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Hey guys:

I'm back and decided to make this a part of my new recovery process. I realized that though I've done all the stepping stones, I have more than one issue and decided to attack one issue at a time. In addition, unlike last time, I have a victory to start with. Before I begin this new journey journal, allow me to offer a testimony.

I'm currently facing a divorce. I honestly loved my wife and did what I could to honor her. However, I could not satisfy her material demands, keep her away from the opinions of miserable people, or help her solve her own internal issues with her past choices, past situations that victimized her, or her self-image. As a result, she has decided that she no longer wants the commitment she vowed to and has asked for a divorce on February 17th of 2011. I cannot change her mind, so I've been in prayer. Recently, my prayer has changed from a prayer of reconcilliation to simply God's Will being done in my life, no matter what, and I am satisfied with that.

During the storms of our marriage, I was hit with a lot of rejection, negativity, and condemnation from my wife, and that level of negativity caused me to be seduced by pornography. I'm happy to say that I have successfully completed one week of being porn-free. YYAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!

My problem with pornography had nothing to do with sex. In all honesty, I missed my wife, and pornography posed as a replacement. My feelings for my wife and the conflict I felt about the way she was treating me, ironically, kept me bound to it. But God, The Holy Spirit, and the Stepping Stones helped me find the courage to let go of my feelings and turn to God for the solutions I need. JESUS ROCKS!!!

But even though I've found a place of peace and a place of victory, my own road is long. However, it is a path I must travel to find my true place in God's kingdom. I welcome the journey consciously this time. I believe that this will lead me to the place my spirit has longed for me to be all my life. When my pastor first spoke over me, he told me that the reason I was going through so much trial and tribulation is because I am supposed to be prosperous. At first, I thought I missed the boat. But with godly leadership and help, I realized that he was right. Jeremiah 29:11 says it all - God has plans to prosper me, not to harm me.

I harmed myself , and many people helped without me giving them permission. But with Jesus and the Holy Spirit guiding me, and with God having my back, I can overcome. I will pray, fast, whatever God says I must do. I believe that God will lead me as long as I am willing to follow Him. And I am excited about this path of faith, forgiveness, learning (especially this part. I'm a nerd- a cool spirit filled one, but still a nerd!), letting go, trust, change, and rediscovery of the godly me that I've been dying to meet.

In addition, God has already given me sources of encouragment and teaching through other successful people who happen to be fellow Christians as well. Most of my studies are done in my Stewardship Bible (NIV), my Amplified, and New King James Version. Can't deal with too much Victorian English - messes with my thought patterns somehow. I also have dictionaries (bible and others), good friends (Including you guys. Thank u so much for the support) and fellow flock members, a great pastor and church association, and the loving Holy Trinity pulling for me.

I ask your support and advice. I will prayerfully consider all things. And if I can help you with anything, I promise that I will offer any help I can.

Prayerfully His ,
JTucker

The process of moving forward is difficult in its beginning stages, and indeed hard to understand. You try to put what is now your past behind you, and the first things that come up in your mind is all the hindsight that you were trying to gain while in your past.

My wife asked for a divorce from me on February 17th after numerous arguments and 2 separations, each time hilding a completely negative image of me in her heart and practically nurturing that negative image to maturity. As a result of all I have seen of her, heard of her, and experienced of her, I have serious trust issues with the opposite sex, more than I have ever had. I didn't realize how scarred I was until I fell. My pastor brought up the subject of being rejected by the world and chosen by God last Sunday. In that message, he stated that rejection is so deeply rooted within people that if you dare to love them, they cut you because that is all that is in them. I thought about the conversations we had about her past - how one of her male family members molested her as a child, how her ex-husband committed adultery against her, how after her divorce she repeatedly found herself dating married men. I began thinking with all that rejection in her life, perhaps she wasn't the one and maybe this divorce is a blessing in disguise. Should she not change her mind, perhaps I won't have to suffer all the vengeance she feels must be paid anymore over so many minute and nitpicky things. I had distanced myself from her a great deal over the past few months. I know that I love her, and have tried to forgive everything that she had done to me over the years that we were married. But knowing what I know of her, I cannot find any reason to trust her. Her actions and words have been contradictory on so many occassions that I don't know whether I should trust her or not. When I often check back with people who supposedly suggested to her that she should just write me off, the story I get from them is not the same one she gives me.

A few minutes ago, we had a conversation about a business miscommunication that she started. For some reason, she is not getting why I do not trust her. When she asked for the divorce, she confessed to not having any love for me as her husband. But in that conversation, she stated this as a reason that I should trust her: she loves me. I think I'm pretty reasonable and capable of putting two and two together and coming up with something not matching or making sense. And I don't know how anyone else feels about being lied to, but while I can forgive that, my trust in a liar tends to erode. I've already been villainized by her to my pastor, her friends, her family, and even in the presence of my son. And I find it hard to trust in someone who cannot spend 5 minutes telling me about any virtues they find within me, but can find 30 minutes to 2 hours telling me about all the negative things they think I am.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm moving forward, but I'm acknowledging where I am and how I got there. I am a scarred soon-to-be ex-husband. And I live with the thought that I've tried to be the kind of husband, father, worker, and steward God would have me to be, but I was alone in all my efforts. Am I mad at God? No. I chose her, and I chose to marry her. Part of the pain I feel every day is knowing that I have the responsibility for making her my choice. And every day, I'm trying hard to heal and recover so that I can move on with my life and train my son.

So where do I go from here? I've been in the Word, and that's the only place I can go right now. I'm seeking out what God wants for my life: What's my next move? How do I overcome all the pain, negative inpit, and rejection? What should I train my son to do? How do I encourage him? How do I encourage myself? How do I overcome having the desire for intimacy at this stage in my life since I can't have it anymore? How do I heal? How do I use the resources you have me to maintain my living space? How do I get from survival to successful so that I can begin giving more?

I can tell that this is going to be an uphill battle. But I pray that if I am going to face the pain, I will truly enjoy reaping the rewards. Going to pray then sleep now.

Hi JT,

I can understand some of your feelings of rejection and trust issues. I love my husband the way you loved your wife. I chose this journey because I feel so much sadness inside that he doesn't love or appreciate me the way a man should his wife. I have found comfort in posting my thoughts and getting Godly advice from other Christians.

I pray that you find the peace that you desire and that God direct your paths so that at the end you reap major benefits Good luck with your journey!

Hey, everyone.

First off, I want to apologize to anyone who was reading this board and sees the gap in entries. My keyboard on my laptop is acting up, so I got a usb keyboard to work with until I can get my laptop keyboard repaired. Here's my update.

I had the opportunity to have my son spend the summer with his mother. He had been waiting four years to spend time with his mother because his mother was in jail. I remembered all the nights he cried because he misses his mother. While I have gotten over his mother, the heart of my son is still tender towards her. His mother also married and divorced twice and had one child in each marriage. She also has another child by the man she is currently engaged to. So my son has two half-sisters and one half-brother. I figured that spending time with his mother would also help him connect to his siblings on her side of the family, I was able to take him to Atlanta and come back without spending a fortune, which I considered a huge blessing. But when I got there, I got a strange sign about how far God caused me to have grown.

We got to the door and was welcomed in. Marcus set his bag down and I was invited to sit for a few minutes. As I did, his half-sister, Aniya, came up to me and gave me a big hug. Before that day, I had never seen Aniya before in my life. She hugged me as i I was her father, and didn't want me to leave. My son's cousin, Chris, hesitatnly came up to me and ended up hugging me as well. My son's mother was in shock and jokingly suggested that I had cast some spell over her daughter and her sister's son. His mother had almost immediately noticed how much Marcus had spiritually grown under my parenting, which I credit 100% to God, because I had never been a father before and had done no research other than thebible on the subject - and just recently at that. When it was time for me to head back home, I blessed my son with the same blessing I had since he was born. His mom, of course, commented on ot, saying that I had that saying for 11 years with him in a kind of sarcastic, bitter voice.

I knew where his mom's sarcasticinference was coming from. His mom was bitter, towards me, although she really had no reason to be. Marcus' mom left me because I did not have the means to spoil her rotten. She was the type that always wanted to live beyond her means. In fact, after we broke up, she brought her first husband (who was her new boyfriend then) into the apartment we were staying in and slept with him while Marcus and I were in the living room, as a way to hurt me. Now, 11 years later, she sees me still showering love on my son, but not her. She couldn't even have the positive thinking to see that I was still honoring her by honoring our son, even through the fact that I married someone else.

I do miss my son, but I am delighted that he calls and shares with me his experiences in his mother's home. Each time, he reveals that something that God led me to teach him came in handy for him, especially regarding his temperance. My son trusts me, and that is a major comfort to me, because for so long, I've been used or screwed over by people I have loved or helped. I've also been lied on for the sake of being discredited, even though the majority of my actions were trustworthy, including by my wife. Being trusted feels good. He knows that with me, he is never alone. And that reminds me of the moment the hands ofmy angels touched my shoulder and God let me know that I am not alone. I don't always feel as though they are with me, but I will make a better attempt to remember that they are with me.

In other news, I wish I could tell you that my track record has been squeaky clean since my last post and that I feel as though I'm one step closer to being a beacon of light. I've fallen many times. But each time, I have learned to get past my self-judgment and self-condemnation and confess my sins before the Lord and ask for His help. I've started on a book project that God has me doing, and I'm excited about it. I'll wothhold the details until a later date. I've also experienced two dreams, one a revelation and the second a warning that I didn't have the level of discernment to understand before I fell a few days ago.

In the first dream,the lower half of my wife was showing, in the throes of passion, over a body wearing a green and yellow jumpsuit that was twitching as though it were nearly dead. I immediately woke up and cast out any thought of lust that may had been attacking me, but the dream stayed in my mind all day long. With this dream, I resolved two things. One, I was not going to be a people pleaser anymore. In my relationships, I tried to please the women I dated way too much, and I did the same thingwith my wife. Second, with the advice of my pastor, I decided that I would focus on being fruitful for God and not let any distractions stand in my way. The body in the green and yellow jumpsuit was my potential to be fruitful. The body of my wife represented the decoys that were trying to distract me with false affections, which threatened to rob me of my fruitfulness.

In the second dream, I had awaken in a bed that was somehow next to some sewage drain, and a DVD of mine fell just inside the top of it. I reached down to pick it up and a pihrana bit my finger. My finger only felt a pinch and it didn't hurt that much, but when I looked back to see the DVD, the drain disappeared, and I found myself on a bed next to a tub with five pihrana in it. So I got up to leave that place, because Ididn't understand what was going on and I began to get scared. I briefly checked my surroundings and looked back to see that my bed turned into this shallow pool full of dark water. I woke up immediately, finding it hard to breathe and confused. Later that day, I was watching a movie about being tired of nagging in relationships called Diary of a Tired Black Man, and somehow I was attacked by the spirit of lust, and fell five times to thetemptation of pornography after watching the movie. Afterwards, I caught the meaning of the dream. It was a warning tonot watch the DVD that day, because it caused me to despair over how my relationships turned out, which made me feel lonely, which made me vulnerable to the temptation of pornography all over again. I felt really bad as I confessed to God what had happened and he reminded me of the dream. I couldn't sleep for two hours after that because I was battling with guilt and shame, even after my confession. It wasn'tuntil I decided to agree with God that I was forgiven that I could sleep.

But I made the decision tonight to sleep before any temptation hits me, and to update my journal, since I have a working keyboard. I hadn't kept up with the stepping stones either for about a month, so I will be starting that all over again. I guess I didn't keep up with it because I thought that the victory I won over it was permanent. Now that I realize that it isn't, I will be reading it every day. And just in case of the Pihrana dreams, I'm researching how to kill Pihrana. Since my pastor spoke of being prepared for spiritual warfare, I will do that, go over tonight's bible study verses, read stepping stone one after I turn off my computer, then go to bed.

That's my entry. Please keep me in your prayers, because this is my first time actively taking on any kind of warfare mentality (what would have been my entry into the military was messed up by an envious and racist recruiter who was mad that my ASVAB score was higher than all of his recruits). I need all the help I can get. Good night guys, and may God's peace be with you.