayer warriors that are on this site. Bless them abundantly and search their hearts and heal where there are wounds. AMEN.
So I don't claim it. I encourage you to focus outward on others, yet taking care of yourself. Allow yourself to be important and treat others as they are important cause well we all are. To God we are very worth while and meaningful. Focus on good things. Sometimes it may be a flower or bird or fresh cut grass. It may be the sun light shining through lace curtains in the first moments of the morning. It may be children playing and laughing or moments of complete silence. Focus on promises God makes in His Word, the bible. Focus on the Holy Spirits ever presence. 
Cause it would please God to see His little girl being who He intended her to be and it would bring you joy and peace to be yourself. 
You ARE Ready! 
Lani
